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Cruise Control: Who is Tom Cruise going to divorce next?
Tom Cruise on a rampage
In June of 2012, while Tom Cruise was out of the country, Katie Holmes took their daughter, her flip-flops, and the copy of Entertainment Weekly magazine that Tom had locked up in the bathroom since its arrival, and ran away from their apartment. She immediately filed for divorce. The news hit Tom so hard that he dropped everything and barged in on an Oprah show, began jumping up and down on the couch, screaming: "I.... JUST.... HATE.... THAT.... WOMAN...."
Oprah, who was invisibly shaken, asked Tom to calm down, sit down and have a normal conversation. The fact that she thought Cruise was even capable of having a normal conversation speaks volumes of this lady's cluelessness but that remains a topic for a different day.
Exhausted, Tom had a glass of milk with chocolate chip cookies, passed out in Oprah's arms and took a nap. Oprah woke him up after the commercial break hoping to get him to talk. Big mistake. Tom began jumping up and down again, screaming Scientology voodoo magic chants.
Enter the Sci-Fi Writer Slash Prophet
In between Tom's screams, Oprah asked him if Tom needed an exorcism. But Tom was already foaming at the mouth. Fortunately, the next guest, an animal trainer, who had been waiting to bring a wild, savage, and unleashed rhino onto the stage had an elephant-size tranquilizer gun handy and without hesitation, she shot Tom. The tranquilizer couldn't knock Tom out completely but did enough to get him to stop bouncing temporarily.
Tom revealed that he was divorcing Angelina Jolie.
Oprah: "But you are not married to her."
Cruise: "It doesn't matter. Scientology allows me to divorce other people too as a lesson to my ex-wives who have been betraying me."
Oprah: "Where is this going to stop, Tom? Where is it going to stop?"
Cruise: "Oh it's going to stop when I say it stops. I'm not going to stop now. I'm going to divorce Katy Perry, I'm going to divorce Katie Couric, I'm going to divorce every woman named Katy regardless of how they spell it. There is no stopping me now. I'm going to divorce every woman on the planet, twice. I just divorced Betty White and next I'm going to divorce all the dead women going all the way back to Cleopatra. I'm Tom Cruise. I walked up a straight wall in Dubai."
Oprah: "If you divorce every woman you'll be losing your entire fan base. That's risky business."
Cruise: "Are you trying to be punny with me? Because so help me L. Ron Hubbard if you are, for then I'm going to divorce you, I'm going to divorce your sister, and I'm going to rename your daughter to Katie before I divorce her too. Here. Eat another pizza. You look skinny."
Fortunately for Oprah, before Tom had a chance to go through with the unspeakable threats, a phone call arrived. L. Ron Hubbard, calling from deep within a God Particle floating in an undisclosed universe, told Tom in no uncertain terms he was no longer wanted in Hubbard's church, as Tom's antics were beginning to hurt business.
At the end of the show, Oprah surprised all the members of her audience by announcing: "You get a couch! You get a couch! And you get a couch too! You all get a couch!" As the audience went wild, 250 trucks entered the tight door of the studio to hand deliver the giant couches to the frenzied audience who all went home to jump up and down on their own individual couches.