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The Lighter Side of Dieting

Updated on August 25, 2012

Funny Quotes

  • When we lose twenty pounds...we may be losing the best twenty pounds we have. We may be losing the pounds that contain our genusis, our humanity, our love and honesty. - Woody Allen
  • Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a 90 ft. redwood. - Erma Bombeck
  • My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Wells
  • A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit. - Author Unknown
  • The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
  • Bigger snacks make bigger slacks. - Anonmyous
  • Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. - Mark Twain
  • I.m allergic to food. Every time I eat it, it breaks outr into fat. - Jennifer Greene Duncan
  • It's ok to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it. - Roseanne Barr
  • The cartiologists diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. - Author Unknown
  • I keep trying to lose weight ... but it keeps finding me. - Unknown
  • The only time to eat diet foor is while you're waiting for the steak to cook. - Julia Child
  • If nature had intended our skeletons to be visible it would have put them on the outside of our bodies. - Elmer Rice
  • As for those grapefruit and buttermilk diets, I'll take roast chicken and dumplings. - Hattie McDaniel
  • Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable. - Jackie Gleason
  • Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cakae, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis
  • I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Anonmyous
  • I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pill. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis


Diet Trivia

  • A diet of potatoes and milk will provide all the nutrients the human body needs.
  • Fat free or zero trans fat foods typically carry a large amount of sodium and sugar.D
  • H J Heinz sells about 50% of all the diet foods in the U.S.
  • McDonalds has been working with diet icon Dr. Dean Ornish to help lower fat intake.
  • Avocados can serve as your secret weight loss partner because they are high in healthy fats. They can be a meat substitiute.
  • Eating celery results in negative calories.
  • Whether you take in 500 less calories or burn off 500 more calories, by the end of the week you will be one pound lighter.
  • By switching from mayonnaise to mustard on a sandwich you can save about 85 calories.
  • Decaf coffee is a great source of antioxidents as well as a great way to control cravings.
  • When you skip a meal your body goes into fat-storing starvation mode, making it harder to burn off calories.
  • People who skip breakfast are more likely to be overweight.


Funny diet thoughts

  • Never go back for seconds. Gets it all the first time.
  • I'm not fat I'm fluffy.
  • Dieting is wishful shrinking.
  • I do have flabby thighs, fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • Always stand next to a person fatter than you whenever possible.
  • Health food makes me sick.
  • Those who indulge, bulge.
  • There's a new Chinese diet. Order all the food you want but only use one chopstick.
  • A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore have a friend order the mousse and you eat have of it.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • My body is a temple where junk food goes to worship.
  • Only eat things broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.
  • Little and often doesn't mean a trip to the refrigerator every half hour.
  • Touch your toes, and touch your toes, AND WISH YOU'D SKIPPED THOESE OREOS.

Weird Diets

Please don't try these - they have been banned by the Food and Drug Administration.

  • Tapeworm Diet

With this diet a tapeworm is introduced to your stomach. He happily lives there eating the food you ingest. It secretes proteins into your intestinal tract causing you to inefficiently digest your food. It's a very unhealthy way to try to lose weight. It causes malnutrition, vomiting, nausea, anemia, diarrhea, and the formation of cysts.

  • HCG Diet

On this diet you get the grand total of 500 calories per day. But that's not all, you also are injected daily with a hormone that is produced by pregnant women.

  • Fletcherizing Diet

While on this diet you must chew your food at least 32 times with your head tilted forward. After which you tilt your head back allowing food to slide down your throat. Whatever food does not slide down on it's own is to be spit out.

  • The Cotton Ball Diet

On this diet you fill up on cotton balls. Some people eat them dry and some eat them soaked in gelatin. The idea is the fill up on them so you won't want fattening food. The is a lot of fiber there but not exactly the kind you need.

  • Mono-Diet

The idea ofthis diet is to choose one food and eat that food and only that food for a week. You are allowed to eat as much of that food as you wish. Ideally you would choose a low calorie food and lose up to maybe 20 pounds in a week. However, you also need to exclude salt, spice and suar completely.


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    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

      vespawoolf, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I had such fun putting it together. I always find out so many interesting things when I research for a hub. The potato surprized me too.

    • vespawoolf profile image

      vespawoolf 5 years ago from Peru, South America

      Hilarious! I read this with my hubby, who is on a low carb diet. The trivia was thought-provoking. I didn't know potatoes provide all the necessary nutrients! Definitely wont' be trying the cotton ball diet. Another great one...thanks so much.

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Jamie, I had fun with this hub. I wanted to poke fun at an area that so many people have a problem with. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    • Jamie Brock profile image

      Jamie Brock 5 years ago from Texas

      What a great hub, so funny yet informative too. I will be bookmarking this one, I found it very inspiring, too. I'm getting ready to make a change and this hub will help me with that, thank you :)

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Vellur and TToombso8, I had a great time writing it. Glad you liked it.

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      I love information with a side of funny! Great job, Koffee! Love the trivia! Voted up and more. :)

    • Vellur profile image

      Nithya Venkat 5 years ago from Dubai

      Enjoyed reading and had a good laugh. Thank you. Voted up, entertaining and funny.

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

      acaetnna, I was hoping to tickle somebody's funny bone.

    • acaetnna profile image

      acaetnna 5 years ago from Guildford

      Oh what a hoot - what a totally brilliant hub. I needed a laugh and you certainly gave me one. Awesome!

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Janine Huldie, I was wondering if the injections made you feel as if you had morning sickness. Oh what a feeling - that would be enough to put me off my food.

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Loved how you started this off with the funny quotes about dieting. Also very interesting about some of the different diet fads. For the HCG diet, I have been pregnant twice and I am assuming they are injecting this into a person to make them nauseous enough to not want to eat, because the high levels of this during my 1st trimester truly made me nauseous all day long and thus the lack of wanting to eating. Very interesting indeed and have voted up, shared and tweeted too!!