Cremation: One Man's Urn Alternatives
What's A Grecian Urn?
Ok, now that we got that joke out of the way, lets get serious. Serious as a heart attack. Or, at least as serious as one can be when discussing the alternatives to an urn for my ashes when l kick the proverbial can. I've been thinking that cremation might be the way I want to go out. Ashes to ashes and all that. I don't want to go the genie in a bottle on the mantle route. My creative side just won't go in for the afterlife equivalent of an office cubicle. No, I'm going to hang around in style. Make a statement. Get a few compliments, turn a few heads (maybe some stomachs as well),
But, l have a big favor to ask of you, the reader. After reading my ideas, and pondering them over a glass of you favorite adult beverage or flavored tea, please take my poll to help me decide my urn alternative after-lifestyle. I thank you in advance for your time and please do not send flowers. Instead make a donation to the Director of International Relations and Treaties for the Necroptic Arts and Policies (DIRTNAP).
A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words.
Proposal #1: Mix my ashes with some acrylic or oil paints. Make sure I'm mixed in with a number of different shades and hues. Hire an artist to paint a picture to my survivors liking. Make it something creative. Make it something that says, "That, is so Mitch". This can be hung with great care and pride in a respectable place within my loved one's home. Perhaps, it could also be printed on some Hanes 50/50 t-shirts and l could still do some vicarious traveling with friends and family.
Ogres and Onions have Layers... Why Not Me.
Proposal #2: Now, granted, this one treads close to urn territory, but I think it deviates enough to not fall into the above mentioned "cubicle" scenario. Take a clear, but shapely bottle, some colored sand and my ashes. Make sure there are.at least 3-5 different colors, of sand. Then layer the colored sand and ashes in an alternating pattern. Be sure to fill it all the way to the top I well packed capped tight. This will help ensure that my new layered look will be well preserved. Then, I can be placed in a curio cabinet, a coffee table or...yes...a mantle.
Treat Me like a King.
Proposal #3: Mix my ashes with some clay or resin and design a unique chess set. I have always liked a good game of chess and this would allow me to always, regardless of the outcome of each game, be on the winning side. Maybe some family disputes could be decided over a game of chess. I'd "live" out my days on the 8×8 sub-divided parcel of a royal battleground. Check... and Mate.
This One's for the Birds.
Proposal # 4:Mix my ashes into a mixture of concrete and pour me into a mold to create a nice pedestal birdbath. Find me a peaceful home among the flowers and the garden gnomes. Allow me to quench the thirst of our feathered friends. Please be sure to wash me regularly as the birds...well... have a tendency to...um... You know, on second thought, make me into the garden gnome instead. Then I'll never roam alone.