Extremely Funny Ice

I'm not generally a lazy person but needed some ice quicker than I could freeze my own cubes so I ventured out to our local superstore to buy a pack

For no reason, other than sheer devilment I decided to wind up the server in my local store whilst buying this bag of ice because it seemed a good idea at the time.

Not surprisingly there isn't just one type of ice cube available, there is in fact a choice of sizes and type. I didn't pay too much attention as to what I was about to buy as ultimately it was simply frozen water in cubes.

i had been in the line at the checkout for a few minutes and struggled to find different ways of holding a bag of ice without suffering from freezer burn. When I finally reached the checkout I asked the person if he could tell me the total water content of this ice.

“Good question ” he replied, “I've never really thought about it, but it will be on here somewhere ”

He began to fumble about the bag for the nutrition information, and eventually with a rather puzzled look on his face he made a comment about it being very unusual for this type of product information not being clearly printed.

He even sincerely assured me that it is a legal requirement that all foodstuffs should clearly state the calories, fiber, fat, sat fat, sugar and salt ... but could not understand why the water content was not clearly displayed on this bag of ice cubes, not even cleverly described as 'aqua'.

What was about to happen put me in a whole new world of customer service.

I didn't realize that he had pressed his panic button, or enquiry desk button, but suddenly a voice came over the speaker; “can I help”

Counter staff - “yes, customer querying the water content of packed ice”

Help desk - “which brand?”

Counter staff - “our own brand”

Help desk - “what size bag?”

Counter staff - “one kilo”

Help desk - “stand by”

The silence is now deadly, other people in the line are beginning to shuffle and get inpatient. We waited, and waited. Eventually I decided to leave it as it wasn't funny any more and I might be lynched by the others behind me.

Just as I was about to leave, a young man arrived with a biggest badge I have ever seen, “I'm William and here to help”. - Perhaps if his name was Bill, he would have got a smaller badge.

The checkout guy posed the question to William, the helper, and he too scoured the entire ice bag for the water content and like someone from the secret service, he plunged his index finger into his left ear and used his radio to summon up assistance.

A couple of minutes later after lots of input from many people, someone came back with the message .... " i can confirm that the water content of the product in question is indeed '100%'.

William could not be anymore proud, he had a very satisfied look on his face that he had finally solved the problem of the water content in ice.

Even the ever-growing line of people behind me were making sounds or showing total relief. However, as the atmosphere was getting friendlier, I thought it would be a shame to let William go too early, so I engaged further with him and told him that it pleased me to know that the quality of the ice is 100% water. He smiled like the proud father of a child who had won an award.

I then asked if he would once again contact the manager and ask if they do an economy version of this ice with less than 100% water content, perhaps a diluted option?

William was truly sympathetic to my financial circumstances and advised me that their 'Basics' range is simply frozen tap water but their 'Best' range is mineral water from the Scottish mountains, trickled down from a million year old glazier no less. Very interesting...but.

I queried William about the freshness of this million year old glazier water and indeed the 'sell by date' as the water was so old it concerned me what all the fish and other creatures had being doing in that water for all those millions of years, peeing and mating in my water wasn't acceptable and I was paying more for the pleasure

He shared my concern and outlined the store's 'guarantee of satisfaction', a full refund if I wasn't happy but also felt that nothing harmful would survive in ice that cold and it was indeed filtered.

To further this he added that their 'best' brand was on offer 'Buy one, get one free'. As he was an extremely helpful and supportive person, I asked him if I could just take the second one as it is free. I also pointed out that it would save a lot of energy by not scanning the bar code, starting the conveyor belt, and using the cash register.

As much as he was in agreement with my eco mindset he did say that money needs to change hands, however, if I go immediately to 'Customer Services' with the receipt and ask for a refund, I get to keep the second pack of ice as it is 'FREE' whereas if the offer was 'two for the price of one', I would have to return both for a refund.

Because I was beginning to feel insecure in that hostilities were returning, I decided to make a retreat and test William's theory. He even escorted me to the customer service desk and explained the legality to Tracy who happily gave me my money back and allowed me to keep a pack of ice.

I never knew ice could be so funny!

Something I feel I need to point out, when I was hugging the bag of ice I noticed some illustrations on the bag,

A picture of a generic ish laying on some ice cubes and another illustration representing a glass of liquid with two ice cubes inside.

The text underneath these illustrations was very clear in it' intentions .."SERVING SUGGESTION ONLY"

It is helpful to know what ice can be used for and have to admit that it did inspire me to think of other illustrations that they should put on the back.

It's OK putting a picture of a glass of water or gin with ice in it, but what about putting champagne or beer on ice?

Perhaps a person with a bump on his head, holding an ice pack for first aid?

Putting ice cubes around the base of plants apparently allows for slow release watering in hot weather and prevents water evaporating too quickly,

Why end there?