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Fauntleroy and Flossy – I am here, therefore I am

Updated on January 21, 2017

Fauntleroy glanced away from his reflection in the mirror over at Flossy, who was lying across their big brass bed, “The press is so dishonest. There were way more Farters for Fauntleroy in the streets than they reported.”

“Oh, darling, you know the Farters for Fantleroy are very loyal to you. You cannot let the press give you gas. It isn’t good for you. I hear you talking with all sorts of people about gas.”

“You understand me so well. Thank you my little котёнок (kitten).”

Connie stepped away from the flower wallpaper wearing only matching body paint. “English, only from now on. You must remember, my President.” She reached for a hooded robe and draped it over her shoulders. She reprimanded herself to herself: Only offer 10 second sound bites, never command, never insult.

Connie and Fauntleroy walked out of the royal residence. Connie began, “You have been invited to Kazakhstan. If you do go, remember that all the rooms you will be in are recorded for both sound and video. Every step will be observed, every word will be recorded. Those Russian girls, as you know, are beautiful, but you have to control yourself.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m smart I get it. Make sure there are some women on the plane. And get me some 3 x 5 cards with the names of who I am meeting with. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov called on my camouflage phone. I am going to have to get an unlisted camouflage phone.” He paused for a moment. “Can I banish Senators? Some of them are very annoying.”

“Did you hear about a new opposition group called, Rabble in Arms,” Connie thought a moment. “What does that even mean?”

The two stepped inside the Rolls Royce Presidential limo. When the doors were closed Connie ran the scanner to make sure they were not being recorded. “Are we sponsoring a branch of Bank of Moscow here in Washington DC?”

“Where did you hear that?”

“I hear things. Don’t you think I hear things?”

They both laughed.

Fauntleroy leaned back and grabbed his gold phone.

Tweet

@TheRealFauntleroy

I hear things. Don’t you think I hear things?”

(Rocky quote)

Tweet

@TheRealFauntleroy

“By law" - will become a meaningless phrase.

He was so happy with his cleverness.

The waiting room was filled when they arrived at his office. Fauntleroy walked through quickly. He pointed to each person there as they headed for the office door. “Yes, yes, no, no, no, no, no, yes, no.” He reached to door. “Connie, we now have time for a round of golf. Let’s head out the back door. Vader is waiting.”

At the golf course Vader met them in a golf cart. When they both climbed on the cart sank noticeably.

A caddy nearby heard, “We have an offer on the Lincoln Memorial.”

Vader reached in his pocket and pulled out a note and handed it to Fauntleroy.

“Work,” Fauntleroy said. “I came to play golf. I already worked this morning.” He looked at the note. “They will pay how much for a pound of enriched uranium.”

“An operative in Albania tells us that is what we can receive by diverting the material in question to them.”

Fauntleroy, Vader and Connie climbed down from the golf cart. Fauntleroy went to the tee and hit a nice shot down the fairway. “Life is good,” he called, as he watched Connie line up for her shot. “Life is good.”

Tweet

@TheRealFauntleroy

“Enrich, enrich.”

Disclaimer


Fauntleroy and Flossy is a work of fiction. No gastroenterologist were injured during the production of this episode. No methane wells were capped as a result of this fictitious work. All characters and other entities appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, or non democrats or for that matter other chance, real-life entity, past or present, is precisely coincidental, inconsequential and unceremoniously predictable. The events, appointments, and character assassinations and firms depicted are fictitious, or should be fictitious. No Albanian operatives were consulted during the construction of this writing.

Side effects may include stunting of growth, seizures, and blurry vision. This in no way is relief for personal medical requirements. Feelings of depression, anxiety and anguish nervousness may occur while under the influence of Fauntley and Flossy.

If you are allergic to Fauntleroy and Flossy, or any of their ingredients, quit reading immediately. Visual hallucinations may actually be real life occurrences. Keep psychoactive artificial cannabinoid families nearby, as their availability may become restricted as real life replaces past hallucinations.

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A White House maintenance man took down the brass plate reading 'West Wing' at the entrance to the hall, the new brass plate read, 'Red Wing'.

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An irony of history is the Bolshevik revolution (anti-imperial, anti-capitalist) happened in 1917.

© 2017 mckbirdbks

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    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 6 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Strap on your seat belts and get ready for the ride of a lifetime. It has begun, and I think the first 100 days are going to be some of the most significant in recent history...and I don't necessarily mean that in a good way. :)

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 6 months ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Your muse is on fire...and has me on a roller coaster of emotions - my tears and giggle meters are well exercised, thanks to you, dear Mike.

      As we are experiencing a bit of a 'gas mishap' (don't ask) in the appliance department (where my husband doesn't hold a position), the "Farters for Fauntleroy" is forever in my mind...so thanks for that too.

      I'll be prepared for your next installment...perhaps we'll even learn what's in the Tiffany box.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 6 months ago from Southern Illinois

      There ain't nothing as good as Mike's nonfiction! I watched in disbelief as Fauntleroy spoke at his inauguration. ( Look out senators and congressmen who disagree with him, both sides. ) For some strange reason my stomach is bloated! Ha..The only good thing about yesterday was seeing Hillary and Bill. Aha, the good old days of Bill's convorting. Shame on me! Until next time, keep writing...

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hi Bill - my opinion is that we are going to see and hear things that we never thought possible in this country. In one of these episodes the characters ponder, 'Will Democrats fight?" I sure wonder, this is not our Father's generation.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello mar - I should have used Mason Williams' song, 'Classical Gas' for this episode. Sorry that 'gas' issues have reached your household. Andy and Zoey must be besides themselves.

      The Mystery of the Tiffany Box, is a pretty good title.

      We are going to have to wait to see what happens next. At Disneyland there is a Log ride, you seat in this sleigh designed to look like a log, and it carries you along. Then as it reaches the top it prepares to drop you from a good height. We are being pulled to the top and we are anticipating the top and subsequent drop.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Ruby - See, it is like going to a doctor to get a sliver removed. Most of the pain is in the anticipation. For now at least, one sliver has been removed. The inoculation (inauguration) is done. The curtain is going to draw open and the show will begin. Stock up on plenty of popcorn and candy. Maybe dust off the CD player and play good music.

    • PegCole17 profile image

      Peg Cole 6 months ago from Dallas, Texas

      Quite funny if it weren't so close to the truth. "“Work,” Fauntleroy said. “I came to play golf. I already worked this morning.” He looked at the note. “They will pay how much for a pound of enriched uranium.”" Funny thing about golf and Presidents. They all seem to like it a lot.

      Is this the uranium deal you were writing about? Snopes says in regard to Trump's accusations about Hillary and uranium, "One fault investigations into the Clinton Foundation's practices did find was that not all of the donations were properly disclosed — specifically, those of Uranium One Chairman Ian Telfer between 2009 and 2012." Maybe it's just a coincidence.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Peg - I am writing fiction. I did not hear anything about a Clinton foundation issue or an issue of any kind regarding uranium. The not so subtle message, is 'the anything for money' attitude, as the trillions of dollars are needed to pay off loans. I studied economics - economics teaches very painful lessons throughout history. A concern of mine, is we are about to be taught a lesson. Not sure we (we the people) are prepared.

      Thank you for visiting my story today.

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 6 months ago from South Africa

      Farters for Fauntleroy. Hahaha!

      I am more concerned about the anti-farters.

      I am trying my best to be positive.

      This is the year of the rooster.

      I am a rooster; Fauntleroy is a dog.

      We are seeing the dawn of a new era.

      Keep your notebook ready, dear Mike.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Martie - I don't see how you can have time to worry what goes on in America, as your country seems to be fraught with troubles. Perhaps the whole world is under attack and we just are not seeing the big picture unfold. The Billionaire's Club is out in force here, and laughing at all of us. I read that Putin has acquired 90 billion dollars. It is easy to be arrogant with that kind of money tucked away for a rainy day.

      It is a new dawn. Stay positive.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 months ago from Toronto, Canada

      Very, very funny. Now you are up to speed with the true spirit of the Soviet Union aka 1980-ies - when all the citizens could do is laugh and make jokes about the regime.

      I cannot believe - I missed all this Russian theme of your writing.

      They give you an award, take it. Cheers to that!

      In Kazakhstan - the Kazakh girls are more beautiful than Russian and it's a separate country now - my mother grew up there and I used to visit during summers. It's a nice place, you should go while Trump deals with his Presidency.

      Yes, the Revolution... I remember we met over you burning houses and dying for your country and me telling you about Russian revolutions. How ironic, indeed.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Svetlana - Funny, I thought about my short story "I should have Died for my country' recently. Yes, it is looking more true today than ever. As a amateur student of history, I know how bad the people of Russia were treated from the onset of the Revolution to possibly the (announced) end of the cold war. I say announced because it is clear that it is not over.

      It always struck me who the people of Russia and the people of the United States resembled each other. Photographs of families in their homes could have easily been presented as people from New Jersey.

      Not likely that I will be traveling to Russia. Not sure with my name I would even be granted asylum. (Snowden joke.)

      Fauntleroy brought Russia to the forefront, or perhaps Russia brought Fauntleroy to the forefront. It is clear there is a strong connection. It is not clear, to me, why the uproar is not deafening.

      Starting to look like Canada was a smart move.

      Thanks for visiting. I will be over soon to see what you and Daniel have to say about shoes.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 months ago from Toronto, Canada

      Nothing is clear in history, rest assured. I have no idea what happened and happening in Russia and elsewhere - lies on top of lies or shall I say "perspectives and interpretations"?

      I took a course on the History of the Middle East and I was ashamed how little I (we) knew and fascinated with what I learned. To say that we are "unaware" of what Middle East is - is to say nothing.

      Don't worry about "The Wardrobe of Mine" - wedding dresses and shoes - it's too long a story - I only published it to have a sense of accomplishment.

      Last year (historically) did not happen for me. There was 2015 and 2017 - I can't remember 2016. Sometimes I come to HubPages and see - I published something in 2011 - I was alive then.

      2012?

      2013?

      2014?

      2015?

      not so much. So, don't worry - you have enough to read and worry about just now. When you need a wedding dress and a shoe to match - then come over.

      By the way, I have just taken a course on "Death, Dying and Afterlife" - I know, I know, it won't make me the most popular gal at the parties - but I don't go to any parties anyways...

      Daniel joined me (was forced to joined me because I did him a favour) for the lecture on suicide and you know what - half of it he laughed at the guy Sisyphus - Daniel came up with the practical advice I wouldn't think of - because I thought it wasn't an option since it would change the whole point of the story.

      But who said, we "know" the whole point? I came to agree with his conclusions.

      Anyway - the most illuminating course about perspectives and what's really important in life - it was more about life than death.

      Death is what gives our lives a narrative. As a narrator, you know what that means, don't you?

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hi Svetlana - You had a closer look at Russia than the rest of us. There are plenty of photographs of the Russian people and how they lived. The point I tried to imply that the American public are not prepared for the same kind of hardship the Russian people incurred.

      I understand the writers of history, slant it to their own ends. The middle east is easier to understand. The West went in and meddled and those in the middle east are trying to unmeddle. (I just made up that word.)

      Sorry that 2012, 13,14, 15 left you reeling. Also glad that things are improving. Daniel has grown so much. I bet you understand him more and he understands you more.

      Yes, I know the narrator sets the tone. I set the tone of the meaningless fictions I conjure.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 6 months ago from Texas

      Oh Mike, this sure has taken off, I agree with our beautiful friend Maria your muse sure is on fire.

      Keep on rolling them out, now that I am feeling better after two bouts of the flu. I will be waiting.

      Blessings always.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Good morning Shy - Glad that you are feeling better. At least that is out of the way now.

      I don't know about this series. (Where did all these series come from anyway? I just started out selling coffee and donuts at Emerald Wells Cafe.)

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 5 months ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Lol! From the title, on, with every paragraph, I had a smile on my face...so very clever! I have to echo Maria's comment: "My giggle meters are well exercised, thanks to you, dear Mike." My winter-gray New England Sunday just got better. Kudos. :-)

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 5 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Genna - Thank you. Glad I could bring a smile to you on a cold winter New England day. As you likely know it is raining and raining and raining here in SoCal. Some areas have announced the drought is over. Likely sending up a plea to the heavens, enough is enough already.

      I am sitting here wondering about a writing gimmick, hoping I can pull it off. Stay tuned.

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 5 months ago from Massachusetts, USA

      I've heard about the torrential rains you've had (almost 9 inches?) that are supposed to taper off today. My goodness, Mike...I hope all is well. My sister lives in SF, and said that they've had a ton of rain before as well. Hopefully, the silver lining is that this will help with the drought CA has experienced. Stay well and safe.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 5 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Genna - I cannot remember a rain as hard as it rained the last few days. It seemed the storm targeted this house. The roof was pounded by water. I have heard that part of the State has declared the drought over as water levels rose to pre drought levels. The snow pack is lower than usual also.

      I even had an all day fire in the fireplace a few days ago.

      I thought the Gods of California were angry with the election.

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