Despite My Best Efforts, Many People Continue to Do As They Wish…
Every day I am faced with examples of friends, acquaintances, and family members who marry or divorce, begin or leave jobs, choose wardrobe items, hairstyles or even concert tickets based not upon my advice, but upon their own willful desires. Naturally, chaos results and mistakes are made. You gotta wonder why these individuals would be so foolish when they have me available to willingly micromanage their lives. It must be the same flawed human behavior that leads people to disregard seat belts or watch the WWF.
Even worse are the legions of anonymous movie extras who exist to wallpaper my world with their presence, yet act in ways that annoy or disturb me. Perhaps they are reluctant to solicit my guidance because they don't know me; perhaps they aren't even aware that I have been put here by a wise Creator for the purpose of bossing my fellow man, but for whatever reason, these folks frequently do things that I don't like!
A simple trip to the supermarket can turn into a nightmare when a selfish old woman grabs the last loaf of chiabatta bread from the shelf just as I decide to reach for it, or a teen tart, idling in the next car, blasts Shakira music. The aberrant actions of this self-absorbed brigade incessantly spoil my days.
How to deal with all this disobedience? I've tried forcefully worded instructions to those close to me, followed by a natural escalation into shouted orders. When I was younger, copious profanity seemed like a good solution, but now, as the world turns more violent, it's dangerous to use that tool, especially with strangers in public places. Therefore, I've decided that my only option is to have Paralyzing Laser Rays, commonly called PLR's, implanted into my fingertips.
Loathe as I am to resort to stereotypical labeling, let's face it: when you're having PLR work done, or any electronic implants for that matter, it's the Aliens who do it best. They pioneered the techniques; they have years of experience. Those people simply have a knack for that sort of thing; maybe it's their tiny fingers.
I've checked out the topic on the Internet and talked to a few people who've had the procedure. Everyone's been very satisfied with the results. There's no long wait with today's technology. You just leave a little note on your bedside table to convey your request to the Aliens, and that very night they do it while you sleep. Supposedly it's completely painless with few side effects. They say you might need to sleep in a little later the next morning, and sometimes there's a mild rash. The Aliens bill your HMO directly, and they don't need a referral.
I don't mind saying that I'm pretty excited about the decision to get PLR's. It's almost like the feeling of buying your first car. I did decide to indulge myself with a few sporty options. I'm going for the AccuZap2008 model with the auto-deploy function. It features the two standard settings, STUN/IMMOBILIZE, which allows you up to five minutes to lecture the target individual, and VAPORIZE, in case they continue to disagree after you release them from the initial immobilization. The auto-deploy kicks in on its own in the presence of anyone who says the word "paradigm" or uses "impact" as a verb. Understand now, I'm certainly not a violent person and I intend to use my PLR's judiciously, only on people who don't do what I know they should do.
I forgot to ask how long it takes to become proficient in the use of PLR's. I never did get the knack of driving a stick shift and I must admit that I'm rather awkward. Perhaps I should experiment with lower life forms like politicians and car salesmen before attempting to use the AccuZap2008 on humans.
Yes, this is definitely the way to go, and I think life will go much more smoothly now. I might even be able to talk some sense into the tax assessment folks.