Don't-A Short Story About Learning To Trust Again
This was at first going to be used for a collection of short stories I have been working on but I realized that it did not fit within my collection which is more supernatural/horror.
This is a pretty honest piece mixed with fiction about the feelings of loneliness and how easy it is to just accept that you will be alone. You try to tell yourself it is for the better and you get so wrapped up in the thought that when somebody tries to break that shield you put up it just destroys you.
Water mixed with blood ran down the drain on a dark and gloomy night where dreams collapsed. I stood alone, shaking and looking up at the rainclouds and the lighting that lit up the sky. I was frozen just standing there, letting the wind and rain run through my hair, letting it soak my clothes until it fit clung to me like a drowning fool.
You were there and just smiling at me as if you didn’t know what you have just caused. You have seen my wrist; you have seen my tears, why would you dare say such words to me when I’m in this state. I was so mad I couldn’t even speak. I just stared at you.
You laughed; it cut through my skin like razors, and told me once again how disappointed you were in me. Acting like once again everything that had happened, everything that had befallen us, everything that led us here, was my fault. You never opened your eyes wide enough to see that you were partly to blame for this as well.
I found my voice finally but didn’t dare speak the words. I closed my eyes instead and let the coldness of the January night freeze me. Instead I whispered my words internally, little pleas and prayers of please don’t, don’t, don’t do this.
You didn’t care, you didn’t listen. When did I ever say anything that mattered to you?
You take a step back and I tense, closing my eyes fearfully, my heart already plummeted ten times in ten minutes. I was sure the heart was going to call a defeat and stop working. Please don’t, don’t, don’t do this, and you just shook your head and mouth ever so slowly, your eyes casted over and puffy, “you don’t want to say anything?”
Lighting streaked in the sky and you glowed in its glory, your hair swooshing around, your clothes flapping on your body making your small frame look so much smaller. You lowered your head this time, taking in a small breath, your eyes misting with tears as you just shake your head and repeat almost brokenly “I love you.”
Your admission hurt. A jackhammer to my spine would have been less painful and I close my mouth again, my mouth that suddenly so swollen and dry. I forgot how to speak; your words wiped my mind completely clean of anything other than breathing and standing. I shook my head to try and destroy the evidence of unshed tears that was on a countdown to release. I didn’t want to cry in front of you. I didn’t want you to think of me as weak. Instead words just kept echoing through my mind . Don’t, don’t say anything else, please just don’t say it anymore.
“You know you can speak. Tell me the truth, I just needed to try, I needed to tell you my feelings, I just knew that if I didn’t than I would regret it,” you whispered back, stumbling on your words, your body trembling now, looking so small against the trees behind you.
The tear ran down my face, it streaked, ruining my make-up I worked on for hours. I took a step back, my mind in panic mode now, my emotions a vast war between two armies where both are doomed to meet the same defeat. The truth was I did not love. I have always been by myself. That’s how I survived day to day. That’s the way I’m used to. That’s the way it had to be. I couldn’t let myself get attached to anybody else. I just couldn’t.
“Come on just say something, anything,” you look even more worn out. I knew you would tire soon and then we can put this whole silly thing behind us and act as if your confession never happened. Then we would be in the waltz between denial and pleading and then the waltz would end and our friendship would just fade away and you would forget me and I would be alone once again. Where I belonged.
“I love you.”
The knife dug deeper against my chest and I cover my ears with my hands, still shaking my head because I was not one that people liked. People barely wanted me as their friend so why would somebody want me for something more than friendship, “stop,” I finally let the word slip out of my mouth, even though it was cracked up and broken and filled with sobs and mistrust.
“I can’t stop,” you whispered, taking a foot toward me like some goddess, the lighting and the wind and the rain made you look out of this world and wonderful and perfect and…you couldn’t love me. Leave and don’t come back.
“I hate you,” I screamed as I collapsed to the ground, more heartache ran off of my body as rainwater drenched my soul, “I was fine. I was okay with my life. I was okay with being alone. I was okay with the thought nobody would care if I died or not. You broke it. You broke me. Just leave me alone.”
Your arms were around me suddenly and I looked up at your runny make-up and your drenched face, your arms alive with goose bumps, your shirt so heavy on you with rain that it pulled it down a little on the top, showing off a little of your bra, “I won’t leave you.”
I tried to push you away, tried to stand up but you were so strong, you were always so much stronger than me. I broke out in tears again as I grabbed you and sobbed against your chest, “why do you have to tell me this? Why do you need to get my hopes up. In the end you will leave. In the end everybody always leave and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep letting people in; I can’t take letting people into my life when all they will do is leave. I can’t do it anymore. I would rather die than live through having somebody I care about toss me aside like I am nothing.”
“Don’t say that,” you whispered back, trembling from the coldness, “you are not nothing. You are such an amazing girl and my best friend and I swear I will never leave you.”
I looked down, looked at your legs that were covered in mud, your short skirt forever strained with the mixture of water, leaves, and dirt. I break down harder as I cling to your shirt, pulling it down even more, “Don’t leave me.”
You held me tighter and ran your hands down my hair and back, “I won’t.” I nodded against your chest as I closed my eyes and tried to draw this memory into my mind because I knew sooner or later you would leave me and all that I would remember from this was the word “Don’t.”
As you dragged me back to my feet and we started to walk back to my place, I couldn't help but hope that maybe you would be the one that would always be there.