Fauntleroy and Flossy My Fellow Americans
Inauguration Speech 2017
“My fellow Americans and of course our guest residents. And I have been asked by the Border Patrol to play this song here.”
The Como Mamas - Meet Me At the River
My fellow Americans. You have heard me say, that we are 20 trillion dollars in debt. You and I know that we cannot keep going down this path without a catastrophe. We are going to make changes, and we are going to make them fast. The myth of the indispensable nation is over. All that shining city on the hill stuff is over with.
The National Parks are going to be sold; Yellowstone will soon be renamed Orangestone. Mt. Rushmore will be known as Stoneheads. And we sold exclusive photographic rights to TrampsPhotographicExperience. Every acre of government land will be auctioned off for cash. Oh, are we going to get a really good deal. I mean, with my experience, you know. All federal buildings are going to be sold to the highest bidder. If they are Arabians, Saudis or even Koreans so be it; whoever has the cash, gold, silver deposits or junk jewelry or oil leases or oil equipment. Our Secretary of Sate is in talks as we speak to trade Arkansas, for oil contracts in Eastern Europe. We have an offer for Wisconsin. Oh, those Canadians low balled us, boy, they are a cheap country.
If we cannot find a buyer for the White House, it will be turned into a for-profit museum of the American people’s past. It will be an epic American shrine that will be maintained by public donations and admission fees. The White House lawn will be mowed by volunteer children that are no longer required to attend school.
These actions will not make a dent in the debt problem. We will be recruiting volunteers to cut down the trees that stand in the way of our progress. You are going to need the wood to keep your homes warm. It will be another win-win deal. Energy prices are set to spiral upward, out of control, as we disband the useless department of energy. That is going to save the government so much, oh so much. That department, I mean, they are so low energy. They should not even be called what they are called.
Army recruiters are going to be stationed in every prison. Every case will be reviewed; all marijuana offenders will have a chance to enlist in the great Army of the Republic, at minimum wage, and sent to fight our enemies in foreign lands and settle domestic disputes. This two-pronged attack will save money at both the Federal and State level. As some of you know many of our pension funds are flat broke. As our promises are broken, many more police and armed military personnel will be needed to protect our property.
This great Nation will once again be respected throughout the world. Our prison population will be dramatically reduced. Federal and State prisons will be rebuilt, using prison labor, along our porous Southern Border. We will snag that Great Wall revenue from the Chinese, and return it to America where it belongs. The guards can then control the remaining prisoners, and the prisoners will be given special turret assignments to guard the border. We are in negotiations with Walmart to build facilities in between the prisons with rear entrances on Mexican property.
A new term will be introduced into the lexicon. ‘The Maximum Wage’ will be the law of the land. Seniority will no longer guarantee increases in salary each year. Americans must begin saving for their retirement years. The best financial minds have been brought here on my staff. Wall Street will lead the way in the New Republic. All your retirement accounts will be frozen and handed over to the honest, benevolent wizards of Wall Street.
Beginning immediately driver’s license fees will be raised to $500.00 per person. That is only $100.00 per year. Every American male citizen should be able to afford that. The license will also be your identification for all government purposes. It will be required at the Post Office, during its final days until closure. This new National Identity card must be shown as proof of your eligibility to vote. You will be required to show this identity paper to anyone in authority.
It has been determined, by use of super computers, that 80 percent of the public schools will be closed. This will cause a slight inconvenience to many who treat the school system as their own personal daycare. Our society will be better, I mean really good, the best, once the women are returned to their homes to raise their children. Besides, it is easy to raise a family; all my wives tell me that. And I have great kids, the greatest. I mean your kids are good too, but mine, Oh man, mine are just the best. So many new businesses will be able to open. Music lessons and Electronic Cash Register training will be big. Those children that elect to stay home, from lack of schools can tend lawns and maintain our neighborhoods. A good work ethic must be reestablished in this great land of ours.
This brings me to my promise of new jobs. With our guest residents expatriated to their homeland and the women again confined to the homes of their husbands this great, free enterprise society will again offer jobs to all the top male applicants.
With all corporate tax burden shifted to the people where it belongs, innovation and new opportunities will abound. As you can see from my actions, even as President-elect, I have not used public employees to handle my day to day business.
I have held many, many meetings at my private residence. So much nicer than the public places you used. So much nicer and cleaner. As such, I have not needed press coverage. My residence is private property, as such, I do not have to grant access. Those people will have to find their news elsewhere.
As with all changes, there may be mistakes made. Economic depressions may surprise us, as half the government is shifted to the private sector, or retired. My fellow Americans, in fifty years, this will be a shining new country on a hill. Those years may be trying times. I am sure we are strong enough to weather the storms and overcome all enemies foreign and domestic. My grandchildren will thank us for your sacrifice.
With these few minor changes to our society, we once again will be world leaders, along with our counterparts in the great country of Russia, as we embark on a new age of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Good night and God bless Americans, everyone.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
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This is a work of fiction. Nostradamus did not really predict anything. All characters are aberrations of the fictitious writer’s imagination. Past, present or future events are historical renderings of fictional occurrences. If you work for the government and are reading, or can read this, that means, I made it all up.
No pot smokers or stone heads were consulted in the cobbling of these fictitious predicted plans.
The people at the end of the lines during a bank run did not get their money.
If you are allergic to Fauntleroy and Flossy or any of the ingredients stop reading immediately and seek medical attention. If a rash occurs find a doctor while you have access to one. Otherwise a moss and tree bark potion may work until the application of science returns to civilization.