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Fat Joe

Updated on October 26, 2012
PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

Justin W. Price, AKA PDXKaraokeGuy, is a freelance writer, blogger, and award-nominated author based out of Juneau, Alaska.

This story is under revision and may be published elsewhere soon. Enjoy this version!

Fat Joe

Joe Blaze was very fat. Some would say he was morbidly obese, some would say pleasantly plump. Some might compare him to Santa Claus. His wife, the beautiful Sofia Blaze, would often say he was a fat slob. Usually to his face.

He wasn't always fat. When they'd first married, in fact, Joe was quite handsome. Joe was a writer, a profession that, unless one is self motivated, could keep one from getting a proper amount of excercise. But, what really made Joe fat was that when he was depressed, he ate. Being married to Sofia often left him very depressed.

Sofia was very beaufitul. Many would say she was eye catching. She had long black hair (which today was up and held in place with chop sticks), eyes that were nearly black and legs that went on for miles. Like many beautiful women, she was also very mean and was very unkind to Joe. Joe often referred to her as 'bitch', but never to her face. On the day of their only daughters wedding-- which also turned out to be his last day on earth --Joe and Sofia predictably had an argument.

“Joe, you can't have it. Doctor Rubenstein said so. You have to watch your cholesterol,” she hissed at him. “Besides, have you looked in the mirror lately?

“Oh, I don't care what he says! It's my daughters wedding. For crisssakes, a man should be allowed to indulge himself on the day of his only daughters wedding!”

“Joe, I said no!” Joe was used to being told no. Sofia had his balls in a vice grip and she refused to decrease the pressure.

He looked around at the wedding he'd paid for with his twelve best selling novels and his professorship at Portland State University. Not only a professorship. He was Dean of the English Department. Still, this was not good enough for Sofia. She wanted more. She was insatiably greedy and materialistic. The flecklessly maniucured backyard was covered with pink tulips-- because his little girl loved her tulips-- that had cost him $5000. A 12 piece band that had cost him another $10,000 was singing “Americano” while his freeloading guests were swinging away. Eating fine cuts of tri tip steak. Drinking twenty year old bottles of $2000 champagne. Platefuls of $1000 a jar caviar. It was a damn fine wedding he'd paid for and if he wanted a piece of cake, he was going to have it. He didn't care what Sofia or Dr. Rubenstein had to say about it.

Joe stood up from the head table and pushed Sofia aside. He could feel the moist carrot cake on his tongue, he could taste the the sugarry frosting. He could feel his sticky lips. He salivated wildly as he pushed his way through the crowd, enraged that not only did he have to get the cake himself, but that he had to push his way through.

“This is my damn wedding. Get out of my way. Get out of my damn way!” He bellowed to anyone and everyone. His breathing was labored and his vision began to blur. The anticipation of the cake and the struggle to get it were taking it's toll.

“Joe, you sit your ass down at the table right now!” Sofia had caught up to him and grabbed the crook of his arm. He shook her away like a dog shaking off a flea and she would have fallen to the ground if Tommy George hadn't been there to catch her. In his periphery Joe thought he saw Tommy sneak a feel of Sofia's perfect breasts (those had cost $8,000) as he caught her but he couldn't be sure and, frankly, he didn't care. Not now. It was carrot cake he wanted. Tommy could be dealt with later.

“Get away from me, bitch!”

He began to sweat. The music had stopped and everyone that had been dancing and stuffing their faces was now watching Joe. “It's my cake! I paid for it and I'm going to have some!” he panted as he lumbered towards the table. He lost his balance and fell as he reached the cake. The table holding the cake toppled over and three layers of $1500 deliciousness smashed all over Joe's face and $4000 tuxedo. He began to shovel the cake into his mouth, licking it greedily off his fingers and face, making no attempt to get to his feet, forgetting to swallow before shoving in the next bite.

Twenty minutes later, when the paramedics prounounced him dead, he had a gullet full of cake and a smile on his face.




all rights reserved. copyright Justin W. Price June 2011.

PDXKaraokeGuy, also known as Justin W. Price, is the managing editor at efiction horror. Husband to andrea, father to two dogs. writer.poet.baseball fan. tattooed. He is am amateur theologian with a rabid sweet tooth.He resides in a suburb of Portland, Oregon.He has a poetry book available for Amazon Kindle, and also maintains a blog, FirstBlog. His work has been featured in the Crisis Chronicles, efiction Magazine, The Hellroaring Review, the Bellwether Review, eFiction Humor, and the Rusty Nail. Please visit his profile page for more information. Thanks!


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    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 4 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Thanks, Hecate. I'm working on revising this. If I don't submit it, I'll repost it here! Thanks for reading and sharing.

    • hecate-horus profile image

      hecate-horus 4 years ago from Rowland Woods

      Really liked this vivid tale. Voted up and shared.

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Deborah and Dew, thank you very much. I am happy that you were pleased :-)

    • Dewette profile image

      Dewette 5 years ago from NV

      I loved it :)

    • DeborahNeyens profile image

      Deborah Neyens 5 years ago from Iowa

      Another enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing.

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Sunnie, I think everyone is to blame. I'm glad you enjoyed the dark humor and the story itself. I had fun with this one! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!

    • profile image

      Sunnie Day 5 years ago

      This was truly a serious/sad story but touched with a small bit of an underlying humor...dark as it may be.. it is there and the way you wrote it was good... The story is great…While Joe cannot blame his obesity entirely on his so-called wife; she did contribute to his self-worth big time causing him to spiral downward. It reminds me of something from Dr. Phil.. When spouses constantly put down their spouses and the victim just cannot rise above the daily bullying. The description and emotion in this hub was fantastic... You did an awesome job!

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Thank you, Lyns, for saying so. i know I'm a good writer, let's just hope I can find an agent who does as well! Happy holidays to you and yours as well!

    • lyns profile image

      lyns 5 years ago from USA

      You are welcome, good to know I know your novels will be good, by your writings. Good your almost finished at school as well. Happy Holidays, lyns

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Lyns, thank you. i finish school in a week and a half and then I have a month off between terms. During that time I plan to finish one of my two novels as well as put together a manuscript for my poetry book and begin querying agents. I appreciate your support!

      Apryl, I'll take an ice cream or German chocolate please :-) Thanks for reading!

    • Apryl Schwarz profile image

      Apryl Schwarz 5 years ago from Nebraska

      Even with the tragic end, I want to go bake a cake now.... :)

    • lyns profile image

      lyns 5 years ago from USA

      Sad and yet funny, wish his wife would have been a little but more understanding to bad he had to die at the end of the story, very good short story, you are very talented in story writing, wish you would finish that novel as well, thanks for sharing this story lots of laugh and sadness voted up, awesome, useful. lyns Have a great day...

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Thank u miss olive. Glad I could evoke some laughter!

    • missolive profile image

      Marisa Hammond Olivares 5 years ago from Texas

      He found his peace in a piece of cake - too funny! I can't stop giggling!

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Cats- indeed. he did have his cake and ate it too. Sadly, I've witnessed plenty of women emasculate their men and spew nothing but venom at them. It makes me so sad and also very happy that my wife is so kind and supportive. Thanks for the compliments, comments and the read.

      @ Kelly- thanks for reading. I hope you get that cake!

    • KellyPittman profile image

      Kelly Pittman 5 years ago from Walker, LA

      Now I want cake! =)

    • Lucky Cats profile image

      Kathy 5 years ago from The beautiful Napa Valley, California

      Well, I guess Joe 'had his cake and ate it, too.'

      What a thought provoking and interesting tale, PDXKarokeGuy! You are a very very good writer and this certainly held my atttention! How many can relate to Joe's desire for the forbidden fruit as well as the hateful words of his unloving wife? The poor man gave his all while all he received from his disrespectful wife was poisonous venom. Excellent!

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      @ Frank. Thanks. Diversity is the spice of life, or so that interesting cliche goes. I need all the support I can get, so, share and share away.

      and, yes, Jami's comment is quite hilarious. You should follow her, if you don't. She's a good writer

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 5 years ago from Shelton

      first let me run the laughter I got from Jami Pereeira's comment.. but you are so talented you write about so many topics and make it look easy.. I'm going to start to envy you.. and flag all your stuff out of jealousy! LOL kidding... I think

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      leann, always root for the protagonist :-) Thanks for stopping by!

    • profile image

      leann2800 5 years ago

      I am still trying who to cheer for....the guy who ate his cake or the doctors trying to keep him from killing himself. You did a great job with character development. Good story

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      @Mhay- thanks for stopping by. Father Time make sus all a little wider around the waist. It's good that you're both kind.

      @Kam- thank you!

      @Jacqui- The goal of a writer is to paint a picture with words, so, I appreciate the compliment!

      Thanks for the reads, comments and votes

    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 5 years ago from Leicester, United Kingdom

      Very interesting and enjoyable hub. I could picture the scene in my head. Loved the ending. Voted up and awesome.

    • Kamalesh050 profile image

      Kamalesh050 5 years ago from Sahaganj, Dist. Hooghly, West Bengal, India

      Enjoyed the story. Its written Beautifully. Voted Up.

      Best Wishes, Kamalesh

    • mhaydock profile image

      mhaydock 5 years ago from Illinois

      I guess he had his cake and ate it too! I consider myself reasonably attractive and I'm married to a fat Joe, not a huge one, just a pleasantly soft one. But, the shoe is on the other foot and like many women I was the skinny one first. Thankfully my "fat" Joe is a kind Joe and loves me in spite of my softness and never reminds me of who I was

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      well, it's justa matter of opinion, I suppose. I got an A in the class so he must not have hated my writing. He just didn't like surprise endings or dark comedy, and he said as much. Check out the other stories I turned in for the class" Starfish, Lime Green Buddha and Hero for a Day, which he also enjoyed. I'm also editing one called Bastard which he gave me an A on as well. Thanks again for stopping by!

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Yah, ya know...my teachers all disliked my writing too - I was too 'dark'. But at least I knew how to use punctuation! Most of the kids in my classes couldn't even spell sentence correctly let alone actually write an interesting one :D

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Thanks Arie. my writing instructor didn't like it because of the "comedic" ending

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      YAY for Joe!!!!!!!!! That's how I plan to go :) Excellent story.

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image
      Author

      Justin W Price 6 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      Thanks for your comments. Glad you enjoyed it.

    • profile image

      Andrea 6 years ago

      poor Joe. he even had to shell out cash for Sophia's "perfect breasts" which like the cake, she probably didn't even let him touch! great story and details...saw it all in my mind.

    • profile image

      jami l. pereira 6 years ago

      If i had to live with that bitch , i would probrably had done the same thing ! great write . You really brought the emotion out in this piece , thanks for sharing , voted up and awesome:)

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