Fauntleroy and Flossy - What Didn’t You Know, And When Didn’t You Know It
Fauntleroy having again eaten one too many Cheetos Puffs was pulled again into the darkness of his subconscious.
The walnut gavel stuck the plank calling the hearing to order. Fauntleroy sat next to his defense counsel. Forty-two of his associates sat behind them awaiting their turn at impending sentencing.
Russian Ambassador Duńpismioff sat in the witness stand.
The young prosecuting attorney continued his statements. “We have frozen your memberships in all the luxury accommodations that you have enjoyed during your relationship with The Fauntleroy’s pearl opulence locations. The IRS has frozen all Russian access to accounts in Zurich and the Bermuda Islands as well as the Cayman Islands. You know that your country is in negotiations for your release. You also know that you will never see your country again if you fail to cooperate with these proceedings.
Look out over the faces in this room. Each one of these people is going to spend time in prison. Each offense of dealing with the Russian government will carry its own penalty.” The young prosecutor paused. “Now, tell me what didn’t you know, and when didn’t you know it?”
Ambassador Duńpismioff cleared his throat, visibly uncomfortable.
“You would have never caught me, had I not sent my private jet to pick up our person inside the Bureau. The moment his payoff arrived from our funds in Abu Dhabi reached his account in Venezuela he jumped ship. Just like that first General that you cannot find. I consider him a chip. If you let me go, without penalty, I will give you his location in Caracas. The same goes for the pretty couple, we know where they are also.”
Duńpismioff pointed out at those accused. “These people were so cheap. Once we figured out just how cheap, we concluded that buying them was cheaper than one of your F-35 planes. People were begging to be bought. All the talk about slavery. These men and women, Congressman, Senators. Your heads of state. Our oil money was put to good use.”
He sat back smugly in his chair. Fauntleroy was visibly unnerved.
“Go on,” said the young black prosecutor, suddenly amused by the testimony.
“After the meetings held Seychelles we knew that the whole barrel was rotten and we no longer needed to buy many of them. Just enough to control the heads of the major departments as we closed down the United States.” He leaned forward, “Just think, the entire might of the United States placed in the hands of a person who only cared about money. Not family, not country, just money. He was a small player. We laughed when we found we could buy him for the price of a golf course. You Americans and all your values. All your patriots disarmed by an amoral family. Our toughest opponent was a middle-aged white woman. She surprised us.”
He looked at Fauntleroy and the crowd of faces behind him. “Gentlemen, you are not going to like the Russian prisons in Siberia. It is too bad that we failed. The Russians would have enjoyed owning your American cities and starting a whole new country without all the flag waving. Our men would have built the next generation into a stronger breed with your women.”
Ambassador Duńpismioff stood. “You asked what didn’t I know, and when didn’t I know it? Well, the answer is, I did not know we could lose, and I did not know it until this moment.”
Fauntleroy put his face into his hands.
This is a work of fiction. No reporters were arrested for asking a member of the administration a question. No young prosecutors were amused in the writing of this piece.
Although Fauntleroy withdrawal is rarely serious it produces a number of very unpleasant side effects. Symptoms generally only last for about a week or two and may include the following:
- Body aches
- Tremors and shakiness
- Inability to feel pleasure
- Challenges in concentration
- Intense craving for cocaine
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