Easy Ways To Win The Waiting Game
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YEARS TO WRITE THIS
THE WAIT IS OVER. READ ON AND SAY FAREWELL TO LONG LINES.
Okay. I sorta went astray with my story about how ‘Satan Could Work At Burger King,’ and maybe a few more, but that’s just me. I make no apologies for my inspiration or sources of inspiration.
This time, to comply with the guidelines of our wise and knowing HubPage(s) directors, editors and managers, this will be a useful story that you can read from time to time to yourself and it’s so safe that you can read it to your kids after dinner. Yeah, (like A-1 Steak Sauce), it’s that safe.
I must warn you that if you are a person who might be in the lineage of Job, the Biblical Champion of Patience, you may not appreciate this story as someone (like me) who is cursed with an excessive amount of impatience. Remember, only an impatient person can truly relate to another person who is impatient.
We spend a great many hours of our life span waiting. Waiting on the seasons to change; waiting on our dates or spouses to get ready; waiting on the traffic light to change and waiting to see if we are the parents of a bouncing baby boy or a princess-of-a-little baby girl. While all these areas of waiting are needed, no one told us that we had to enjoy the long, laborious hours of waiting to see the outcome of some event, movie, or news story that we had to wait through sixteen commercials to see who was elected to run our country.
See where I am going with this? I confess up front with you. I am not a good waiter. Matter of factly, I hate waiting. I hate waiting on a waiter or waitress. I wonder if waiters and waitresses hate to wait on the cooks in the kitchen to prepare their orders? Guess that story will just have to wait.
I’ve said it in secret to friends and in public to my wife, no matter what store I visit or what time I visit, the person in head of me WILL BE THE slowest person God ever let draw a breath. Have you ever felt like I do? I have actually had people who were in front of me pay for their bags and bags of groceries, with change--pennies, nickels, quarters while the cashier only smiled and the rest of us in her line just had to grit our teeth out of the sheer frustration of it all. To make matters worse, when it’s finally my time to pay for my few items, the cashier suddenly realizes that it’s her break time and in comes a slower cashier making me wait even longer to get home.
Well, dear impatient friends, here comes the useful part of my story. While I was killing time in my work office at home the other day, it occurred to me that even though “I” may never learn to love waiting, that doesn’t mean that I cannot be of use or help to you who are just like me--impatient and could benefit from story such as this.
Okay. Let’s take a few of the toughest places that we have to wait to be served. A grocery or department store, an office in courthouse, and the “Mother of All Places to Wait,” the Department of Motor Vehicles in any state in the union. I don’t know why that the DMV has taken on this title of being so slow. I guess it’s because the employees are all civil servants and they get paid the same no matter how few or how many people they serve.
Now let’s suppose, for argument’s sake, that you have dropped by the local grocer to buy a few select items for your special dinner at home with that hot girl that you’ve been admiring for months or with your wife on your tenth wedding anniversary. Simple, right? In and out. Yeah, you wish it were that easy because it’s not, my friends. Quite the contrary. And you will soon see how quickly what patience that you do have fades like a foggy morning in Boston as you take one small step (not for mankind) at a time as you creep your way to the check-out girl and hopefully make your special appointment.
You didn’t expect to see this many people materialize this quick, did you? When you came into the store, there were only a handful of people and you only have four items that took you a grand total of ten minutes to find, so what gives? You think to yourself as you look at all the check-out lanes only to see that they are all crowded like cattle being loaded onto railroad cars to send them to market.
Then you start strategizing. Which is the shortest long line that you can ease into, pay for your four items and make it home? Let me just say right here that no matter what line you settle for, the person in head of you, even though doesn’t look like (to you) that they have a lot of things to pay for, believe me, this is the type of person who has coupons for every item in her basket or needs a price check on every item she has. Long sad story short, a miser is in head of you and you are at her mercy.
Enough suffering I say. This is where the help I promised you begins. And these suggestions, if you will use them, will work for you about 86% of the time. What would you do with that extra time that you can save if you follow my advice? That’s up to you. Just take each suggestion and see if it applies to you and your particular level of impatience.
1. START UP A ‘FAKE’ COUGH - that sounds like you are contagious. Cover your mouth and even pull your collar up around your neck. Just wait. A few more ‘fake’ coughs and that person in front of you will be so concerned that you are a carrier of a disease that they cannot get their grocery cart unloaded fast enough. All because of your coughing. And do not worry. Coughing is not illegal.
2. READ HEADLINES - from the ‘trash rags,’ The Star and National Enquirer out loud. And throw in some ‘I don’t believe this!’ and a few loud laughs, and even start an annoying conversation about Britney Spears’ Dog Dieting Secrets, to the person in head of you and ask for their opinions. That should light a fire under them. Watch them scamper out of the store leaving you to enjoy some free minutes to unload your grocery cart and be as relaxed as if you were in the Med.
3. HUM A BORING TUNE - I mean a tune that no one knows. Hum loudly while looking into space as if you are recalling a special memory. This works most of the time, but make double-sure that the person in head of you is not a martial arts instructor or a retired Navy Seal.
4. ‘ACCIDENTALLY’ BUMP INTO THE PERSON - ahead of you. Of course apologize instantly. Then after a minute, do it again and then look embarrassed and say, “I just don’t know why I’m falling like this,” and the person ahead of you who is costing you time, will be so afraid that you might really collapse and they might be the one administering CPR on you, that they will speed up. The check-out girl or guy just might ask if you’re alright. With a weak voice, reply yes as you hold onto the conveyor belt that transports groceries to the cash register.
5. DIAL YOUR OWN CELL PHONE - and when it rings, grab it from your coat pocket and say in a loud voice, “Hey, sorry! I will be right there!” Then get the attention of the person who is ahead of you--and act frantically and say, “Do you mind if I pay for my few items and leave?” You will be getting out of the store quick, but that night, be ready for your conscience to start whispering how bad you are, but I got that covered too. Next time you are in line, simply let the person behind you go ahead of YOU. That will take care of the conscience.
These are things that YOU DO NOT USE AT ALL.
1. Crutches to act injured to play on the sympathy of other shoppers. Fate has a way of bringing this home to you.
2. Speaking in a foreign tongue and act confused so that the big-hearted American shoppers can let “Vladimir” get ahead of them. Someday, someway, one or more of these people will see you again and you will be speaking perfect English. Be careful.
3.The tough guy routine will only get you arrested. Do not use this one.
4. Act like your wife in the parking lot is going into labor and you need to hurry ahead of the other shoppers. This is a cheap, low-life routine that I promise you will not work. If there are lady shoppers watching your new dad act, they can see right through you. So do not be a jerk. Only use the tips I gave you at the top of the story.
One final thing I might add to help you with your waiting is this: Be friendly to the person ahead of you and behind you. Start a real conversation if the people really want to talk to pass the time. You will find that conversing with other people who are bearing the same cross as you makes the time go faster. I highly suggest that you try this one.
“Wait and see,” if these tips will not make you a winner when you play “The Waiting Game.”
What are you waiting for? Get out there in the stores and put them to use.
I simply can’t wait to see how good you come out.