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Desperate For Breakfast

Updated on March 31, 2011

How was the omelette really created?

"Those are some pretty good lookin' chickens you got there Lyle", said Vernon walking into the barn.

"They sure is but I think they sick. I bought 'em yesterd'y and when I checked on 'em this morning I seen they had these big white things coming out th'er butts."

"What do you mean out th'er butts?"

"Well looky here" said Lyle. "I dare ya to hold one and see what it is."

"Alright, but if its comin out th'er butts I don't know if I wanna know."

He grabbed the white looking rock and circled it around in his fingers. As
he was about to set it down it fell out of his hand and onto the barn floor.

"Well I'll be darned", said Lyle. "what the hell is that? I aint never seen
nothin like that b'fore."

The two men stood over the broken rock looking at it confused. Lyle put his
finger right in the middle.

"Thats some nasty lookin' goop. That big yellow blob just don't look right Vern. I wonder what would happen if we heat it up."

Their eyes lit up at the thought of fire and grabbed a flat iron pan off the shelf.

"You grab all the butt rocks and I'll set it up right over here." said Vernon.

They cracked the rocks open, watching the goop slide out onto the pan. It started bubbling and in amazement Vernon said, "What else you got we can put on 'ner?"

Lyle thought for a minute and said,

"You know last month I was just kinda playin around a lil bit and squeezed Betty's titty."

"You mean the cow Betty?", asked Vernon.

"Yeah they just looked so nice and....well I gave it a little squeeze and this white stuff shot out of it and hit me in the face. I wanted to know what it was so I squeezed out some more and put it in a bowl."

"You mean you squeezed the cow's titty?"

"Yeah I didn't want Lola to find out I was playin' with someone else's titty so I hid the white stuff over there in the corner under that barrell right there."

Lyle walked over to the barrell and lifted it up. Sure enough there was a bowl underneath it.

"GEEZ!!!", holding his nose, "Vern, this ain't white... its yella... and its got green stuff growin' on it. How the hell something that curdled and solid come outta Betty's titty?"

Vernon walked over and looked at it.

"It didn't look like that b'fore. Scrape that green stuff off and just put it on the griddle and lets see what happens."

Lyle used his knife and slid the green fungus off and shred the rest of the block onto the top of the sizzling pan. Lyle and Vern watched their creation.

"Anything else?" asked Vern.

"Well, you know we've had Jose for along time now and the other day I found him...."

"Vern," said Lyle, "You know Jose ain't a girl so I know it don't have titties. I don't know if you need to be tellin' me what you did with that pig."

"No, see he was walkin' around real slow like and then just fell over...dead. He was Lil Joe's favorite so I couldn't let him see him like gat."

"What did you do with the pig Vern?"

"I uh, put him over there...under the other barrell."

Lyle looked at his brother. "Is that what that smell is? I thought it was just cuz you been in here so much."

Lyle walked over to the other barrell and there was Jose on his back with his stiff legs in the air.

"What we gonna do with him?"

Vernon picked up his butcher knife, looked at Lyle and said "the fire is still goin."

They put thin slices of the pig on the iron slab. Vernon heard his stomach growl.

"Hey Lyle, hand me that flat stick over there."

He took the stick and flipped the blob to its other side.

"That don't smell too bad Lyle. Infact I'm gettin a little hungry."

"Yeah", said Lyle, it don't look too bad neitha. That Jose is bakin' real nice. I wonder what it tastes like."

Vernon looked at his brother in astonishment. "That there was my friend. How'm I gonna tell Lil Joe we ate his pet?"

"You ain't GOTTA tell him Vern."

Vern put his head down feeling his stomach growl again.

"I sure am hungry."

They each took a piece off the corner and put it in their mouth.

"Thats pretty good. Maybe we oughtta keep them there chickens around, protect th'er butts real good, you keep playin with Betty's titties, don't worry I won't tell Lola, and then we can get a boy pig and a girl pig to make babies. We could make somethin' outta this. I'ma let you name it.
Yeah I'ma let...wait a minute. How's about we call it a geez and bakin' I'ma let.

That is my theory on how the omelette was created.


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    • The Taco Tagger profile image

      Jim Jimbo 6 years ago

      Something about saying "Betty's titties" makes me giggle with an immaturity I thought long forgotten. Well written piece, it got me to laugh in my otherwise very long and boring day. Keep it up!

    • daWanderer profile image

      daWanderer 6 years ago

      very nicely written!

    • Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

      Wesman Todd Shaw 6 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

      Oh man, sounds like a stone age (yesterday, actually) version of the next little town over - chickens start making all sorts of noise at as early as 2 o'clock in the morning here, and they sound like they are connected to surround sound. I'll let "the others" eat those eggs, I can't stand em' anymore. . .

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 6 years ago from Deep South, USA

      That's quite an imagination you have there! I will never think of an "I'ma let" in the same way again! JAYE