ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

I Don't Want to be a Celebrity!

Updated on July 8, 2009
From rubenysandralozano.net
From rubenysandralozano.net

An Unnerved Unpublished Author

"Oh no!" I stared in horror at the return address on the envelope. That would teach me to look forward to getting the mail.

"What?" My teen-age son, Bill, asked, turning down the sound of the TV. "Creditors? Terrorists? Anthrax?"

"No, this is worse." I sat down on the worn blue and beige couch and tossed the envelope on the coffee table.

"Bubonic plague?: Small pox?"

"No, I think it's a letter from the publisher accepting the book I submitted." I covered my face with my hands.

"I don't understand." Bill said.

I peeked out at him through my fingers. "I'm collecting rejection slips. I'm aiming for 500. This would have been 128. No, 129."

"Well, it could be another rejection."

"No." I reached for the envelope again, staring at the return address. "They always the rejection in my self-addressed stamped envelope. This envelope is from them."

"Don't you want to be published?" He stared at me. Not for the first time, I wondered where he got those thick dark lashes. Not from me.

"I thought I did. But I don't think I'm ready for this." My stomach was in knots.

"Ready for what? The fame? The fortune?"

"The fame would be okay, if I could get a hair stylist and a wardrobe consultant. Of course, I'd have to lose weight first." Or did I? After all, authors weren't like actors. "I'm just worried about all that travel."

He shook his head. "Travel?"

"Yeah. Book tours. Then it's be turned into a movie and I'd have to go to Hollywood to consult on the script - you know, make sure they don't screw it up too much."

"I could get a car!"

"See!" I heard my voice rise hysterically and tried to speak more calmly. "It's starting already and I don't even have my first royalty check. We're going to get selfish and motivated by materialism. I'll have an affair with one of the actors in my book and your father will find another woman. You children will turn to drugs and end up wrecking your Camero and taking cocaine."

Bill shook his head again. "That will never happen. There's no way any of us would drive a Camero."

I smacked him on the shoulder with the envelope. "You're not taking this seriously."

"Just open the envelope."

I slowly opened it up, took out the letter and read it.

"What? What does it say?" Bill asked.

I smiled. "It's just an advertisement for a writer's convention. I should have known they wouldn't send an acceptance letter by bulk rate."

"See, you don't have to worry about fame and fortune after all."

I decided right then and there to stop sending things out to be published. That brush with fame and fortune and the total desctruction of life as I knew it was just too close.

Writing Life, the Reality

Should I have worried about all that taking place?

Uh, no. Not at all.

The odds of having a book published, especially in this economical climate, are astronomical. Having it bought by "Hollywood". Even higher. Having it made into a movie? You have a better chance of - well, being struck by lightening twenty times.

Advice from Aunt Beth

Still, when writing is in your blood, you gotta write. But don't do it in a vacuum. Take classes, learn your craft. Get together with other writers, other writing groups. Read a lot. Learn to write query letters. Send things out to agents and publishers. Keep writing.

After all, the odds are there to be beaten.

Great slogan, eh? But trust me, don't use that phrase when you're gambling with real money. Your bank account doesn't like it.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • GPAGE profile image

      GPAGE 8 years ago from California

      HEY! Very funny hub........ ; GPAGE

    • maggs224 profile image

      maggs224 8 years ago from Sunny Spain

      This was so funny, and one day when all your books are on the best seller list, these folk that sent you those rejection slips will be kicking themselves for the missed opportunties, wishing they could go back in time.

    • Queen of the Lint profile image
      Author

      Queen of the Lint 8 years ago from The Laundry Room

      Teresa - can I send you something so your assistant can send it out for me? Maybe it will work for me, too.

      And I'm not sure if there's any hope, but you never know. I had one or two hand written rejection letters, it's nice when they take the time!

    • Jerilee Wei profile image

      Jerilee Wei 8 years ago from United States

      I'm especially fond of the hand written notes "This should be published, it's wonderful, please send us a copy when you find the right publisher (of course it isn't them). Used to be the notebooks of rejection letters laughed at me, now I laugh at them. Great hub!

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 8 years ago

      You know there's hope when you can be funny about rejection letters! :P

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 8 years ago from The Other Bangor

      I used to pin rejection letters around a window frame, then over the window. Then I moved. Then I did the rejection-letter dance instead: it's a pas-de-deux with a fist shake, followed by crumpling the letter and trying to throw it into the trash from across the room. Very satisfying. Now I just don't send stuff out anymore. Get this, though: last year I had an assistant for a while, and SHE would send my stuff out for me, and it would get published when SHE sent it out. Wonder how she did that?

    • Ivorwen profile image

      Ivorwen 8 years ago from Hither and Yonder

      This is the second time in less than a week that I have read of someone collecting rejection letters, with a goal in mind.

      The other gal got a book published with only 17 rejection letters... didn't say how long she has been writing or how many other things she has published, but she did say she was up to 36 rejection letters.

      All this talk of collecting is giving me courage to try something bigger!

    • westernangel profile image

      westernangel 8 years ago from Canada

      I sure enjoyed this hub. Good work. Could picture it all happening.

    • Queen of the Lint profile image
      Author

      Queen of the Lint 8 years ago from The Laundry Room

      Oh, right! How could I have missed that one?!

    • alekhouse profile image

      Nancy Hinchliff 8 years ago from Essex Junction, Vermont

      This is so cute. I love your sense of humor. Surprised at what you left out of the follow list of suggestions:

      "Take classes, learn your craft. Get together with other writers, other writing groups. Read a lot. Learn to write query letters. Send things out to agents and publishers. Keep writing, JOIN HUBPAGES!"

       

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)