ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Enjoy Your Local Newspaper

Updated on May 14, 2016
A gorilla and his NYTimes. by rlz
A gorilla and his NYTimes. by rlz

Sure, we’ve all heard about how our digital world is facing the end of print. The fact that you’re reading this online proves local rags have had it, right? Wrong! There are still lots of great ways to enjoy your local screed, and I’m here to tell you all about them. You just need your latest local paper, and the proper attitude, my friend.

To make sure you are getting the most enjoyment out of your morning read, turn first to the obituaries. If your name’s not there, you’re off to a great start! Now you can really begin taking pleasure in the rest of your day!

Once you’re done with the obits (and have made note of all the high school classmates you’ll have to send condolence cards for), flip over to the police blotter. There you can enjoy all the tales of woe, mendacity, larceny and knuckle-headedness of all your near and not-so-near neighbors. You’ll soon understand that the grass ain’t always greener on the other side of the fence; sometimes it’s browner, crab-grassier, and torched-by-an-exploding-meth-lab-ier.

Scan the society and gardening and other such ‘human interest’ pages and check out all the photos. Be thankful that’s not you sporting that dippy golf beret and a drunken grin while you grope a cheerleader, or showing off your prize-winning crown vetch while wearing cartoon-character work gloves, or holding that Labradoodle up by its ears! See — aren’t exhibitionism and those 15 minutes of fame overrated?

Next, go to the comics pages for your only glimpses of truth, sanity, reality and perspective. (Who knows? You might not even weep over those comics dealing with politics, the economy, taxes, marital discord, social rancor, world affairs or war.)

Go to the travel section and peruse the glowing descriptions of foreign intineraries carefully. Remember: gondola rides = chance of drowning; cruise = chance of overeating, THEN drowning; unique cuisine = ptomaine; rustic splendor = peeing down a hole in the ground; vibrant music = annoying bouzouki. (No, that’s ‘bouzouki’, a Greek stringed instrument, NOT ‘bazooka’; bazookas are ALWAYS annoying.) Now, aren’t you glad you’re not one of those suckers blowing all their money overseas on so-called ‘fun’?

Move on to the business section, and scan those columns of stock data. See if you can be the one to find ‘666’, the mark of the beast, hidden among the daily figures for Wall Street money management firms. Trust me — the mark is there, and at last we’ll know who to blame!

Once you’ve gotten to the breaking news and editorial pages, it’s time to leave YOUR mark. As your brain starts to overheat reading about this politician or that government program, scribble all your oh-so-apt comments all over the paper’s margins and headlines with a bold hand! (Don’t forget the four-letter words and all their variations.) It’s therapeutic to give vent to all your opinions, no matter how questionable others may find them. (After all, why do you think I write so many articles?)

Now it’s time to cut up all the different headlines and bold ad slogans and store away the various words and letters. You’ll need them to make up those threatening messages to send to the boss who fired you last week. (Didn’t get fired last week? Oh, excuse me. I had you confused with one of those other 15 million people out there.)

Finally, to cap off your enjoyment, cut the remaining pages into roughly square or rectangular blocks somewhat smaller than notebook paper, and set them aside for later use. You’ll find that they come in handy for lots of household purposes, like a) lining the parakeet cage, b) stuffing inside that drafty section of family room wall as extra insulation, c) blotting up the garage floor after you tried saving money by changing your own oil, d) filling envelopes for charities you’re not particularly fond of, e) wrapping fish scraps when dinner’s done, and, of course, f) for when the Charmin runs out.

Now get out your mobile device and head to rickzworld.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      rickzimmerman 

      6 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      (Well, you can also read more of my stuff, too . . . . .)

    • GlstngRosePetals profile image

      GlstngRosePetals 

      6 years ago from Wouldn't You Like To Know

      The truth is finaly out thank you so much! go to the comics pages for your only glimpses of truth, sanity, reality and perspective! Awsome Voted up !!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)