Dealing With Unwanted Attention
MORE WAYS TO GET UNWANTED ATTENTION
BELCHING, FOR GIRLS OR GUYS
is taboo. Not even the prettiest, hottest girl can look sexy when she lets out a manly-belch in a posh eatery with her date. Now, if guy belches, that is expected. People laugh. And say among themselves, "What a card," and continue eating. But the same people's eyes will bulge out, mouths drop open with surprise and forks will hit plates if a pretty girl were to belch. What a double-standard. My method for dealing with belching, is to smile, act really confident, and reply, "Hey, must have been the five taco's I had for lunch," and carry on with your meal. People do not expect you to make a snappy remark, so do this next time you belch in public.
cannot be hidden, guys! Especially if you work in an office. Or job that says you must wear a shirt (with sleeves), tie and suit. Insurance, sales, tour guides. Those kinds of jobs. I know that for some men, profuse sweating is a medical problem. But for most guys, sweating can be handled with a stick of Old Spice Endurance. But if you, listen up guys, get unwanted attention--smart alec remarks, finger points at your soggy underarms that have now soaked your shirt, don't panic. Smile and say that you are trying out for a new role as a sweaty Playgirl model and you want to look the part. That sound keep the hurtful remarks to a minimum.
can be painful. And humiliating. Ever been walking down a public sidewalk with a buddy, or maybe a girlfriend, and out of nowhere bolts a muscular German Shepherd with teeth that could bite through a Giant Redwood in California? Well, I have. Been bitten by a dog, but in the arm, not in a Giant Redwood in California. The way I suggest you handle a sudden dog bite is to start laughing and say, "Awww, that was cute. Nice guard dog you have there," but this will NOT work if the dog is a Chi Hua Hua. Poddle. Or a Jack Russell.
FLY LANDS ON LIPS
see what happened to President Obama? Even he isn't immune to unwanted attention like flies landing on his lips. You see. Flies, like all of the insect world, are not up on who is important and who is not. Flies will land on anyone. Anytime. So do not panic, guys or girls. Just calmly and without making a fuss, swap the pest away with your hand. Or menu. And don't make eye-contact with the fly. They cannot stand that.
for guys is the "mother of embarrassment." I don't care where the guy is going. What he is doing. Once those around him spot his fly being open, it's like a flood gate being open with smirks, gasps, whispers, and laughing. The guy whose fly is open has two choices. Well, three to be honest. One, he can discreetly zip up and carry on with his speech. Two, he can make a big deal out of this error causing more unwanted attention and now being called insecure or three, leave it open and finish the speech. Just make sure that you are wearing your Hanes briefs, guys. Please!
FOOD IN TEETH
for guys or girls is deadly. Career-ending before it started. Sudden-end to a hot date. Food catches in some people's teeth. That is a gimme. Do not be aloof. Perfect. Too good for food to lodge in your molars. This is more stupid than the food catching in your teeth. Just do like I've done numerous times, and say, "excuse me," then wipe your teeth with your place napkin like nothing ever happened. The unwanted attention can also be avoided if you carry a small mirror around with you and frequently check your teeth while dining.
isn't an epidemic. Certainly not a plague. It's just your nose itching. That's all. Not the end of the world. Or is it? Many high-level political officials have been raked over the coals by powerful writers just because they scratched their noses in public. Or while dining. This is for men and women. If the nose itches, leave it be. Or excuse yourself to the proper facilities and scratch your nose until your heart is content, but do not scratch your nose in public. Worse, do not scratch your friend's nose in public. That is far-worse and will gather more unwanted attention such as a stone gathering moss. Understand?
is the classic rib-tickler. For innocent bystanders. Not the person wearing the jeans or slacks. This applies to girls and boys. Say you bend over, if you are a guy, to pick up an item dropped by a pretty girl. That is a noble gesture. Suddenly the air is shattered by a loud, crisp, "Riiipppppp," and it's the seat of your extra-tight jeans. Then your face is red with embarrassment. The pretty girl laughs like a horse at you. So do her friends. To avoid your pants ripping, inspect the seat of your pants regularly. Make sure that the seat is not overly-thread bare. This can lead to humiliating rips. And please, always wear underwear. And if your pants still insist on ripping, just be cool and remark, "Gosh, I knew those TARGET jeans were cheap when I bought them," and act like you are not bothered.
YELLING IN PUBLIC
is bad manners. Actually no manners. Yelling in public is the sign of a barbarian. Especially in a restaurant. Church. Or theater where an opera is underway. Do not make a fool of yourself and yell to anyone in a public place. Even outside. Just spend some time and walk over to your friend and say hello. Yelling is a dangerous thing in 2011. Yelling can bring plenty of unwanted attention. And plenty of police officers who work for Homeland Security.
you are a comedian, lighthouse, stop sign, or a news bulletin, you really do not need any unwanted attention. That is, if you are like most people and want to live an obscure, peaceful and undisturbed life. Like me.
Remember, friends, there are two type of attention: the NEEDED attention that accompanies newborn babies and animals, and the UNNEEDED attention that accompanies blunders, errors of judgement, and events that happen for not thinking.
And I leave you with this note of thanks for reading this story.
And my sincere appreciation for your "attention."
Life is what it is. A theater of sorts. With up's, down's, bumps and bruises. And yes, its share of 'mine fields,' that cause us humans much humiliation. Why can't we be like our friends, the animals, and not be affected by such things as:
SNEEZING IN A QUIET THEATER
ACCIDENTALLY BELCHING IN A CAFE
STUMBLING ON STAIRS
SPILLING FOOD ON OURSELVES
GETTING FOOD LODGED IN OUR TEETH
I cannot answer that. I, like you, have to just cope, deal, and hope that no one, well, not too many civil folks see me while I perform on the stage of life a production that I like to call, "Stumble Bum: Not A Fun Guy to Be."