Superstar Craves Fish and Chips
Between You, Me, And The Gatepost
‘Hello, Stop, Stop, Stop! Slow down woman. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?’
‘What do you mean by 'spur of the moment'?
‘You can’t just suddenly decide you’re going to jump on a plane, and go half-way across the world. Oh, do forgive me, I’m forgetting that you are a superstar; but really darling that is not fair, you could have called me to let me know you were coming. I really don’t know what to do with you. Oh, before I forget, I saw you at the awards ceremony and I watched your performance singing the national anthem, you were brilliant, the stripes and bright stars outfit was cool; you made this English girl very proud. How did you wrangle it? You are supposed to be a Brit, and to top it all, it was at the White House. Did you meet the President? I didn’t see that bit’.
‘What? Say that again. Of course I want to see you, but I am actually on a train going to Manchester, I said Manchester, to my University. I have an appointment with my tutor. Manchester is north of England, have you forgotten where Manchester is? Now look what you’ve done, you’ve got me shouting, and everyone is looking at me. Oh girlfriend, I could scream, you don’t know how much I would like to see you; this is exactly why I don’t like surprises.’
You’re asking me ‘Why don’t I like surprises’.
‘Well, you’ve come all the way from LA to surprise me, and I am not around for the surprise. Flying visit, what flying visit? You’re flying back to LA tonight? I am not accepting anything about a flying visit. I don’t understand how you can just fly in and fly out again the same day. You can’t leave without seeing me; stop talking about ‘a flying visit’.
‘Are you at the airport?’
'Where, Turpin Street? Speak up a bit, which Turpin Street? I don’t live around there anymore, don’t you read my emails? I wrote to you over six months ago, I told you that I’ve got a new place near Brooks. Oh, you got the email, speak up a bit, this line is getting very feint. Hold a second, if you got may email, and know that I’m no longer living there, why you walking around Turpin Street, what is the interest in Turpin Street?’
‘Oh, I can’t hear you, this phone is playing up; stay there, don’t hang-up, don’t go anywhere, I need to tap this phone. Hello, hello, can you hear me now. Babes, can you hear me?
Oh no! I’ve lost the connection, the phone’s gone dead; imagine, we are supposed to have high power superfast broadband and now I’ve lost the connection.’
‘Oh sorry, sorry everybody, I’m forgetting my manners; sorry fellow passengers. I hope I didn’t upset anybody, by shouting down the phone, but I really couldn’t hear her. She’s my long-time friend, we went to nursery and junior school together, but now she’s a superstar, a big celebrity. Guess who I’m talking about? Come on, guess. You know her! Well, what I mean is that you don’t know her, like I know her, but you know her. Why you’re all looking at me like I’m lying, I am not lying; it’s true what I’m saying. Here, let me show you some photographs. See, that is me, looking beautiful as ever and this is my superstar friend, even then she was a knock-out. Ah, ah, I see your eyes light-up and that bloke’s jaw just dropped; I told you I wasn’t lying. Hey, hey, the phone is ringing, she’s calling me back. Excuse me everybody, I think I better take this call in the passage way, get some privacy; don’t want to be broadcasting her business to everybody. Excuse me sir, can I squeeze pass you, thank you very much.’
Superstar On The Loose
‘Hello darling, yes, yes, I’m here. I can hear you, loud and clear. I just showed some people on the train a photo of you and me, you’re my superstar friend. Anyway, back to what we were saying, what are you doing on Turpin Street?’
‘You are looking for the fish and chips shop; this doesn’t make any sense to me. Why would you fly into London and head for a fish and chips shop, but you could get fish and chips at the airport! What’s going on with you? Anyway, that shop is no longer there, they moved. They’ve gone to Park Lane, and I don’t mean West End Park Lane.’
‘Okay, okay, you sound like you’re going ballistic girl, calm down. You need to turn back down Turpin Street. At the end of Turpin, turn right into Mount Pleasant; just keep going down the road. Are you in a taxi?’.
‘What, you are actually walking, you are on foot, but people will recognise you. I see, well I certainly won’t question your acting ability. I still wish you would explain to me why you have flown all the way from LA to seek out an old fish and chips shop; though I have to admit that their fish and chips is scrumptious, it is something to die for.’
‘Are you into Mount Pleasant yet? Okay, well Park Lane is further down; it’s about the fourth or fifth on the right. Babes, do slow down a bit, you are breathing quite heavily. What did you just say?
You just said ‘I can smell the fish and chips’.
Who Is The Daddy?
‘Oh boy, you are a joke, how can you smell the fish and chips from so far away. You’ve got extra sensitive sense of smell for fish and chips. It actually sounds like you are drooling, get a hold of yourself girl. You remind me of Pavlov’s dogs'.
'Oh stop it; I am not calling you a dog. I’m saying that though I can’t see you, I can hear that you are drooling, like Pavlov’s dogs. It’s a psychological theory, part of my degree studies. The dogs were drooling for the food, they call the food the stimulus, and the response is salivation (drooling). Your stimulus is the fish and chips and the response is you slobbering running towards the shop. You do know that they still put the food in the newspaper, with lashings of salt and vinegar, the old English way. You can have mushy peas as well’.
‘Oh I see, you do know, and did you just say something about ‘that is what I’m craving for’.
‘Well, well, I am slow on the uptake, but the penny has suddenly dropped. It is all becoming very clear to me. Let me summarise; my superstar friend has a craving for old style English fish and chips. This craving for English salt is very strong, I would say that you can’t help yourself, you feel driven; it sounds to me that it is related to your hormones. Now why would you have such a strong food craving, to fly all the way from LA to London for old English style fish and chips, served in newspaper? Girlfriend, you have a 'bun in the oven', you are pregnant! Come on tell me, which superstar are you pregnant for – Who is the Daddy? Who is the Daddy?’
Author: Morel Benard