Ever since the time I discovered that writing provides me with an emotional relief & works like a stress buster, I've been using it to vent my feelings out about my Ex. I've been going on & on about how I loved this guy and how he left me devastated & how hard I was trying to move on and God knows what not!
But today, while I was sitting here in front of the comp, frustrated with myself for thinking about him once again, when I sweared I wouldn't do it, a sudden question popped in my head which nearly had me falling off my seat. A question which caused my brain run marathons in no time and nearly gave me a heart attack. A silent question which was more louder than any explosion my ears could witness. The question was "DO I EVEN KNOW THIS GUY?"
I wanted to tell the Evil voice inside my head "Hell ya, I do know who he is, what he does, where he lives, a list of his all time favorite things and a list of all the things he hates the most. So you better shut up!!" But I knew better, that was not what my inner self was asking me.
"Do I know the guy?" Yes I do, Thank you very much!
But "Do I actually know him?" Errrr...I need a moment to think.
That's when Dawn broke & reality set in. I realized that I don't even know him anymore. I've no idea who the guy I once loved, has turned out to be. Has he turned into someone I would wanna fall in love with? Or has he turned into one of those "Handsome-but-snobby-bragging-bafoons" who give a damn about none but themselves? Does he have a heart which has grown to love and care for others or is it something which is present solely for the purpose of circulating blood to the rest of his body?
On the more personal front, Would he still get irritated if I were to run my hands
through his spiky hair just to annoy him? Or has he gotten over that
habit too? Would he still receive my calls if I were to call him in the middle
of the night and ask him to sing a song, just like the good old times?
Would he do it? Or would he just hang up thinking I was probably a half
crazy person who badly needed a psychotic treatment? Would he still feel the way he did back then when I would gaze in his eyes? Or would he just turn and walk away? So many questions and yet just a single answer is all that I've got " I DON'T KNOW!!! ".
On the spur of a moment, I've finally realized that I've no idea whatsoever, about the guy I was holding onto anymore. As though I've been living in a fantasy from past all these years, trying to hold on to the image of someone I knew and hoping beyond everything that he might still be the same and now it feels as if I've been woken me up from my dream. Sadly time changes everything & everyone.
Here I was a moment ago, cussing myself for thinking about him. But now, my mind is focussing on the stranger who has taken the place of the man I once loved. Not so long ago whenever I would close my eyes, I could see his face and the image that I saw killed me hard and slow. Every time I tried moving on, his memories would push me back to the place from where i had started. My heart withered in pain & the voice inside my head kept repeating what I already thought I knew- I can neither forget him nor erase him from my life, no matter what i do or try. More than anything, I wished for the torturing,tormenting pain to stop. I wanted to be done with it once and for all. Its true when they say "Beware of what you wish 'Coz you never know when your wishes might turn into reality". I wish I could take my wish back.
The pain that I thought would be the death of me, has finally vanished. Yes, Just like that it has disappeared.. But instead a kind of numbness has taken its place. I can feel nothing but silence and a sense of void growing deep within me. The stabbing in my heart has stopped and it feels as though my heart isn't at its place, like it isn't beating anymore. The pain, the stabbing, the tears were a reminder of him, were a reminder that I was Alive. But now I feel as if I were dead. Completely dead!
Those memories which were the gateway of unlocking the pain & tears have atlast seem to have lost their effect on me. Like someone has cut off my senses or like the
ability to feel has been taken away from me. I just don't feel human anymore. This is frightening the hell out of me. I don't know what it means. I don't know whether its the silence before the oncoming storm or some sort of warning or If I'm finally moving on. But Whatever the reason maybe, the silence is deafening! The feeling of numbness is worse than any kind of agony I've ever experienced.
Waking up each day feeling empty, wondering if I'll ever feel whole again, is not something I'm looking forward to. As Masochistic as it may sound, I miss the pain already! I miss the way it made me feel, I miss the way I could see 'him' as 'him' and not as any stranger.
There is no doubt I loved him & I did it with every ounce of my being. But sometimes love isn't just enough to make someone stay. Even though he broke my heart and left me in the hands of death, He still meant everything to me. He was my hero, my friend, my world, he still is and will always be! Living without his reminders would be a very hard thing to do. I hope I survive this phrase of life too- The Numbness!!
© Copyright Hajira Ehsan