DON'T DIE OR DISAPPEAR - We Have So Much More Love To Share
Missing You And Here I am....
Not to put everyone on a "downer," but I'm worried. I have a friend dying of cancer and I'm wondering how I can give him some sort of BIG SHOT OF FAITH? How else can I say it or help and what else can I do? When all I want to yell is "Don't Die....Please!!!" I just thought I would sit down and write and let the words flow and I am angry! I read a few of my friends writings today and here I am with a bunch of emotions that are all stirred up!!!! Love, anger, anxiety, despair, worry, love and more love!
I thought of my father today who passed about twelve years ago after reading about someone else missing their father whose dad was a lot like mine! Irreplaceable!!! No one could ever replace him!!! All I want to do is scream!!! Why did you have to leave?!!!! I need to ask you something!!!!
CAN WE PLEASE JUST TALK ABOUT FOOD?!!!!!!
Why can't you come back??!!! WHY?!!!!! OK, THE JOKE IS OVER.....NOW COME OUT OF HIDING!!! NOW!!! You can't be gone forever? YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT!!!!
This is what I said after the birth of my son when I had lost two of the most important people in my life within a year. I stood at my father's funeral ten days before my son was born in my long velvet dress terrified of the emotions that I felt. Worried for the baby. After he was born I had to mourn the loss of my father and enjoy the birth of my firstborn at the same time. I had a meltdown and couldn't sleep because motherhood was new and I was having a hard time. I felt so alone even though there were many around at the time. I cried to others that day that I lost it on the deck of my home in Santa Monica. I couldn't stop and the tears kept running and I said in a childlike voice "why can't they come back?!!! WHY?!!!!!!
Their faces as they looked at me in so much pain. They tried to calm me down but their answers or words meant nothing! Nothing would make me feel better....the loss was too great. I just wanted to hide from the world I knew too well. It cut me deep. Deeper then when I lost my mother as a child. I didn't get to know her as well. I was too young.
My friend of seven years is dying. He has been around through some of my hardest times and now everyone has abandoned him so I reach out. I try to bring calm like I would to a child. He is losing his home to the bank, his ex is suing him for more money (REALLY?!!! HE IS DYING YOU CRAZY WENCH!!!), he has a two year old child, he is losing a lot of income due to his hospital stays and his employer is not being kind ENOUGH and all I can do is offer any help that I can. How can people be so cruel?!!!! How can life be so unfair?!!!! WHY?!!!
These are all the emotions that spilled out in my day today. So much joy and so much pain and loss wrapped up in this one day and I still worked through all of this! After all I have deadlines and things that have to be done. But when it comes down to it, all I want to do is see my family all sitting at a dinner table like in the 90's before my grandmother and father left to some palace in the sky.
All I want to do is ask them so many questions that I never got to ask because life was too busy!! All I want to do is take away my friends pain but I can't!!! All I can do is be as kind as I can and do some nice things that will bring him a smile. All I can do is be "me."
Is this enough God?!!!! Is this enough whoever is friggin up there?!!!!
No need to worry because you see I am fine. I am always fine because I have had to be. I can take on the most scary and wonderful things and sometimes I break just like everyone else does. But when you lose someone so young, you never show others that side of you and you hide these feelings because you have too. When you are young and you lose a parent the last thing you want people to do is "pity you." So you act very brave and you learn to cope and shut down your feelings like a "light switch" and then one day when an extra electrical current tosses up all of your senses, you just lose it!!
The sad thing is that I am getting older now and I am seeing my friends lose their parents and posting it on social sites. I see people writing about missing their loved one's and the point is that it is very real now. This is mid-life and this is what happens I guess. It makes you think about how much time you wasted on things that never did matter. How many times you worried about silly unimportant stuff and then one day you realize that you are about to lose someone else you know. So you write about it, you dig for something that brings back those emotions that you felt before and you cry it all out because you have too!!!
All we can do is share the love and reach out to those that are hurting or that do not have much time left here on this planet. And remember that every day is a special day and it is so important to count your blessings.
Don't forget to let people you care about know how much they mean to you.