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Failbag With a Vengeance

Updated on September 7, 2015

#FreeTheAscension

It’s time! It’s time! It’s Failbag time! That’s right, after a few months off, the column where I answer questions that may be real or may have been made up by yours truly is back. So let’s not waste time. Let’s dive into some totally legit, totally not made up questions. Dammit, you can all see through this facade huh?

WHERE IS THAT DAMN PINBALL MACHINE PICTURE, YOU CM PUNK BOBO?!

-T.O., Tony Romo’s Basement


Just for that, I’m not going to show you the picture! How about them apples you Mariners fan you? I kid I kid. Here’s your pic. Don’t say I don’t come through in a pinch, unlike that guy who once fumbled a field goal snap that would’ve won a playoff game. Who was that guy?

Behold...WWE pinball
Behold...WWE pinball

What celebrity would be able to survive a horror movie? Played under Scream rules, of course.

-Daniel, The Next Room


For those of you who don’t remember, are too young or think the Saw films are cinematic feats of genius, Scream was a horror/comedy franchise from the 90s where a dude dressed in ghost face costumed killed teenagers and was inhabited with great performers like Skeet Ulrich, Matthew Lillard and Scott Foley (spoiler; I’m being sarcastic. Except towards Lillard. He was gold). Aside being funny, disappointing my buddy Pen and being tarnished by MTV years later, Scream taught us how one can survive a horror movie if one somehow found themselves in a horror movie. The rules, as stated by nerd Hall of Famer Randy Meeks, are as follows.


1) You can never have sex


2) You can never drink or do drugs


3) Never under any circumstance utter the phrase “I’ll be right back.” Cause you won’t be.


Simple criteria. So who from the ranks of celebrity would survive a real horror movie? Easy; former NFL Quarterback and pro God activist Tim Tebow (Timmy T!). He’s admitted to waiting until marriage to have sex, the chances of him doing drugs are slimmer than Michael Fassbender in Hunger, and let’s be real, he’s never said he would be right back, otherwise he wouldn’t be cut from all these teams! So yes, if stuck in a horror movie, Tim Tebow would prevail, and probably impale the killer with a cross. Other candidates include Son of Havoc (he’s straight edge), CM Punk (would’ve made it if he didn’t enjoy having sex with AJ Lee so much), every former member of Minor Threat and James Franco. Just because it’s James Franco.


Why does Arsenal hate me so much?

-Mazza, Somewhere in England


The real question is why do you hate your team so much, isn’t it? Cheer up Arsenal fans. All you need to do is hope Wenger is fired, every top team in the Premier League is infected with the psychotropic drug from episode seven of Dollhouse and demand the return of those awesome Sega uniforms. The tide will turn around immediately. Also remember, it could be a whole lot worse. Like, you could be relegated, going nowhere, and on the verge of losing your best player in the next transfer window. Excuse me while I go cry into my Charlie Austin jersey.


If the rumors are true and Baron Corbin's revealed as the newest Shield member, is it yet another example of WWE not knowing their fan base?

-Skitz, LOP


I mean…yes. I was going for a more creative answer, but yes is pretty much the only way to go. By the way, can I say how much I want this to happen? Not because I wish bad on WWE or Corbin (who I actually liked when I still watched), but because him and Roman Reigns in the same ring together might lead to the universe imploding. Who is Vince going to furiously masturbate over more?! WHO I ASK YOU, WHO?!


Two part question your Cultness. First, which one of John Cena’s opponents from the past five to six years should’ve gone over him? And secondly, who’s next to join the list?

-Pen, Canada


A Pink Floyd: The Wall question (because it’s a two parter. Get it?). To answer the first part, there’s no doubt its Bray Wyatt. If you look back over the past few years of Cena feuds where he won when he probably should’ve lost, you can find some form of argument as to why it was an okay decision. Umaga was a solid talent, but with that gimmick could only go so far. Rusev wasn’t a main eventer to begin with when he feuded with Cena. And Kevin Owens hasn’t even been on the main roster for a year, making it too early to judge. Bray meanwhile has never recovered from losing to Cena, at least from what I last saw of him. Combine that with the enormous potential that he has, and there’s no question he was the guy who should’ve gone over. Hey, at least he had that Dean Ambrose feud afterwards that went nowhere (and yes, to all those about to bitch and moan, I did watch that feud. And it sucked. Get over yourselves).

Sad Bray is sad
Sad Bray is sad

As for the second part, this is also a no brainer. It’s Finn Balor! Who else could it be? The dude fits all the check points of someone that Cena will end up going over at the end of a three month program. He’s adored by the smart fans (even if I’m not exactly sure why). He’s vastly different from Cena’s “Hustle, Loyalty and Respect” product placement mumbo jumbo. And most importantly, he’s an NXT star who everyone is high on, which usually means a feud with Cena before returning to the midcard. It all makes sense now! I’ll bet my Sega Dreamcast that Balor will be tangling with Cena by at least May of 2016, which will see him win the first match, the internet get really excited, only for Cena to win the next two to leave everyone wondering how WWE could do this to them. I’m bored already just thinking about it.


What is Alison Brie least looking forward to; being married to Dave Franco, or being the sister-in-law of James Franco?

-The Man From Another Place, Another Place


Is this a trick question? It’s clearly being James Franco’s sister-in-law. I don’t know a ton about the younger Franco, but he seems to be a nice dude and I must admit to enjoying him as the annoying boyfriend who gets removed from the picture in both 21 Jump Street and Warm Bodies (the latter film is great and you should watch it). James Franco though? The only time people want anything to do with him is when John Oliver is mocking him on Last Week Tonight, when colleges need to make more money or when the Comedy Central Roast of James Franco is on. If America is sick of him, I can’t imagine it’ll take long till America’s Future Sweetheart is too. And yes, Alison Brie is the future darling of America. You heard it here first, second and third.


Has Tyler Breeze mastered The Showoff gimmick better in two years than Dolph Ziggler did in seven?

-Tyler, Florida


I think the better question is has Mr. Breeze mastered the narcissist gimmick better than Lex Luger did. To which the answer is a resounding yes. Beyond looking kind of similar though, I don’t really see much of a comparison between Prince Pretty and Dolph. Then again, I haven’t seen Breeze wrestle in about a year, so what do I know.


If Roger Goodell had been in charge of the OJ case, how would it have gone?

-Tom, Boston


I see Goodell trying the OJ case going three ways. One, it goes the exact same way it did in real life, with everyone feeling OJ got off and the prosecution (Goodell) looking like a cross between Pigpen from Out Cold and the writers of the Resident Evil film series. Two, Goodell suspends OJ for two games (not realizing he’s been retired for years), then changes the suspension to an indefinite one after seeing the White Bronco chase (while also claiming he hadn’t seen the chase previously), leading to people feeling sorry for OJ and the ruling being thrown out on appeal. And finally, Goodell somehow winds up as the prosecutor, the judge AND the jury for the trial, leading to OJ somehow getting off anyway. The sad thing is that you sat here just now and believed that all three of those scenarios would’ve been possible.

Original La Parka or new La Parka? Choose…but choose wisely.

-Grail Knight, the Canyon of the Crescent Moon


Let’s see; I can go with the solid replacement guy who is more Roger Moore than Sean Connery. Or, I can go with the original dude who entertained me heavily as a kid in WCW, and just last night at a CMLL show stated "before they cut the microphone off...I just want to tell everyone to go fuck their mothers!". Case. Closed. How’d I do grail knight?

Will Jared Leto measure up as the new Joker or fall short of his predecessors?

-Skeegan, UCONN


Let the record show this from this day forth; I am ALL IN on Leto as the Joker. Hell, I’m all in on the DC Universe period. Yes, Marvel may be the big game in town, but they also haven’t made anything that’s absolutely essential (beyond Guardians of the Galaxy) and every film at this point is almost exactly the same; funny banter, evil foe interrupts banter, massive battle that leads to destruction and the heroes saving the day (funny how Marvel gets lauded for that, and yet Man of Steel was criticized for doing THE SAME THING. But I digress). Thus, I’m looking forward to DC delivering something a little more darker and ambitious, while also looking forward to what Leto does. Will it be Heath Ledger good? I don’t know. But the dude can act, his appearance in the Suicide Squad trailer (GREAT trailer btw) was solid and he’s gone on record as comparing the character to Shakespeare. That can only be good right? I don’t care if this ends up being a disaster the likes Mordecai (the movie AND the wrestler), I’m sold.


Can they add a road course to the NASCAR chase already? I haven’t seen this much of a travesty since McDreamy was killed off of Grey’s Anatomy!

-Mom, Next Room Over


First off, yes this is actually a question my other asked me (well the first part was. The second half about Grey’s Anatomy might’ve been tampered with). Let’s kill that discussion off right now. Secondly, NASCAR totally should add a road course to the Chase. If they want to drive up interest in their sport while also putting the most challenges in front of their top drivers as possible, a road course would be the perfect type of track to do so. Of course, this is the same organization that makes everything seem like a conspiracy, is fixated with the most boring man in sports history (Jimmie Johnson) and hasn’t created any notable competitive parity in their sport since before I was born. Looking at those facts, I’m guessing we’ll see a remake of Scarface before we see a road course added to the Chase. That’s not a joke either; Leonardo DiCaprio is supposedly going to play Tony Montana. Because hey, when you can get the whitest guy alive to play a Cuban immigrant turned drug lord, you have to do it.


Had CM Punk worked a WrestleMania main event by 2014, would he still be with the company?

-Colt, Chicago


First off, shouldn’t you be aware of this answer already Colt? I mean, unless this is Colt Iken writing me…yup, it’s definitely him, never mind. To me, the only way CM Punk stays with WWE is if he main evented Wrestlemania 29, either against Cena and Rock in a triple threat match or against The Undertaker in a streak vs. streak match (500 plus days as WWE Champ vs. 20-0 at Mania). Once that didn’t happen, the writing was on the wall, as I don’t think he was ever being considered for the Mania 30 closer. By the way, I’ve yet to hear a good reason as to why Punk-Taker, title vs. streak, wasn’t the closer for Mania 29. You’re going to tell me a 500 plus day title reign against the most famous streak in wrestling wouldn’t have drawn? That it wouldn’t have been more interesting than the Rock-Cena II build? Hell, imagine if Punk had beaten Taker; not only would it have made him one of the top stars ever, but the rub of whoever beat him (which probably would’ve been Daniel Bryan) would’ve made that guy. IT MADE SO MUCH SENSE! I still don’t get why WWE didn’t do that. And once it didn’t happen, I think it pretty much made it clear Punk wasn’t long for Vince’s world.


Stop being a chicken shit and write about the Cubs already. Gosh!

-Eric, Rhode Island


Full disclosure for those who don’t know; I am the biggest Cubs fan you’ll find in the entire state of Rhode Island. They are the team I care the most about in any sport, and that includes any of the Canadian teams in the NHL (note; a Hartford Whalers return would put them tied with the Cubs in term of importance. Thought you’d like to know). And yet, despite the fact that they’re now 77-57 this season (their best record in years) and feature the best young core of players in baseball, I’ve refrained from commenting. Partially because I don’t want to jinx them and partially because the last time the Cubs won the World Series, the Titanic was only a glimmer in J. Bruce Ismay’s eye. Pretty much, talking about the Cubs for me is like watching Fight Club; a queasy, nerve racking experience that makes me want to turn it off midway through.

As I’m here now answering fan mail on the subject, I’ll give my thoughts. How am I feeling about the Cubs right now? Like I just got asked out on a date by Sexy Star. I wish the bullpen for the team was a tad bit better, and if I had to go with my gut feeling, I still think the team is a year away from a true World Series contender. And yet, Kris Bryant looks like the phenom everyone thought he is. Addison Russell and Kyle Schwarber are legit. Anthony Rizzo is the most underrated first basemen in baseball. Jake Arrieta is the best pitcher in baseball (you heard me). Hell, things are so good, Javier Baez, the Lord of the Strikeout, is playing well right now! I’m not saying this is the year, but all things considered, the future is brighter than the sun from Sunshine right now. I’m not even going to make a dark, sarcastic joke about things falling apart, that’s how good things are.


Name me three lower tier wrestlers in LU who will break out during Season 2 and explain why.

-Keegan, Hartford


1) Famous B. Did you see how awesome he looked in that battle royal for the final Medallion? I haven’t been that pleasantly surprised since Rise of the Planet of the Apes. If anyone has Son of Havoc potential for season two, it’s him.


2) Killshot. Didn’t get as much of an opportunity as his buddies Big Ryck and Big Willie did, but I like what I’ve seen from the LU’s Deadshot enthusiast. Could you imagine him and Deer Antlers teaming up to form the ultimate hunter duo? How soon can we let Chris DeJoseph know?!


3) Marty the Moth. Because I love him dammit! Also because he kidnapped Sexy Star and is threatening to reveal his sister to the world. That generally means a big push. Damn, do I miss Lucha Underground? Can we get it back yet? #NetflixNeedsLucha dammit!


I have a belly button!

-T.O., Still Tony Romo’s Basement


…and we’re done with the yogurt. Till next time, FREE THE ASCENSION!

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