Chelsea and Marc: A PC Wedding to Remember
The Marriage of the Milennium
The wedding of former first daughter, Chelsea Clinton to Marc Mezvinsky is being billed as the Marriage of the Millennium. And given how it's an important event for progressives everywhere, I have been asked to coordinate the blessed event.
Considering how important this event is, people will understand when I say that almost the entire event will have to be scripted. Cost won't be an issue since it will be underwritten by the American taxpayer who now has the proclivity to pay for most everything. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner informed me that there is this “tax thingy” we can do that will take care of the wedding expenses. Given he’s the financial Grand Poobah, I guess he knows all about it. And in case there are some remaining expenses, we have been informed that BP will cover the rest.
Given that money is no limit, I am employing only the finest professionals to assist me in pulling off this event. Security for the event will be coordinated between the Black Panthers and Rosie O’Donnell—Rosie is scary enough to ward off any Republican wingnuts that might try to spoil the blessed event, but we have the Panthers just-in-case. ACORN will head up the guest list and something called “Omni Registration.” Clean up services will be headed by BP, especially any spills by the guests. Beauty Consultant for the bride will be Whoopi Goldberg. Specializing in legal advice for prenuptial agreements will be the Rev. Al Sharpton. The ACLU will be on hand to squelch any mention of the service being “holy” matrimony. ACLU attorneys will be ready to slap a subpoena on any errant member of the wedding party that wishes a “God bless you” to the newlyweds. We’ve secured the services of Michael Moore to video the service. We’re confident that no matter what Mr. Moore produces, it will be praised by Hollywood, nominated for an Oscar, and make millions which he can use in his crusade to bash evil capitalism. Former President Clinton has several Chinese associates from his White House days that have agreed to perform babysitting services for the wedding guests so long as there's only one child per couple. And we are grateful to former President Jimmy Carter who has agreed to build several low-income houses around the country for the new couple.
As for the service, the Bride will be given away by her father, the former president, who when asked who is giving this bride away, will say, “Her mother and I and Monica, and Jennifer, and Paula all of the other women who have played a loving role in our lives.” The wedding vow portion of the service will be performed by the Bishop Cardinal Reverend Nazi Poloozi of the Sodom and Gomorrah Libertarian Progressive Temple Mosque of San Francisco. She will inform the young groom that he is about to relinquish any acts that might be considered sexist displays of machismo. As a symbolic token to pledge his commitment, the Reverend Poloozi will administer a portion of milk toast to the groom, charging him to emulate his wife in all things. It has also been decided that given the family backgrounds of both, the phrase “till death do us part” as a part of the wedding vows is a bad idea.
We’re also prepared for any trouble that might ensue at the wedding, especially when the minister says “Is there any reason why this couple should not be joined in matrimony?” Given the groom’s Jewish background, we expect some trouble from Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan. Therefore, we plan to seat several members of the Mossad next to those two which should keep them quiet. We suspect that Al Gore will stand and ask for a recount of all those opposed to the marriage. We are prepared to rattle off several court cases and convince the former Vice President that the Supreme Court is packed with Catholics and Jews and that he doesn’t stand a chance as a liberal Southern Baptist. We have also heard rumor that the groom’s father has some former prison pals that have been recently released and plan to be at the wedding. Two of the guys, known only as “Twist” and “The Preacher” are of interest. We are looking out for them and are confident that the ACLU will protest the attendance of the latter.
For the reception, roasted chicken will be served. During the toast, they will also roast FOX. President Obama will give the toast. After the toast, we plan to have the President selected as a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize because of his remarks. We’re sure that Chris Matthews will speak up as he has expressed tingling feelings at the site of the President; we can only imagine what will happen when he both sees him and hears him speak.
Also, there will be some post marriage counseling provided for the couple. Some of the seminars that they will be able to avail themselves of are
- “No Records—No Problem.”—President Barack Obama
- “Your Future with Cattle Futures and Frozen Chicken”—Senator Hillary Clinton
- “How a He-Man Can Bring the Bankers to its Knees (and the Economy Along With it)”—Rep. Barney Frank
Finally, we're grateful to the Kennedy family for offering their Compound as the site for the blessed event. However, given the Kennedy’s run of bad luck—like over the last 60 years—we have opted for a luckier prospect.
(I wish to thank a friend of mine who gave me the idea and some of the material for this essay. He wishes to remain anonymous....for obvious reasons...)