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Employment Opportunities for Cigarettes Dwindling

Updated on July 2, 2011

Smoking cessation hard on cigarettes

The recent trends toward smoking cessation have left a lot of cigarettes without a job. The situation is reaching the critical stage for much of the ever decreasing tobacco population. These massive job losses have prompted many cigarettes to seek alternate employment, and not always to their benefit. Studies show that outside of wreaking death and destruction on smokers, there is not much in the job market for cigarettes to do. Any sunny day, you can find entire groups of cigarettes lounging in the sand on the beach because they can't find jobs.

Brushes with the Law


Unfortunately, idle hands are the devil's workshop, and many cigarettes have ended up in jail. Sometimes for breaking the law and other times for lack of anything better to do with their time. A cigarette needs to be resourceful to avoid the downward spiral, and be willing to look at nontraditional employment opportunities. They are few, but they can be found.

Dancing in a chorus line


Not all cigarettes have succumbed to the shrinking job market. Some enterprising individuals have found new careers, usually in the entertainment industry, such as the chorus line featured in the photo.



Because of their light weight and slender physiques, most cigarettes make excellent cheerleaders.

Lounge singing


Lounge singing nets a set wage in addition to tips for this cigarette. She says, "It pays the bills. But at the end of the night I feel really burnt out and go home smelling like smoke." Still, it's better than standing in line at the unemployment office, she states.

Firing squad


Some of the cigarettes interviewed said they paired up with a co-worker, such as a blindfold, and nabbed some freelance gigs here and there on firing squads. "Work share is an option," said one coffin nail.

Brooding artist prop


Not a bad way to make a living is how one cigarette described this job. "You just hang around in an artist's mouth all day, watch him paint, and give him that dark and brooding look. He forgets I'm there for hours at a time, sometimes even forgets to light me. I've had worse jobs."

Movie star


Of course, every cigarette's dream job is going to Hollywood to be a movie star. "A lot of us go out there and get our butts kicked, but every once in a while, one of us gets lucky and is cast in a major motion picture," said one cigarette. He advises against getting overly optimistic, though.

"A lot of us just end up getting crushed by the industry," he said sadly.



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    • Karen Wodke profile image

      Karen Wodke 7 years ago from Midwest

      That's right, Stan. Many of them do turn to a life of crime. I don't even want to mention what a gang of them did to some nicotine patches. It wasn't pretty.

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 7 years ago from Nashville, TN

      Hysterical! They're unemployed because the sin-tax union jacked their wages up to almost 9 bucks a pack! I've heard that some of them are in jail for taking Nicorette hostage and demanding a ransom. Low lifes.

    • Karen Wodke profile image

      Karen Wodke 7 years ago from Midwest

      Sage words, my friends.

    • know one profile image

      know one 7 years ago from Australia

      Oh dear, Karen, where's your willpower? Where's your backbone? Just as a spade is a spade, a lying stinking trickster is a cigarette. Call it as it is - and leave the LST's to the unemployment queues where they belong.

    • saddlerider1 profile image

      saddlerider1 7 years ago

      Smoking is such an ache in the butt and often stepped on and squished nicotine guts are smudged on the pavement alongside a stogy or two.

      Smoke gets in my eyes and clouds my vision in smokey bars with stale beer and ashtrays full of players blue.

      The smoke has found it's patch and no more smoke goes down my hatch. My lungs are thankful as they turn from black to pink and no more stink upon my clothes.

    • Karen Wodke profile image

      Karen Wodke 7 years ago from Midwest

      Thanks chs! I liked all your little plays on words. you are clever!

    • chspublish profile image

      chspublish 7 years ago from Ireland

      No two butts about it, but this very entertaining and witty piece is a glow in the dark on a rainy day. Thanks for the entertainment.

    • Karen Wodke profile image

      Karen Wodke 7 years ago from Midwest

      Now I feel bad about calling cigarettes lying stinking tricksters. You know, I meant it in the nicest way! lol.

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      As an unemployed cigarette myself, I am pleased someone finally had something to say on our behalf.

      Thank you.

    • Karen Wodke profile image

      Karen Wodke 7 years ago from Midwest

      Uninvited Writer: Why didn't I think of that? Because I must be heartless, that's why. I guess they can come live with me.

    • Karen Wodke profile image

      Karen Wodke 7 years ago from Midwest

      Know One, thank you for revealing this insidious characteristic to the rest of us. So it sounds like we shouldn't be so quick to sympathize with unemployed cigarettes. Maybe they had it coming, the lying stinking filthy tricksters! And they had me feeling sorry for them!

    • know one profile image

      know one 7 years ago from Australia

      That was very funny! I stopped employing them years ago when I found out they lied on their resumes... yes, even the fancy silk tipped ones. Turns out they had a secret agenda to undermine the financial well-being and long term viability of their employer.

      They are on their own as far as I'm concerned. I only employ chocolate.

    • Uninvited Writer profile image

      Susan Keeping 7 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

      We must set up a charity for homeless cigarettes.

    • Karen Wodke profile image

      Karen Wodke 7 years ago from Midwest

      Lorlie, you are right. I tried not to be maudlin in the report, but it is true you can find unemployed or burnt out cigarettes almost anywhere, hanging around like a pack of vandals. It's sad and shocking.

    • evvy_09 profile image

      evvy_09 7 years ago from Athens, AL

      Thank you for calling attention to this serious matter. We must all do our part to keep cigarettes out of jail or off the streets. My husbands employs a whole pack of them a day but sadly the turnover rate is pretty high...

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Hahahaha! Love this, Karen. One thing, though, the homeless cigarette population is quite serious, don't you think? Seeing them drinking in the alleyways, begging and filthy, is disconcerting.

      Maybe you can write a hub on them, too??


    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      Muahaha, this is great. Poor ciggies end up in jail. How unfair. We should start some sort of formal protest. I laughed so hard I snorted at the Cheerleaders thing. Another good one. I'm starting to get excited about this discovery!

    • Dusty Snoke profile image

      Dusty Snoke 7 years ago from Chattanooga, TN

      funny, funny, funny.

    • kashmir56 profile image

      Thomas Silvia 7 years ago from Massachusetts

      Very funny,thanks i enjoyed reading your very well written hub !

      Great hub!!! Thumbs up!!!

    • PJ Hawkinson profile image

      PJ Hawkinson 7 years ago

      Sigh, you are probably right, many cigarette careers simply go up in smoke or burn out.

    • profile image

      Grandma's House 7 years ago

      Hahahaha I'm still laughing as I type! I would love to tell you what I liked the best but I can't - they are all good! Rated UP!