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Fauntleroy and Flossy – Divide and Conquer

Updated on January 5, 2017

In the great residence, Flossy lay in her big brass bed. “Darling.” She looked across the room, “Darling? Are you listening?” She looked for any sign of acknowledgement, as wives do. “Darling,” she raised her voice.

Fauntleroy tore his eyes away from his reflection in the mirror. “Yes?” He paused, “Yes, to anything you want.”

“Really. Do you really mean it? Because what I want is for you to change the name of Washington, D.C. to Fauntleroy, D.C. I think Washington has held the name long enough. The people mandated change. You got every vote that mattered. Between the FBI and the KGB, well you did it Darling.” She paused and glanced at Connie sitting at the end of the bed. “Does she have to be here with us? Even in bed?”

Fauntleroy glanced over at his wife. “You are to be seen and not heard. It is a man's world.”

“Oh, another thing Darling, the phones have been changed like you asked. Now, incoming calls will be answered with: Press 1 for English and Press 2 for Russian.”*

Connie stood and left the room a few steps ahead of Fauntleroy. When they were clear of the Great Residence door, Connie turned to Fauntleroy and said, “When will the public learn that you were not elected, but rather you conquered?”

“Republican Senators are beginning to question my decisions. REPUBLICANS, how could they break ranks with me? Those old dinosaurs have to go. Call Kim Jung-un, he is said to have gotten rid of over 340 members on his enemy list. Find out if that affected his sleep.”

He reached for Connie’s behind, but she was too quick for him. “Put out another Press release. Expand our slogan, Buy Americans, Hire Americans and Retire unnecessary Americans.” He smiled at his own humor.

“Don’t worry. I will clean that up.”

Flossy ran out of the Great Residence’s door wearing her negligee. Flashing her garter, and called after them, “Darling, answer your camouflage phone. She turned, hiding her wry smile.

Faunt's camouflage sock phone rang.

“Putt-Baby, what gets you out of your warm bed so early this morning? Yes, yes, I saw it, that was so smart. You sure put the outgoing President in his place. So, what, I’ll call back each one of those ambassadors in just a couple of weeks. Anything else?” He listened. “Sure, Poland, take it. What do I want with Poland.” He hung up.

Mini T, Model T and Eridick were in the map room, sitting in front of the Ouija board. Model T’s hands were on the planchette. “Should Dad deport the Cubans back to Miami where they came from?” Her fingers were guided by the board. Just as it began to move in one direction Fauntleroy walked into the room with Connie on his left, like a good heeler.

“Leave the room.” The three children obeyed. Fauntleroy made another grab at Connie as they went by.

Connie placed her hands on the table and leaned for a closer look at the hotels and pipelines.

Fauntleroy leaned for a closer look at Connie. “That would be very unfortunate if politics were the motivating factor here,” she said pointing at the map. “You have reassurances from Putt-Baby?” She caught Faunleroy’s eyes. “I’m up here My President.”

“Yes, yes, he has assured me that sufficient funds will flow back to us and our partnerships. You know that man is claimed to have skimmed off eighty billion dollars from the Russian economy and people. I think we can do better.” He looked Connie in the face. “Why do you think the American people never catch on that all the politicians that make it to Washington leave with wealth that lasts for generations?”

He paused as Connie stood. “Did you hear that Duarte bragged about throwing people from helicopters? I want to throw someone from a helicopter. Who can we get?”

Connie looked at him, then turned and walked away. Over her shoulder she called, “NO.”

A second, “NO” came down the hall. “We have work to do. You are not Batman.” She turned and marched back toward Fauntleroy. “Did you read that the U.S. ranks similarly to Rwanda in terms of election integrity? Rwanda - for Christ-sake. You have to reign in those monkeys. They don’t feel there is any repercussion. But history shows there is.”

Fauntleroy raced after her, “Did you see that there is a suggestion that I rely on Foreign Intelligence Agencies until the CIA can give me unbiased information. I have to call Putt-Baby, and see if he will supply me with intelligence.”

Connie puts her fingers to her earpiece. “What? A ‘Fauntleroy’ Rooster erected outside a mall in China? Just who do those communists think they are dealing with?”

Connie stopped. “My President, is it true that your Commerce Secretary pick is top shareholder of a bank used by Kremlin-aligned oligarchs?”

“Sure, what’s wrong with that? It’s a bank, not a church. Do the people think that banks don’t hold vast power? That’s where the money is. We are going to break all the myths. Do you hear me, all of them.” He looked at his watch, I have a meeting with Little PR, we are going to dismantle the Veterans administration. It will go into hands that can administer it efficiently, at a profit. Why are we taking care of all these veterans? They got paid for their work.”

“One more thing before I let you go. Corporations are buying up water rights all over the country. You are going to have to give this some thought.”

Fauntleroy glanced at his watch. “I have to go.”

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This is a fictionalization of a dramatization, i.e., fiction. Names, characters, behinds, places, events and Ouija boards are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance, parlance, pretense, or grabbing of actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Any reproduction, transmission or broadcast without the express written consent of the fictitious author, other than unconstitutional surveillance by government agents is not recommended.

Caution: Do not read Fauntleroy and Flossy while thinking. An ignition hazard exists, when the room is not properly ventilated. Aggressive behavior has been witnessed in readers not sufficiently versed in satire, parody, and mockery.

By reading this, the user consents to intergovernmental agency monitoring, wire tapping, warrantless photographic recording, inspection, and disclosure at the discretion of the fictitious author, regarding fictitious characters in fictitious settings.

No warranty is expressed or implied, or decried.

Common Side Effects

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    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 6 months ago from South Africa

      Oh dear, one can but only guess what Fauntleroy is going to do next. Fauntleroy, DC! Why not? If buildings could have his name, why not cities as well. One of these days we may even hear about a city called Moscow in the USA. Thanks for the smiles, Mike. Sadness, unfortunately follows, as one realizes that changes could have disastrous results.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 6 months ago from Southern Illinois

      I have a feeling the republicans are going to rise up against some of The Don's ideas, it's just a matter of days, at least that's what the pundits are saying. Have you noticed when Connie is asked a question she always reverts back to Hillary's failure to connect to the common people? Flossy hasn't a clue, poor thing...Loved this...

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hi Martie – We all are going to have to just wait and see. I predict that corruption just comes out in the open for all to see. Nothing to stop them now. This parody will have a difficult time trying to present humor.

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      • Hello Ruby – We are in a time if complete unpredictability. The stakes are high. Keep one eye on your money as that seems to be the primary goal. Yes, Flossy, does not know what she has gotten herself into with this new venture of Fauntleroys. Thanks for stopping by to read this attempt at light heartedness. Approve

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 6 months ago from Jeffersonville PA

      I guess politics does make for strange bedfellows. Both Flossy and Connie have their respective work cut out for them.

      WHO - you do have my vote with your musical choices. Hugs, mar

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello mar - Yes, just WHO do they think they are? If this is going to continue, I will have to develop the characters. And the readership. Happy Thursday.

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 6 months ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Only three sentences in while reading this recent installment of F&F, I had a smile on my face. By the second paragraph, I was chuckling. Fauntleroy DC. Lol. How about "Moscow on the Potomac"? I think even Robin Williams (RIP) might get a kick out of that one. Can you imagine the riffs he would do on DT? He would love your parodies. Thank you, thank you, for this funny installment, Mike. I needed a smile and giggles just now, and this was perfect. :-)

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 6 months ago from Olympia, WA

      I love the Carriage Driver dearly, but this kind of political humor holds a special place in my heart. I've been a huge follower of George Carlin for many decades, and I think of Carlin when I read this series....keep them coming, Mike!

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 6 months ago from Texas

      This is so funny, with Connie sitting at the end of the bed, but somehow I don't think she would knowingly side step the grope, at least I can't picture her avoiding a firm one, in fact I picture her doing some groping of her own.

      Please as Bill says, keep them coming.

      Blessings always

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Genna – Glad I could provide a smile. I do appreciate the comment regarding Robin Williams. That is very high praise. Fauntleroy and Flossy have their work cut out for them. They are going to be responsible for running three empires, the U.S., Russia, and Fauntleroy, Inc.

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Bill - The Carriage Driver and Fauntleroy and Flossy, are so far apart on the feelings barometer. One thing for sure, F & F are much quicker writes. I mean I go look at a few headlines and away I go. Thanks for staying with these stories. Thanks for mentioning Carlin. He really knew how to tell things the way he saw them.

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Shy – Connie may just think, that if Fauntleroy is not groping the male staff, that he should leave her alone. The job is really taking its toll on Connie. She is surrounded by billionaires, they must all be entitled to everything they can still. As always, I appreciate the blessings.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 6 months ago from Central Florida

      What a comical mess these characters are!

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hi Sha - that is well said. Yes, comical for now, soon to be maddening.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 6 months ago from Central Florida

      Yep. I didn't want to say it. Glad you did!

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 6 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hi Sha - it is like we went to a double feature. The first show was a rated G uplifting, cheerful story. Then the second showing on the bill is so kind of Chuckie the slasherman. Here we are near the end of intermission.

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