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Updated on August 28, 2014

I woke up about four in the morning from about of sickness. I decided that I wasn't going to go back to sleep. That I miles well get ready for school and leave before Danila and Tom see me. I left my place about six thirty and messaged Tom to say that he had to get a ride with Danila. I stopped by the local news agency and grabbed myself a couple of magazines and before I started making my way to school I brought a large coffee.

At school, I waited in my truck for the bell to ring. I made out that I was writing so no one would disturb me. And no one did. Though I did get a message from Tom.

Where are you. I didn't see you at home. Are you ok? Tom texted

I am fine. I went to New York to see my agent last night. I see you Maths. I sent back.

Okay. :-).

With that and the bell rang I left for class. And as soon as Tom saw me, I saw the wide smile on his face. It was killing me that I couldn't tell Tom that I had cancer. But I made the decision to just act strong and pretend that nothing was wrong. I knew I could pull it off, but for how long. I wasn't sure.

'What time did you get back?' Tom asked me.

'About seven this morning.'

The teacher came in shortly after and I noticed that he didn't look so good. He looked terrible, worse then me even. He gave us couple of pages to do, and then the class was silence.

'I have to leave at eleven-thirty, so do you mind if you get a ride home with Danila?' I asked.

'Sure. Where are you going?'

'I have to fill in for a lady modeling.'

The rest of the class was a blur. Now I had biology and I knew I had to say the same story to Danila. I just hoped that he buys it too. I arrived before Danila, which was the first time this semester. I wondered what took him so long. But when he saw me, I could tell that he was happy. But there was also a question in his eyes.

'I went to New York last night and didn't get back till this morning. But can you take Tom home again. I have to leave at eleven-thirty. '

'Sure. Can I ask what you're doing? ' Danila asked unsure.

'I am filling in for someone at the agency. '

Danila seemed to have brought it. I just hoped that he did. Because all of what I was doing was hard work. Especially since I was trying to convince two people. It would have been easier if it was just one the I had to convince. But of course life for me wasn't that easy.

I think I feel asleep, because I felt a slight touch on my arm followed by Danila's voice. It was so soothing and it made my soul do flips. I didn't wake up straight away, but when I sat up and looked at Danila, I could see that worry in his eyes. And I didn't want him to keep worrying about me. I didn't want Tom to worry about me either.

'How long have I been asleep for?'

'About thirty minutes, ' Danila smiled. 'I'll never get tired of seeing you sleep,'

It made me feel happy squirming feeling inside my stomach. I welcomed it, but I still couldn't find the strength to take him back. I couldn't give him false hope. I would rather kill myself, rather than wait for me to die.
It made me look down. I was suddenly self conscience. And I had never been like that with Danila. He was the only one that I could be free around. But what I was dealing with, it had made me close up a bit.

'What's the time?' I asked.

'It's about eleven twenty,'

'Crap, I have to go,' I quickly stood up and it made me dizzy and I swayed. Danila saw it and put his hand on my arm.

'You should get something to eat,'

' I'll get something on the road,' I pulled my hand away.

And it made Danila frown. But I couldn't say sorry. I wanted to distant myself from him. Because I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I have. I know that it was probably hurting him anyway. But I gathered that it was better then him seeing me get sicker and sicker until one day I just die. I think that would be meaner. And if he hated me for it later when he finds out, I think I could deal with that.
I hoped up again and made my way to my truck. I could see Tom and Danila looking from the tree we always hung out. And just before I drove off, I saw Zoe walk up to them. She started saying something, but I saw both of the guys cross their hands over their chest. Zoe didn't like it, and again she pouted and walked off.
That's when a thought came to me. I wanted Danila be with Zoe. I knew it was going to kill me to see those two together. But I saw it as I was going to die anyway. And I didn't want Danila to be lonely and grieving for me. I didn't want Tom to be lonely either, but I knew Tom would never be with Zoe again. And Zoe had her eyes set on Danila. I knew Danila hated Zoe right now, but if I requested it I hoped that he would do it.

* * *

The whole procedure took four hours. Then I had to stay another hour to make sure I was fine. And so far it hadn't made me sick. But I was wary for when I was going to be sick. I went straight home and laid down because I felt exhausted and needed to sleep. It felt like I slept for two hours when I heard a knock on the door. I was going to ignore it. But I decided that I would see Tom. That it was going to be the last time I saw him. I decided that I was going to take off.
I told him to come in and I raced to the bathroom to make sure I was alright. That I didn't have any bags. Which I didn't. But I threw water over my face and took a sip of water. I quickly brushed my hair, then slowly made my way out. I couldn't help limping, but I tried to make it look obvious.
I stopped when I realized Tom wasn't alone. That Danila was with him. I should have known. I walked over to my bed and sat down. I couldn't stand up any longer.

'How come your limping? ' Tom asked.

'I twisted my leg. So what's up?'

'How'd you go?' Tom asked

'Except for twisting me leg. It was great. . . So I saw Zoe walk up to ya's,' I changed the subject.

'Yeah, she wanted to know about you. We said nothing,' Tom said.

It was then that I realized that Danila hadn't said anything. That he was just looking at me. It was like he wasn't sure if hd should be here. So Tom must have made him come. And with that thought I wanted to smile. Because he was trying to get us back together. He had been trying for the last six months. But because I was staying with my parents I couldn't. But now there is another obstacle. An obstacle that I had a feeling that I might not come back from.
Because I decided that I was going to take off tomorrow. I decided just now that I wanted a last goodbye from Danila alone.

'Can I talk to you alone?' I asked Danila.

'I know when I'm not wanted,' Tom smiled.

He had such a dirty mind. But instead I just smiled and he left. I then slowly got up of the bed and made my way to where Danila was. He was watching me, and didn't take his eyes off me. I didn't stop or speak until I was standing inches in front of him.

'I want to tell you that. ' I swallowed. ' That I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused you. That if I could take it away, I would but I can't.' I looked down.

'You talking to me is enough. I know you had no choice,' he lifted my face.

'I love you, I always will. Until I die,' my eyes began to water.

Because it was the truth. I wouldn't love another. And saying until I die, I think it wasn't long. I just hoped that my death wouldn't ruin Danila too much. Because he was too young for my death to ruin him. He had the rest of his life to live.
I don't think Danila knew what I was saying. Because instead of saying anything, he grabbed a bunch of my hair and pulled my face to his. He looked into my before he crushed his lips to mine. I know I should have pulled away. But shen his lips touched mine, I couldn't help but kiss him back. The kiss was immediately wild and intense. And after a short time I moaned. Danila thought it was because of the kiss. But it was mostly because of my hip. I could barely stand up on it now. But when Danila heard my moan, he wrapped my legs around his waist. And while we continued to kiss, Danila made his way to the bed. Where he gently laid me then laid on top of me.
It wasn't long till we had all our clothes off. And Danila traced kisses down my neck and moved his hands on my body. I missed how Danila made me feel. And right now I didn't feel sick. I knew I should stop, but I needed this for our last good bye.
'I love you so much,' he whispered in my ear. ' Your the only one for me. Until I die.'
I wanted to tell him that he needed to let me go. But right now he was mine.

I woke up hours later. I feeling whole again, yet I was feeling shattered. Because I made myself have the most amazing sex with the guy I love, and now I was going to leave him. A part of me wanted to stay here and be with Danila. And it was a huge part. But I had to go, so thd small part of me quietly hoped out of bed and walked over to my desk. I quietly wrote three letters.

Dearest Danila,
I am writing you this letter because I couldn't say goodbye face to face. It is killing me just to write It on paper. . . You have to know that I never lied when I said I love you until I die. And that is the ugly truth. I am Dying. I have cancer in my hip. And I have to leave because I can't stand to watch you, watch me die. I want to save you the heart ache of That.
I thought it is better that you could hate me. Rather then watch me die. Rather then to see you in pain. I had caused you enough.

Please Danila I need you to let me go. You are young, and I know there will be others that will love you as much as I love you. You can have a family. A family that I wanted to give you, but I was robbed from.

I will always love you. You had been my life.
♡ Amanda. Your forever love.

I quickly wrote a letter for Tom and Zoe. Then just before I hoped up Danila stirred.

'What are you doing? Come back to bed.'

'I had some ideas for my book. Go back to sleep and I'll be back in soon.'

Danila feel back asleep almost instantly. I got dressed then grabbed my bag and phone. I gently placed his letter on the pillow beside him and left. Instantly the tears formed in my eyes and I angrily wiped them away. I made my way in the big house where I knew the house keeper would be up. And I asked her if she could give Tom the letter. And ask Tom to give Zoe hers.

And then I left.


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