Disregard Females, Acquire Currency: A Delightful Treatise
During my tranquil walks, numerous strangers have come before me to learn of my wonderfully misogynistic, guinea-hoarding philosophy. This was a confusing and bizarre occurrence at first. Naturally, I wrongly assumed opium and ether abuse had reached an apex in Coventry and merely pointed at the fools while engaging in hearty laughter.
It more recently came to my attention that townsfolk had been plastering buildings with large posters upon which the lettering read “Disregard Females, Acquire Currency”. During festive gatherings, some had prepared themselves for the proceedings my bringing scrolls with the same slogan and image affixed, displaying it for all to see when relevant to the proceedings.
Exactly why this somewhat bold statement has been ascribed to my likeness baffles me even at the moment of penning these writings. I cannot pretend these are not words I heed myself. With utmost certainty I can tell you that freshly issued gold sovereigns cause my mouth to salivate like the most wretched of beasts. The actions of feeble ladies rarely escape my scrutiny, although I am quick to fix my mind back unto business affairs.
The opposite sex had indeed opposed my advances for the better part of adult existence. I yearn not for pity when I disclose that indifference and inexpensive wine have become two dear friends only rivaled by my lust for bank notes.
- Disregard Females, Acquire Currency on Facebook
Rejoice in jubilant celebrations until thee fails to maintain one's consciousness, divulge in thine ale until thee fails to maintain one's ability to remain animately existent.
In younger years, the porcelain-skinned and curvaceous among the fairer sex gave my eyes great delight. Gay music filled the room as I danced fanciful jigs often admired by most of those in attendance. Rarely did it bring the attention of those I most sought; although on occasion a drunken maiden lacking incisor teeth would join me in slumber.
One such maiden was called by those who knew her, Fraglene Bum-bóia. Pressing business affairs usually keep me from pondering our time together. The exception is only made here so I can transcribe the events as they happened.
In short, Fraglene’s uncouth demeanor, ether habit and purse-leaching ways played a primarily role in the creation of my philosophical stance. Much of my time was wasted catering to her whims, when it should have been spent maintaining balances alongside the oil refinery.
She had a taste for Vieux Boulogne, a cheese so potent in smell that often I questioned if my nose itself had begun to tell treacherous lies. Each wheel I purchased for her got larger, of elevated extravagance and was more putrid than the last. She’d sit with a white cloth firmly pressed upon her nose, huffing sporadically while feasting on every last morsel of that horrible cheese.
Ten years ago I finally decided that I’d had enough of her unsavory behavior, forcing me to part with half of my fortune as we parted ways. After the court case had closed I could barely contain my anger, knowing well how she would spend my hard-earned guineas.
During these darkest hours, my own problems started compounding. My sadness was so heavy that I could hardly make it into my place of employment to tally the earnings of the company. My thoughts were barraged by so much negative emotion that even a fine day of croquet would not calm the nerves.
Although I cannot take credit for the exact wording of an unknown scholar, “Disregard Females, Acquire Currency” is indeed a fine slogan all should consider before acting on primal urges. Since the coins on my desk have begun to stack high again, those old memories of Fraglene have been pushed back so far that I can scarcely remember the putrid odor of Vieux Boulogne.