ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Dirty Jokes From the Old Man

Updated on March 16, 2018
iantoPF profile image

Peter lived in Los Angeles for 26 years, as a bus driver and then a supervisor for L.A. Metro. A collector of jokes, here is a sample

Me and Eliza

A Bad, Bad Man

Here I am with Eliza Dushku. She played Faith, the rogue slayer in “Buffy, the vampire slayer." Here we are during the shoot of a scene from the series “Doll House” They were shooting in Downtown Los Angeles. My job was to detour the buses around the location while they were filming.
You may notice that she has the smile of a beautiful young woman. I have the grin of a Dirty Old Man.
Sometimes it’s just great to be me.
Now and again I’ve made the effort to hide my wicked and sinful nature but now, I give up. I am who I am so there’s no point trying to pretend any more. I might as well take delight in my wickedness. Here are some of my favorite jokes from the Old Man who, these days, takes all night to do what he used to do all night.

Teddy Bears

A woman met a man in a bar. After talking and a few drinks, they went back to his place. As soon as she walked in she saw that he had a fantastic collection of Teddy Bears. They were arranged neatly on shelves on the wall. She wondered what was a GUY doing with Teddy Bears but she didn’t say anything because, before too long, they were taking the clothes off each other and spent the night in wild, passionate love.
The next morning she asked him;
“Well! How was it?’
He replied “Take any prize you want from the bottom shelf.”

Billy's first National TV joke

This is Billy Connolly in 1976. He was on the Michael Parkinson show, one of the great Chat shows of British Television. This was the first time for Billy on national TV and this is the joke that made him famous outside Scotland.

The Begging Boyfriend and Three Men from China

It was late and he was walking his girlfriend home to her house. At the front door he leaned seductively against the side of the door and said “Gimme a blow job”
“No!” she said “My parents are in”
“They’re asleep” he said “Gimme a blow job they won’t hear a thing”
“No!” she said “I can’t, not here”
It went on like this for a while with him begging and her saying no until the window opened and her sister put her head out and said;
“Dad says give him a blow job. If you won’t do it, I will. If necessary, mom will do it, but whatever, get his hand off the intercom!”

Three men came to America from China. Their names were Fu, Bu, and Chu. Because they were in America, they wanted their names to sound American. So Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck and Fu……….had to go back to China.

Washing Day and the Doctor

Two women were talking across the garden fence;
“I don’t know how you do it!” one said. “You only hang your clothes out to dry when there’s good weather. If it rains your clothes are never out. What’s your secret? How do you know if the weather is going to be warm or raining?”
“It’s easy” said the other “Every morning I pull the bedclothes off my husband and if it’s laying to the right the day will be sunny, if it’s laying to the left it’s guaranteed to rain.”
“Oh yeah!” said the first woman “What do you do if it’s sticking straight up?”
“If it’s sticking straight up,” she answered “Who the hell wants to wash clothes.”

A young woman went for a physical examination. She explained to the doctor that she needed the exam for a new job but this was the first time for her to have a physical.
“That’s all right” said the doctor “Just go behind that screen and take off your clothes.”
When she had done that she called out “What do I do now?”
The doctor replied “Fold them into a neat little pile and put them next to mine.”

Misheard song Lyrics

Limericks

There was a young man from Kildare,
Who was having his wife on the stair,
The banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

On the bosom of sweet Abigail
Was written the price of her tail.
And on her behind,
For the use of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

The Hokey Pokey

The man who invented the Hokey Pokey. Hokey Cokey if you are American, died recently. It was a sad and solemn affair until it came time to put him in the coffin.
They put his left leg in................It all went to hell after that.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • WoosterSpring profile image

      WoosterSpring 

      8 years ago from The Central Valley in California

      iantoPF,

      I just read your bio....it was a LONG time ago, but when I finished high school I headed for Europe & the UK and hitch-hiked by myself for 3 years. Anyway, I was lucky enough to have spent some of that time in Wales. I loved it. I was in the village of Crybn, outside of Lampeter in County Dyfed. Also, one of my favorite books is "How Green Was My Valley." Have to go, I'm working on my first post for the Hubpages!

    • WoosterSpring profile image

      WoosterSpring 

      8 years ago from The Central Valley in California

      I will be looking for part 2!

    • iantoPF profile imageAUTHOR

      Peter Freeman 

      8 years ago from Pen-Bre, Cymru/Wales

      Hello Woosterspring and welcome to Hubpages. Glad you liked my humor. I'm considering a (part 2)

      I'm looking forward to eading your Hubs.

    • WoosterSpring profile image

      WoosterSpring 

      8 years ago from The Central Valley in California

      Ok, this is seriously funny stuff! Thanks, I needed some humor today!

    • iantoPF profile imageAUTHOR

      Peter Freeman 

      8 years ago from Pen-Bre, Cymru/Wales

      heool Kael, Thank you, f you enjoyed these jokes there you are on your way,

      Best Wishes............Ianto.

    • Kael Myril profile image

      Kael Myril 

      8 years ago from Tacoma, WA

      That was fantastic! I'm working on becoming a dirty old man myself, and I loved this!

      Thanks for the read!

    • iantoPF profile imageAUTHOR

      Peter Freeman 

      8 years ago from Pen-Bre, Cymru/Wales

      Hello James; Thank you and yes, she is hot but a very nice person. We chatted a little. She had just come off a fight scene and if you look closely at her mouth you might see the fake blood on one corner.

      I've really been enjoying your historical Hubs by the way.

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 

      8 years ago from Chicago

      Hilarious! I needed a good laugh tonight and you kindly obliged. Thanks! Hot chick by the way. And you look good too with your dirty old man grin. :D

    • iantoPF profile imageAUTHOR

      Peter Freeman 

      8 years ago from Pen-Bre, Cymru/Wales

      Hi Valbond; I liked Eliza with my arm around her. ;)

    • valbond profile image

      valbond 

      8 years ago from UK

      Nice photo of you and Eliza - I like her in Dollhouse and liked her in Buffy too.

      And good jokes as well.

    • iantoPF profile imageAUTHOR

      Peter Freeman 

      8 years ago from Pen-Bre, Cymru/Wales

      Hello PrettyPanther; thank you I'm glad you enjoyed them.

    • PrettyPanther profile image

      PrettyPanther 

      8 years ago from Oregon

      Great jokes! Thank you for the laughs this morning. :-)

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)