- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing
Crazy Cemetery Stories: Who is Down There?
What on earth is down there?
A lot of things can go in to (and out of) a grave before the casket. Some of them are supposed to be in there (graveliner, grave digger). Some are not wanted, but expected, and removed before you arrive (water, a bit of dirt that fell in).
Some things are never meant to find their way into a grave, yet they do. These little literary bits are about those odd things that fell into the oddest of places….
For The Love of Frogs
The weird thing about this story is not what was getting into the graves; it is the response of this particular cemetery visitor.
Many of the headstones in this cemetery include a bronze flower vase. The design allows the vase to be lowered into a plastic tube when not in use. Unfortunately vases go missing due to theft or damage, leaving a plastic-lined hole where the vase is supposed to rest.
So there is a hole about 3 inches in diameter and maybe a foot deep in the headstone. Not a huge deal in cases where the grave is no longer visited. Just leave it. It isn’t going to bother anyone.
But what about the dead frogs?!
Yes. That is right. Something just had to be done about the dead frogs! This was the demand of one very peculiar woman. I knew her personally. She visited the cemetery frequently. A very nice lady, though a bit on the odd side. Hey, we all have our quirks. She happened to notice that there were dead frogs here and there in the empty vase holes.
I have a feeling the frogs were falling in as they were hopping around and couldn’t get back out. Poor little guys were perishing at the bottom of their mini-grave. This woman was so distraught over what she viewed as the senseless death of frog upon frog that she made frequent reports to the office and grounds crew. She even contacted the director personally. Something had to be done to save the frogs!
More Crazy Cemetery Stories
- Crazy Cemetery Stories: Spouses, Spouses, Everywhere...
Ever wonder what happens to those second wives? What about husband number four???
- Crazy Cemetery Stories: Ashes to Ashes
Some interesting and amusing things about cremated remains and my dealings with them.
- Crazy Cemetery Stories: Nuts and Bones
A collection of pranks pulled during my days working at a cemetery!
On The Creepy Side
I love frogs. I hate the negative impact of humans on their environment. I felt awful about these little froggies. But what was I supposed to do? It is much like the bugs and frogs and whatnot that swimming pool owners deal with all summer long. It happens. Humans are just bad for nature.
None of the victims were rare species. There weren’t piles of dead frogs and toads mounding up. There were still plenty of green fellows hopping around the ponds. From a scientific perspective, things seemed ok. From her frog-loving side this was a crisis! How could we let this happen?! What kind of heartless place was this?!
What did I do? Nothing. What did the director do? Nothing. We patently listened, over and over. We expressed our concern and explained that we really did not have the resources to save the frogs. We could barely keep the grass mowed!
Lucky frogs! Due to events completely unrelated to frog deaths, the state provided funds to cap all of the holes from missing vases. Our slimy friends were safe. The frog lady was free to take up a new cause. Did you think she wouldn’t?
Mow the ... Man Down!
This story is about “Jim” Jim hates when anyone shares this. I know this by the fantastic red color he turned every time the incident was brought up. Did that stop anyone? Heck no! And now I am sharing it with you….
How do you mow a 90 acre cemetery? Riding mowers of course. Three at a time. And it still takes days. That is unless the guys mowing decide to act like it is the Indy 500 of lawn mowing! Note: Faster is not always better. Best to slow down and pay attention.
I do not know if speed was a factor in this incident. I have a feeling it was more operator error (incompetence really).
Jim was mowing as he has done hundreds of times before. He was well aware of the things to avoid: flowers, benches, people, pets, open graves, etc. Leave it to Jim to hit one of them that day. Only thing I can figure is that he was being lazy. He was not the brightest or the hardest working. That day, for reasons known only to him, Jim drove a little too close to a grave opening. Next thing he knew, Jim was in the bottom of a grave dazed, thankfully uninjured.
There were some ladies visiting a grave nearby and they heroically ran to Jim’s rescue! Or not. They just looked down, saw that he seemed ok, muttered something, and left. Seriously. Not even an offer to go get help. They left him to fend for himself! Serves him right really. Open graves are pretty darn noticeable.
Lucky for Jim he had a cell phone and he contacted the Super for help. Jim and the mower both ended up fine. Jim’s ego, on the other hand, was seriously bruised. And with good reason. The guy drove a lawn mower into a grave! What a moron! Boy do I wish someone had it on video!
Funny Poems For The Living
- Bon Appetit - poem
A poem about unusual eats
- Peanut Butter and Jelly - a poetic affair
This poem, or whatever it is, came out of a conversation with fellow hubber Mark Weller.
- What are you gawking at?! - Limerick
A fun Limerick for all those guys that have been caught looking!
- Feisty Girls Make For Fun Poetry - Limericks
A collection of funny Limericks that illustrate what happens when naughty boys meet up with feisty girls!
What a Stinker!
Never in a million years did I think I’d find myself “talking shop” with a funeral director in Virginia. I did. Somehow we got talking about finding weird stuff in graves. Maybe it was sparked by Jim’s story above.
I bet it was easy to extract a groundskeeper and mower from the bottom of the grave. There is plenty of heave equipment on hand at a large cemetery. These rural places though, they have lifted out some interesting, and less cooperative, sorts of things. Like what, you ask? How about a cow?!
In rural Virginia there are farms. With cows. Some of these farms are near cemeteries. Sometimes cows get out and go wandering. When they wander in cemeteries, sometimes they wander right down to the bottom of a grave! Poor Bessie! I have not witnessed the extraction of a cow from a grave, but it sounds like a tricky maneuver. At least they are domesticated and it isn’t a bull. From what I was told they cooperate. And surprisingly most make it out ok. Thank goodness! Not so much for the wild critters.
One critter in particular tends to give them a very unwelcome surprise. The least welcome of the unwelcome visitors are the skunks. Mr. Stinky must be moseying along in search of grubs and other delectables, paying more attention to what to eat than where he is going. One false step and plop!
Extracting a skunk from a giant hole is tricky. This is due to that wonderful defense mechanism bestowed on them by nature. Skunks are gentle, only spraying that stink when threatened. They prefer to “tuck tail and run” rather than raise tail and spray. Unfortunately a grave doesn’t give much opportunity to run. So hopping in there to get Stinky will result in more than the skunk stinking!
- My Inbred Cat
I have an inbred cat. His parents are brother and sister. From the moment he was born I knew he was, let's just say special. This is his story.
Lucky for the skunks they can be trapped and lifted out - if they cooperate and go into the trap. Skunks that are uncooperative, injured, or sick aren’t so lucky. They are humanely dispatched, if you know what I mean.
I am absolutely against harming any animal if it is not 100% necessary. I have smelt the stink of a fresh skunk spray. One of my cats repeatedly tangled with the stinkers. The stench is enough to make your eyes water and your stomach turn, at the least. Big kitty promptly got a long bath in a homemade concoction. Still the odor lingered. And forget about the house. Even that stunk for days! Thank goodness they invented febreeze!
Funerals are unpleasant enough for most of us. Adding that sort of stench would not help matters. A smelly service is just not an option and last I checked febreeze doesn’t come in the super-tanker-truck-size. I wonder what the Frog Lady would have to say about the skunks? Maybe a proposal to put little ladders in the graves to let the animals out? Hmmm....
I hope you enjoyed these little nutty nuggets.
When you are laying old uncle Joe down into his final resting place, or visiting Great-grandma Betty, now you might just wonder.... are they first one to go in there??