What I've Discovered in My Forties: An Epiphany

Most of my poems come to me as epiphanies; thoughts that I have to ponder, thoughts that I want to reveal and write about. Poetry has become that venue of writing for me to do this. My thoughts are sometimes hard to explain in words, but I have found a beautiful lyrical way with poetry.

This poem is actually my thoughts that have passed through my mind on and off since I have skipped into my forties. It’s been both hard and easy to be forty something. It’s been quite a weird and wonderful thing all at the same time.

Being 43 now, I have had such ups and downs. When I turned 40, I was extremely depressed. I had been single for like four years at least, with no prospects, then another year passed and the same; I was still struggling along raising my kids and trying to keep their lives and mine in balance. Another year passed and another, as before, I looked back and realized I was maybe in the identical place in life; single and keeping heads above water, trudging on through life, but I also realized that I had really appreciated the woman I had become.

I’m lonely, of course, in a lot of ways, but in a lot of other ways I am not. I have my children who are growing up to be smart and beautiful, I can say I have done a terrific job all by myself. I have met and made so many friends from around the world that has sincerely taken the time to tell me how special I am, and I appreciate that so much.

The truth is, I think I have always searched for myself, never truly finding a complete me, but now, at this age; I feel myself; I feel who I am; I know who I am. Most importantly, I really like who I am. I’m thankful for the place I dwell in now.

This poem is about wanting to have this time in my life stand still, finally knowing who I am; I don’t want to rush forward. I would just like to take my time and reflect on everything life is for me right now. This was my inspiration; my epiphany.

There will be an extra poem connected to mine in this hub. My good friend Kai, from Amsterdam, has since taken an interest in writing his thoughts. I actually think I can be credited a little with his new vision. I hope I had a little part in it anyway. He doesn’t think his writing is poetry, but I tend to disagree. I think it is, I think it’s wonderful. So, I wanted to introduce his talent here, where I knew that he would be welcomed with open eyes and truthful thoughts.

I would like to encourage anyone, if you have thoughts that you want and need to express, write them down, you never know what it will do for your soul. And, who knows, you might just find out you are a poet and didn’t know it!

If I could just pause time

and remain where I’m at

today…

see, it’s not that I don’t

like my age, I’m really

pleased I’m 43.

I like the wisdom that I’ve

acquired, and the little fine

lines around my eyes.

The start of those

light-colored brown

spots stamped on my

hands, don’t really bother

me at this extent.

After all, they could still

be confused for a pretty

little beauty mark or a

cute freckle or two.

I quite like it here in this

perfect place of not too

young, and not so old;

the middle is the best

you know…

A flawless mix of class

and vibrancy. A younger

woman’s heart beating in

an older woman’s soul,

when you think about it that

way, it’s like I have discovered

a lot of gold.

Nevertheless, I must go on

and gather more things in

order to craft within myself

an antique masterpiece.

The 40s are so weird;

they can make you very

happy, then again, carry

a vast of dark future

impressions.

Pleased with this place of

balance, but feared because

It’s just a stop on the way to

his palace.

I wonder, when I leave

this age, what then?

The 50s of white, the

60s of gray, will the

70s and 80s be my

blackest days?

Will I even make it to

that stage? We all know

our days are not promised.

I bet it comes clearer when

our 40s are over.

I imagine myself looking

through the mirror, when

I’m all tired and full of

wrinkles.

My spirit of youth finally

gone and wondering how

much longer I will have to

hold on.

I cry when I see my

reflection staring back,

knowing my age is not

why I weep, Instead it’s

all those precious

memories I keep.

The people I’ve already

lost through the years will

be accompanied by others

that I will miss so dear.

This is my endearment of life

that I have seen, the survival

of years that now seem pristine.

Time, please take it slow

and let me live here if just

a little while longer.

I promise I won’t tarry, and

I’ll leave when I outta.

I want to grasp this time

during my life halfway down

the finish line.

As there will be no other

decade that I can cherish

for this sweet and complete,

perfection will eventually

perish.

© 2015 Kai Baldewsingh

The many guns that

have been fired that

stray shots around

our existence, residue

that has stained our

very uniqueness.

The smell which makes

you think back, the smell

that makes you feel sick

to your stomach, those

endless flashbacks of

moments that you have

done and what you

could’ve done.

All those timeless moments

that we should eradicate

from our existence.

Blood-red stains covered

all over our fresh white soul,

changing us in time.

How many tears have we

shed? And was it all worth it?

Where is our white fresh soul

at? It’s nowhere to be found.

As our innocence has gotten

Stained by this world.

Your soul has turned dark.

Not by experience…but

Simply by time itself.

As our body rots with age,

Our soul withers just as

equally, even though this

Body is just a cage.

However, we shouldn’t lose

heart. At this point, we’re

all better than that, everyone

was born with a much greater

purpose than just that.

Life is a residue that stains our

Mind and soul, but our heart

survives it all, and will exist to

do so much more.