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Updated on June 23, 2011


Need a good laugh? Who doesn't. Here are 25 quotes from some of the funniest and wittiest minds of our (and past) times.


So Sayeth...

1. "My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him."JACK HANDY

2."How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."EMO PHILLIPS

3. "People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine."DAVID LETTERMAN

4."All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911."LEWIS BLACK

5."Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."GEORGE CARLIN

6."A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice." BILL COSBY

7."If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."JAY LENO

8."Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me."BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT

9."When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, 'Give me a table near a waiter.'" HENNY YOUNGMAN

10."In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."ELLEN DeGENERES

11."I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage."ERMA BOMBECK

12."I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." A. WHITNEY BROWN

13."Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn't own a car." CARRIE SNOW

14."I believe sex is a beautiful thing between two people. With five, it's fantastic." WOODY ALLEN

15."Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." GEORGE CARLIN

16.""There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid!"DENNIS LEARY

17."If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?" JOHN CLEESE

18."To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." OSCAR WILDE

19."Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."GRACIE ALLEN

20."You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'." HOMER SIMPSON

21."I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom."BOB HOPE

22. "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house." ZSA ZSA GABOR

23."I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."WILL SHRINER

24. "The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity."VOLTAIRE

25."Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."GEORGE W. BUSH


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    • profile image

      Aleco songz 5 years ago

      so funny good guy thankx

    • Farmer Ted profile image

      Farmer Ted 6 years ago from US

      Random, glad you enjoyed them.

    • RandomThoughts... profile image

      RandomThoughts... 6 years ago from Washington

      Thanks Farmer Ted, Always good to start the day with laughing at the world instead of carrying it! Funny- loved them all. Carry Snow has my vote though...

    • Farmer Ted profile image

      Farmer Ted 6 years ago from US

      Wendi, glad you think so. Shame I can't take credit for any of the humor.

    • Wendi M profile image

      Wendi M 6 years ago from New Hampshire

      Very funny!

    • Farmer Ted profile image

      Farmer Ted 6 years ago from US

      Glad you liked it, Ben. Thanks for commenting!

    • Ben Graves profile image

      Ben Graves 6 years ago from Chicago, IL

      I really like George Carlin's one about war. Nice little collection. And I like how you added a quote from Bush at the end.

    • Farmer Ted profile image

      Farmer Ted 6 years ago from US

      Ya know, I did it just so people could take a quick break and have a chuckle or two. Glad you liked it, alocsin.

    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 6 years ago from Orange County, CA

      Thank you for this funny break. Voting this Up and Funny.