Disrupted emotions/ dysfunctional heart
As black as you seem you always leave me vulnerable, broken, and weak. I have always promised not to acknowledge your existence, yet every single trial in life has proven me wrong. I remember when I swore by God and the pearly gates of heaven on my 10th birthday never to fall prey to your empty promises. I thought I have forsaken you, broken free out of your treacherous spell, yet now looking at my broken reflection in the mirror I know I have failed. I swore not to cry, yet here I go again.
I swore not to love anyone, not even myself, not even a breathing soul, and I remember I swore to love and embrace death itself. Yet now, even though I feel death to be part of me, I still feel your spell taking over my body. That weak portion of me, that little dark heart of mine that I thought I disregarded keeps haunting me and every time I make a step forward you drag me ten backwards.
What did I do you wrong to deserve this fate? DO I not have the right to live in peace? All what I am asking you is to depart! Disappear and leave me hollow. I used to savor the hollowness within me. At least back then, I used to be free, I used to be whole. Now I am shackled, in distress and alone with my tears. Back then, I had my shadow as a friend, yet now with my heart the pain I am unable to fend.
Don’t get me wrong, I am familiar with pain, all sorts of pain except this. I am familiar with loss, hatred, and impoverishment, yet this is a different sense of pain. Pain that comes in doses, that you overdose just my looking at them. And by any other name, I would call it the beast of all fiends.
I do love the numb feeling I had when I lacked my heart. Why can‘t I simply tear this type of emotion and depart. I mean am I destined to ache due to this fragile part. If so what is the significance of going through all this emotional turmoil? Is it fate; is it part of our human nature?
Sure not, I have lived emotionless and heartless for 19 years, and throughout that period never did I have a feeling that I missed a piece, so why now all of a sudden? Why does the beast within my chest awaken? Why does the acid rain burn through my steel armor? Why does it blaze the lock on my antique chest that holds my rotten heart? Why now, I ask, “Why has not that part of me died by now?”
Have I ever told you I hate being a human? Why weren’t we created humanoids, lacking emotions and all? At least that would have spared us the pain and the misery. Emotions are just a burden, a badge of dishonor in which we are called by them Human.