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Coffee, Cigarettes, and That Guy On Fox !!
My Personal Struggle With Coffee, Cigaretttes, and Bill O'Reilly
I've never been one to routinely submit to fear, but there's been one inner horror which I battle daily. A phobia so terrifying it generates headache, nausea, shortness of breath, and occasional night terrors. This condition, though it may seem laughable to some, is very real and much more widespread than psychological research, has shown. The thing I fearemost is running out of coffee, or as it's known in scientific terms, Caffeine Deficit Neurosis In The Head Boy Do I Have Issues Syndrome, or CDNITHBDIHIS.
But, thanks to a recent federal stimulus windfall, several $4000.00-per-credit hour universities have received enough money to both develop an apparent groundbreaking caffeine-addiction-cognitive-therapy program and fund enough cute research assistants to last through the third term of the Obama administration.
This advancement in Caffeine-Related-Addictions has help me to realize that I'm suffering from a less severe form of CDNITHBDIHIS called "You Lazy Ignorant Fool You", YLIFY. Victims of YLIFY only fear the lack of "easy access" to coffee. Studies have shown YLIFY can effectively be controlled by maintaining several well placed cases of "emergency Instant coffee" throughout the home and workplace. YLiFY sufferers who travel frequently have been advised to pack no less than two full thermoses of coffee or at least be familiar with the location of every Dunkin Donuts within a 1200-mile-radius. YLIFY sufferers are cautioned to not use public transportation of ay kind.
Controversial studies in Aversion-Counseling have demonstrated some YLIFY patients have experienced complete recoveries with regularly scheduled sessions of being berated by Fox News Host Bill O'Reilly screaming "Hey Pin-Head Wake Up And Smell The Coffee" !! Thank God for Aversion Counseling.
Today, despite the fact that the mere mention of Fox-News can occasionally cause me to experience mild seizures, I'm proud to say I can enjoy a cup of coffee and not worry about where my next "cup of Joe" is coming from. Yes, even when I watch FOX News and hear about victims of natural disasters, my first thought is no longer "Oh My God, I'll bet they don't have any coffee" Instead, thanks to Aversion-Counseling, I instinctively tense every muscle in my body and blurt out "That (((Censored))) Bill O'Reilly is a (((Censored))) and a (((Censored))) and a (((Censored))) to. I then turn on any of the other non-Fox,news networks. and I feel so much better.
Although I'm grateful for Aversion-Counseling,my recovery has left me with one lingering side effect. Ever since I've been switching to the non-Fox networks I've been becoming increasingly nervous and irritable. After experiencing these symptoms several times, I noticed my negative reaction was induced by the knowledge that the non-Fox networks were actually reporting much less "real news" than Fox. This led to severe depression and increased worries that I was being brain-washed. which has slowly led to my pack-a-day cigarette habit becoming a four-pack-a-day habit.
Sadly, at this point, I'm out of options. Once again, I need help. "According to the newest "Psychology Literature", I'm now suffering from "God i Hate The Liberal Media Someone Give Me A Cigarette Quick" or GIHTLMSGMACQ Disorder. Somehow I know if I could only get the proper counseling, I could recover. If only I could hear Bill O'Reilly shouting "Hey Moron Put Down The Stupid Cigarette" !!!
But hope could be on the horizon ... I know O'Reilly isn't exactly a fan of his media competitors, or cigarette smoking. So maybe, just maybe ...... That's it.... Tomorrow I'm contacting the $4000.00-per-credit-hour University. I'm sure the Government is good for it.