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Edgar Allen Pooh - my Pooh satire
Edgar Allen Pooh was not a happy bear. He couldn't stand honey but he loved the taste of Cheese Nips. E. A. Pooh lived in the inner city with the other animals and his crib (home) was a 100 square foot shack in Dayton, Ohio. Chestopher Throbbin, Pooh's landlord came banging at the door...shouting, “I know you're in there Mr. Pooh....I can smell the Cheese Nip burps.....it is 12:01 and your rent is one minute past due!" Edgar Allen Pooh just sat in his lazy boy, munched on his Cheese Nips, cranked the volume up on the TV and ignored the landlord.
"BAM" the door flew open as Chestopher Throbbin shouted,"Ha....I have a key Mr. Pooh...I knew you were here....where is my rent?" E. A. Poo may have been a bit irritated and hasty as he ripped the arm from Chestopher Trobbin with his powerful claw but Chestopher Throbbin's tone was annoying. "Darn you, silly land lord" Pooh screeched as he put the rent money in the severed arm's hand. Pooh then picked up the arm and handed it to the land lord and said, “It has cost you an arm to collect the rent....shall we go for and arm and a leg?"
Chestopher Throbbin passed out...then slowly died from the loss of blood and Edgar Allen Pooh went back to eating Cheese Nips and watching TV. Three weeks later, Pooh noticed that the stench of the landlord's body was ruining the flavor of his Cheese Nips. E. A. Pooh decided to bury Chestopher Throbbin under the floor boards. He wrapped the body in and old green carpet.... pried up five boards and dropped it in the space. He screwed the boards back down with 3 inch long drywall screws. Pooh scratched his head and said to himself, “Crap...I forgot the arm!" Pooh picked up the arm....put the hand under his chin and said,"Hmmm...let me think....I don't want to take the boards back up...I forgot to put soap on the screws and they would be very hard to take out."
"That's it" Pooh laughed, "I'll remove the flesh and make myself a great back scratcher!" "Cheesy oh Nippies" Pooh shouted with glee! The phone rang....E. A. Pooh picked it up and it was his old friend, E-whore. Pooh said, “Hello E-whore....my it has been a while since I have heard your very good voice!" E-whore said in a slow emotionless tone, “Hello Edgar...I was just calling you because nobody ever calls me....I can't seem to sell my body....even on line...with discount coupons....free condoms.....oooooh well.....how are you Edgar?"
Pooh...."I just killed the landlord a couple of weeks back and found that I can buy three cases of Cheese Nips a week now!"
E-Whore...."That's nice Pooh.....you'll probably get charged with murder or die from choking on Cheese Nips."
Pooh...."Silly E-whore....I put the body under my floor...you can't see it anymore!"
E-whore...."Now that you've told me...I'm an accomplice....oooooh....I bet prison has hard beds."
Pooh...."Oh my, Oh my E-whore....could it possible be....you would tell on me?"
E-whore...."No Edgar.....I couldn’t tell....wouldn't do any good anyhow....who would believe an E-whore."
Pooh...."Oh...Oh...there's some one at the door...got to go E-whore!"
E-whore...."Goodbye Pooh....probably won't see ya later.".
Edgar Allen Pooh went straight to the door and as he unlocked it.....the door flew open and hit him in the face! A large yellow and black alley cat trampled over him and shouted, “Where’s the body...where's the body old buddy?" Pooh grinned and said, “Digger....you old grave yard cat....where have you been?" Digger answered, “Digging...Digging is what I do...ya dig...I love to dig...dig and dig deep just to dig deeper....I dug to China once...got these Nikes at half price wooohooo!"
Digger was running around the room, sniffing old Cheese Nip boxes....laundry baskets....dirty dishes and finally he sniffed out the severed arm of the landlord.
Digger held up the arm and shouted,"Pooh....what's this...there's a body missing from this arm...that could do a person harm!" Pooh hung his head and said," It's the landlord Chestopher Throbbin's arm....he wanted the rent....and dead he went....from into my door to under my floor.....he's wrapped in a rug...snug as a bug." Digger shouted," Wrapped in a rug....surely you dug... a hole with a bowl?" Pooh chuckled, “No hole with a bowl...he's snug in my rug...just under these planks....all that digging...no thanks!"
Digger looked a little sad about Pooh not digging a hole but cheered up when Pooh asked him to stay and play cards. Pooh got out the card table and chairs.....sat them up over top of where the body under was the floor....they played five card stud to the wee hours of the morning. Digger asked Pooh," What's that noise....that thump, thump under my rump, rump?" Edgar Allen Pooh got kind of spooked and said, “What noise Digger....I hear no noise...it's just us boys?" Thump...thump...THump...THUmp...THUMp....THUMP....the noise got louder !
Pooh and Digger jumped up from their chairs as Digger shouted," DIG...I told you to dig...you never should kill with no hole to fill!" Pooh shouted back, “I don't have a bowl....to dig a deep hole.....I thought.....surely landlords.... would fit under boards....why should I have dug...he's wrapped in a rug!" Louder and louder the thump came....creeping and vibrating the floor....Pooh and Digger were frightened almost out of their minds when the thumping finally stopped. There was a knock at the door. Pooh slowly opened the door and saw that it was his friend, Ed the Head Rabbit. Pooh wasn't all that happy to see Ed because Ed liked Cheese Nips also. Pooh however was very relieved that the thumping had stopped.
Ed the Head Rabbit said,"Yo...whut up da Pooh man...hey Digga...sup cuh dog stank...jus stoppin' by to let you hear my new 800 watt am..pa..lo..fier......da bitch can thump...thump.....thump!