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My Funny Story About Diving Into A Swimming Pool

Updated on August 22, 2012

Funny Story About Diving into a Pool

I think I've established that I am a bit of a klutz - kind of a Lucille Ball in the present day. In fact, the phrase ‘poultry in motion’ would best describe me on any given day. Everything I do seems to turn into a comedic farce. However, you might think that this was a recent development, or at least something I came upon later in life – some sort of cosmic shifting of my psyche so to speak when I became motor impaired!

Ah, there you would be wrong my dearest friends. This lack of agility and knack for comedic outcomes has been with me my entire freaking life! From as far back as I can remember, when I think of my life, I hear people laughing – albeit sometimes first gasping – but ultimately laughing. I guess in terms of ‘being someone’ this is not a bad thing. And unfortunately since this appears to be my lot in life, I can do nothing but laugh along.

From the first time I got my dress caught in my accordion, front and center, all alone on the stage playing my little heart out in my first recital on this horrendous instrument, I have been an America’s Funniest Video waiting to happen. To say that it got 'better' would be perhaps in part true – the stage for my inevitable faux pas seems to only get bigger. I guess my 'exposure' has grown since more and more people over the years regularly tag me with 'okay – hit me with your latest story'. Sigh – it is important to have friends and to be amusing. It is after all, one of the things I am most famous for. In truth, I wouldn't have it any other way – laughter is a balm.

Now let me take you back to a time in my life when like all other young people, I was extremely vulnerable and ah yes, starting out on my journey of life – only to become increasingly inevitably prone to humorous outcomes.

By the way, the picture isn't me - big surprise! It's as close as I can get in my imagination to what I might have looked like - or what maybe I'd wanted to look like!

Setting The Stage - or the Pool

I left home the day after I graduated from high school. I was a ripe old 17 years old. I had my reasons but I was savvy enough to know that being on my own completely at that age was probably not the best idea. For many reasons that I will not go into here, I had decided to become religious. It was truthfully either that or I would have found myself in serious trouble with drugs or some other 'hideaway' so as safety nets go, I think religion was a good choice for me at the time. It was a form of solace for me at that moment in my life and I daresay that if I had not gone into religion, I might have ended up a sad statistic. Suffice it to say that it served a great purpose for me and protected me in many ways. It also taught me a lot about myself and about life - all valuable tools. But I digress.....

The religion I chose was one of the most radical I could have chosen (go figure). I only mention this because being young, in this particular religion we were very 'hindered' by said religion. There was no Pepsi-Cola drinking, no dancing, no going to movies, no wearing jewelry, no coffee drinking, no meat eating, etc – you are getting my drift no doubt! What is left of course are simple things in life – and sex. As an aside, I did find that the boys in particular had a definite preoccupation with sex. Of course they did – what was left? And of course – they were male! Need I say more?

Not to say that girls were not as equally focused on the subject, myself included. Of course, the fact that I was a part of this religious group to me is now laughable since I am probably the poster child for most wicked! However, it was a good place for me to be at that time in my life. I of course was one of the youngest ‘converts’ and was subsequently taken into the female population. All us girls/women lived together in one house and worked at a religious cafe on the beach in San Diego while the men/young guys lived in another house.

We had many social activities such as choir and helping out all around town, prayer groups, missionary work, cafe keeping, etc. to keep us busy – but still we did have time for some ‘appropriate forms’ of recreation - to include of course the many, many trials at making out and trying to get past first base!

All this said, swimming was an ‘allowed’ activity and one I happened to love. The beach was my all-time favorite by far, but if you said we were going swimming anywhere, I was there. Someone in the congregation lived in a huge apartment complex and they had kindly reserved the pool for all of us on a summer night. After weeks of working hard and after finishing our multitude of chores, we were to have an outing – with nothing to do but frolic in the water and have a cookout. I could barely contain myself because it was something 'non-religious' and something I really loved to do – frolic (not really) - swim!

Well, it started out okay. We all arrived at once but everyone was chatting it up like we'd never seen each other. We were just enjoying our time off. It also turned out that there was not ONE pool – but TWO pools! Oh happy days! Short of horseback riding (which I had significantly curtailed because of my lack of money), this was my favorite activity – and lucky me – both pools were outdoors! We chatted it up some more but eventually we realized that our time would be speeding past and we’d best get to swimming before we missed out on our big 'luxury'.

As I stripped off my bathing suit cover, I suddenly became aware of a LOT of attention. As much as I liked the attention of guys though, I suddenly felt practically naked. I only had one bathing suit to my name – and it just happened to be a bikini. This was of course purchased before I found religion - not my fault! It was a yellow and red polka dot bikini at that and I was very tanned. I’m not even sure what anyone else was wearing to tell the truth. All I know is that when I stripped off my cover-up, I was suddenly very aware of every eye on me.

Now I have never been ‘built’, ‘stacked’ or even remotely ‘well endowed’. All of those words are meant to describe some luscious looking girl that is NOT me. I was lucky if I could pass muster for breasts when I was younger so anything that showed up in the cups I was happy about! Let me rephrase that – delighted! (My cup did NOT runneth over) At one point, I had taken to stuffing nylons in my bras to make me look bigger, however, when one of my nylons peaked out over the top of my blouse in full view of everyone and some nice guy said 'I think your nylons are showing', I decided to definitely 'go with what God had given me'. End of story.

At any rate, I guess it was because I was showing so 'much of me’ that got their attention but wow – I suddenly felt like I was the hive and there were bees buzzin’ all over me! I really don’t like to be the center of attention, unless I’m telling a joke or being funny – whether accidentally or on purpose. This is why I probably made such a lousy musician. I don’t like being a spectacle and yet – somehow miraculously I manage to become one some way or another without even trying!

As I tried to delicately brush off the guys and just get into the water, I walked down the steps into the pool and proceeded to swim. Wasn’t that what we were in fact there for? Well, as I swam, I noticed I had boys on either side swimming with me! I guess I needed an escort - or they were leading me into the harbor! I tried in vain to join a couple of the other girls’ groups and chat it up with them, but the boys were hovering all the time around the perimeter. I dove underwater, came up in the deep end and still they were there. Sometimes the same guys, sometimes different guys. It wasn’t like I was the only person in a bathing suit for crying out loud!

Finally, I was just feeling out of sorts with all this attention to my body. I was fairly pretty when I was in high school and I had my share of beaus. It was just different I guess being in a ‘religious’ group and having all these guys drooling over me. There was a guy or two who I eventually did date and found attractive. I can’t really explain it though – these guys were just ‘different’. I think the 8 hands that they sported kind of turned me off as it seemed (if possible) that they were even worse than some of the guys I had dated in high school. Part of the problem though was probably that I was trying to be 'pious' and the 'real Audrey' hadn't quite kicked in and broken free. Again I digress…..

So finally - in an effort to rid myself of my devoted followers, I decided to go to the other pool where some of the older people were swimming and hang out with them. How bad could it be? I know it was a cop-out but I felt decidedly ‘exposed’. Little did I know…..

Diving In

So I walk up the stairs of one pool and saunter (I have never sauntered in my life) over to the other pool. By this time, dusk was beginning to fall but that really has no bearing on this whatsoever. I tried to believe for a while that it did and made that my excuse – but really – the only excuse I have is I’m me!

I was sashaying along (again highly improbable - Audrey does not sashay) and decided to just be myself and swim. I was tired of trying to outrun all these guys and decided I’d just ignore them and swim to my heart’s content. What the heck? I didn’t have to keep running from them nor did I have to be afraid because I was in my bikini. I’d just be tough and brush them off.

Thinking these very positive thoughts to myself, congratulating myself on a decision well made and boosting myself up all the while, I proceeded to step to the edge of the other pool and dive in. I vaguely remember a few faces as I glanced about on executing the dive – and I did not see ‘amazing’ written on their face or anything remotely resembling praise for my diving form. Instead, I saw abject terror. I soon found out why!

Little Ms. Self-Conscious in her quest to rid herself of those annoying, pesky bees had forgotten one very important fact it seemed! The pools were side by side, and while I thought that they were identical – they in fact were not! No, folks – they were flipped! So the shallow end on one side was right across from the shallow end on the other side – not at the opposite end which I was counting on!!! All I can say is..... WOW!!! or make that OW!!!

For someone who didn’t want to make a spectacle of themselves, I surely did! I have to say I’m thankful for many reasons that I did not do a full blown straight-down dive or try to be Mark Spitz. I might be a paraplegic writing this – with the wand in my teeth! No, I did a somewhat shallow dive but when you dive into 3 feet of water, there is no such thing as a shallow dive.

Let’s just say this – I scraped the living daylights out of my hands – that was AFTER I bent back all my fingers and crashed them into the bottom of the pool and broke what was left of my fingernails. I then scraped my nose and my forehead all along the bottom of the pool – and for good measure, as if that wasn’t good enough folks, I scraped my thighs and my legs all along the bottom of the pool.

To make things even MORE interesting, my bathing suit did a couple of shifts around – my bottom half was half hanging off exposing parts I would rather not have exposed and my top had skittered sideways wherein my little, but obvious, boobies were bugging out. I think I scraped my HAIR to be honest. I don't think there was a part of me that DIDN'T touch the bottom of that blasted pool.

My first thought on hitting was 'holy s__!!!' and I was not supposed to be using those words....but COME ON! I remember my head hurting like a son-of-a-gun and my nose was bleeding - from the top if not the bottom. I remember people reaching into the water, some jumping into the water and grabbing me – that’s probably how my suit got screwed up! Then I was standing there in full view of everyone in the pool, my bathing suit askew – my hair probably standing straight up on my head – and my cute little face scratched and bleeding, my nose scraped within an inch of its life, raw and bleeding.

Everyone was yelling at me! To tell the truth, I didn’t feel so hot. I heard bits and pieces - ‘what - is she like crazy?’ ‘what were you THINKING?’ ‘should we call someone?’ Yeah - please call the rubber suited guys and ask them to bring some band-aids while they're at it!

In 5 seconds, I went from trying to be invisible to the full monte pretty much! There I stood, a tattered mess with people fussing over me and trying to tend my self-inflicted wounds - thankfully someone thought to put my suit to rights as well! I could hear bells ringing in my head and they weren’t church bells.

I more or less staggered to the side of the pool and someone helped me out and wrapped me in towels and put me onto a lounge chair. Everyone was talking at once – why had I done it? Did I think anything was broken? Did I break off my teeth? (Oh that was a cheery thought!!! Let me check them out okay before I answer and further embarrass myself!)

Well, as it turns out I didn’t lose any teeth and nothing was apparently broken. I was just very badly scraped up not to mention my ego had been further fractured in two. I have to say though, I did lose the guys! Must have been the sight of all that scraped flesh and my swelling red nose – bikini or not they didn’t seem to care anymore!

Ah yes - how to ward off unwanted suitors - the amazing Audrey technique!

So the moral of my story? Always check to see if you are in shallow water (literally) – especially when you decide to do a dive. I guess this could apply to many lessons I have learned in life – look before you leap! Who knew that the pools were not an exact mirror of each other but a reverse mirror. Had I known, I guarantee you I would have sashayed a bit further even knowing I was drawing bees to the hive!

I kept trying to explain this to everyone but for some odd reason, I think they thought I was just a slow top and didn’t know that you weren’t supposed to dive into shallow water. Yeah – I do this all the time, folks. It’s really a thrill and I find that it bumps up my IQ at least 10 points with each clank on the bottom of the pool of the old noggin. Holy crap is all I can say!

I healed up okay – I have a very healthy respect for swimming pools though to this day and instead of entering them with a dive, I always use the stairs. Much easier that way and you don’t have to worry about your suit being rearranged – or your face!

I heard about my little ‘escapade’ for quite a while. We’d have other church groups visit us or be on an outing and they’d all of a sudden stop and say ‘hey – aren’t you the girl that dove into the shallow end of the pool?’ It’s great to be famous! Only wish I’d been famous for something else but in my case, it could have been worse. I could have lost my entire suit or part of it with my luck – at least I came away with just a few scrapes – literally!

I also had a few suggestions thrown my way – then and since – like I should have a spotter when I enter the pool. Or this one is my favorite – I should wear a helmet in the pool at all times. I should only dive in the end if there is a diving board – that way I’ll know I’m in the correct end. And last but not least, I should wear flotation devices before I enter the pool and a mask to protect my face from scraping the bottom.

I say go ahead and laugh – I could have been an Olympic swimmer you know! Just because I’m not graceful doesn’t mean I’m not athletic! I would also be great as a synchronized swimmer I have no doubt. All that grace and poultry in motion? How could I not be marvelous?

Epilogue on Funny Story About Diving into a Pool

I have never had anything remotely close to this happen to me again. Of course, just to be on the safe side, I made sure not to dive into anything since - except a bowl of ice cream.

I am currently enrolled in a swim aerobics class. Some things just can't be let go and unfortunately I had told this story to my husband (who De Greek will attest to is my biggest 'athletic supporter'). He is enrolled in the class as well and never ceases to make my day as he runs ahead each class and shows me where the shallow end is and where the steps are - which of course invites many questions from the other swimmers as to why this guy is pointing out to his (obviously) 'befuddled' wife where the stairs are!

Of course this leads to a reenactment of the story by my 'athletic supporter' much to my further embarrassment! I have done nothing (so far) in the class to lead anyone to believe I am not Esther Williams in the flesh!

Okay - so I stubbed my toe on the bottom of the pool one night and I got my arm caught in the weight belt - those things could have happened to anyone! I also tried to sit on the side of the pool and accidentally lost my balance and fell on the sidewalk and then bounced into the pool - so what's not normal about THAT?

I maintain that it is extraneous events that are making me look like a total clod! I am really quite graceful and could have been a ballerina if I'd applied myself - especially in the water.

Probably more like the hippos dancing in Fantasia but oh well! At least I do not dive - I do have a few brain cells left!

I Was Here

I Can Identify!


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    • profile image

      Aria 5 months ago

      The main reason I love scuba diving is for the adventure, you don't know what it may happen or what you may find below the water surface. In the past years I've taken a lot of pictures which I store in the logbook, along with all my diving logs. It's cool that I can also search new dive spots or even add my own.

    • Marcel W profile image

      Marcel White 2 years ago

      Congratulations! I thought my hub True Funny Golf Stories was funny before I read yours. I got the impression that, for you, being funny is a way of life. To me it just happens by accident. Blessed!

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Kids Corner...I'm so very glad I could make you laugh. That would mean that I told the story exactly the way that I tell it in real life! I do enjoy making folks laugh most of all. I think you have gifted me!

    • Kids Corner profile image

      Kids Corner 7 years ago from Midwest

      I was laughing so hard everyone came into my office to see what was so funny. You are a wonderful story teller and I thoroughly enjoy reading your hubs!!! You can take an event and make the story hilarious - you are truly gifted... I am sorry for you mishap, but glad you recovered. Cheri

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks crystolite - glad you enjoyed it!

    • crystolite profile image

      Emma 7 years ago from Houston TX

      Funny stries,that i really enjoyed.thanks for sharing.

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks so much Arthur - for the read and for your very kind comments.....I do enjoy my comedic moments the most in writing!

    • arthurchappell profile image

      arthurchappell 7 years ago from Manchester, England

      You write with great style, and this reads like it would make a very good stand up comedy presentation, great observation on your embarrassments, the lecherous lads trying to swim-herd you round, etc - beautiful social observation

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Pcunix - She should read my skiing foibles and then she would not feel bad at ALL. My family and friends tend to take me along for the comedy factor...but I notice that they too stay way far away from me. It's fine for y'all to laugh don't ya know but pretending you don't know us, quite a different thing entirely! ha ha Thanks again for the read!

    • Pcunix profile image

      Tony Lawrence 7 years ago from SE MA

      My dear sister is also a klutz.

      She broke a leg skiing. I suppose that doesn't sound unusual, but she did it standing at the top off the hill - just turned to say something, stumbled, then fell over and broke her leg :)

      I love her dearly but tend to stay out of her way..

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks JB for stopping by and glad you liked it - thank goodness as well that I didn't break my bloody fool neck!

    • JohnBarret profile image

      JohnBarret 7 years ago

      Oh my, its funny but tkx God u are safe. Really good story.

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Jane - Thanks so much for stopping by and you are SO right...working in medicine I know the consequences of this stupid act better than most and am SOOO LUCKY!

    • janessecret profile image

      janessecret 7 years ago from Oz

      I think it's funny but a little scary at the same time, some people get unjured doing this very mistake . . .


    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Jtrader - Why didn't I think of that?? Excellent answer!

    • jtrader profile image

      jtrader 7 years ago

      Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini ;-)

      You should have given up on explaining and just said you got a leg cramp.

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks for stopping by and for the supreme compliment, majoringeekology!

    • majoringeekology profile image

      majoringeekology 7 years ago

      I love the way you told the story! Not exactly focusing on you but on your train of thought...if that makes sense! Excellent story! I laughed out loud!!

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Wayne, you may be onto something and I agree that religion does have its place - at times!

      Funny thing that though....I did become romantically involved with one of these 'fine' men and thankfully I called off the wedding! Yikes - it would have been a nightmare and I would most undoubtedly have ended up with a shoebox full of kids.

      Thankfully, that bonk on the head did change my life - or something did and I came to my senses...and then went on to wait a few years for my prince, Bob and married at the ripe old age of 21 - and had a half shoebox (3) of kiddies....and lived happily ever after.

      And they say things happen for a reason...I guess they do and I'm living proof. I'm only thankful I'm not a paraplegic typing this with a pencil between my teeth to tell you the truth!

    • Wayne Brown profile image

      Wayne Brown 7 years ago from Texas

      You know, as I read this, I thought that this might have been the dive that changed your life. Had you not dived into the shallow end and gained all the scrapes and bruises, the young men might have continued to pursue you until they absolutely wore down your will to resist. You then would have become romantically involved with one or more of them, ended up married at an early age with a shoebox full of kids. Yes...that dive might have saved your butt! See religion does have its place! WB

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Nickora - now that is too much! I'm surprised I didn't do that too though in retrospect! Thanks so much for the read! And watch those pool sides!!

    • nickora profile image

      nickora 7 years ago

      OMG that was so worth it! personally done the jumping in backwards and catching my chin upon entry scenario! OUch! lol

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks Pierce - kind of you to comment and it is all true!

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      P»i»e»r»c»E 7 years ago

      Haha! really funny, i like it very much!

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Yes, I imagine I was - probably still am in fact!

    • anonimuzz profile image

      anonimuzz 7 years ago from There

      You must have been a handful when you were young, even if accidentally =) Keep sharing your experiences, I'll keep reading them. You don't need to thank me for that.

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks, Anonimuzz for the read. That doesn't make sense to me either but then I live in a 1-horse town that doesn't even have a high school pool. We are currently using the outdoor pool but it is only open for 1 more week sadly and then it is a 45-minute drive one way to the pool. I guess I didn't know how good I had it with the pools. Unfortunately, the ocean floor doesn't help much - I still had mishaps there, too. Sadly, I love the water so it just must be my grace! Thanks again for stopping by.

    • anonimuzz profile image

      anonimuzz 7 years ago from There

      You are crazy! But on the other hand, you will have lots of interesting stories to share with your grandchildren, ehe. I've never had bad experiences in a pool. My only "issue" with them is not visiting them enough times to be satisfied. I don't understand how Lisbon has such a severe lack of good public pools when it's a city surrounded by water, with people that like being in the water. Beaches can't be that much better; at least I don't think so. Maybe you do... Sand is much softer to fall into than the pool floor!

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Warrenwater - thanks!

      WDC - It is a real sign I imagine but it is on flickr - the link is as above!

    • profile image

      waterproof digital camera 7 years ago

      I like the sign. Is it really sign or make it up.

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      warrenwater 7 years ago

      funny story

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks for stopping by grechille!

    • profile image

      grechille 7 years ago

      its funny

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks for stopping by, sameerk!

    • sameerk profile image

      sameerk 7 years ago from India

      nice hub

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thank you for reading lovekv.

    • lovekv profile image

      lovekv 7 years ago

      o my dear ii like this matter

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      No strangers on hubpages - thanks SO much for stopping by and for commenting. Glad I could give you a chuckle or two - that was my goal! Too bad it is all too true!

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      Chibuzo Melvin Mobis 7 years ago from Biafra

      I could not hold myself and i cracked my ribs while laughing to your funny experience but i hope you don't mind strangers...

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks, Prasetio - I live mostly to entertain folks. I do love to laugh and I love to give that gift to others. I'm only happy if I succeed in being funny! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

    • prasetio30 profile image

      prasetio30 7 years ago from malang-indonesia

      Really funny stories. I can't stop to laugh. I agree with Nell. I like Mr.Bean. Although I had seen this movie many times but I still love his character and funny face of course. Thanks for share with us. I vote this Up.


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      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks, nicks for stopping by. Poultry in motion actually was a phrase from a greeting card I received many, many years ago from my mom. My family is always teasing me about my gift for 'physical humor' - I seem to have a body that wants to act out comedy while my head tries to tell it to act 'normally'. Thanks so much for the comment!

    • profile image

      nicks 7 years ago

      Very good and I loved your description of being 'poultry in motion' - from 'birds of feather', I presume?

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks, Nell - isn't it totally crazy that we have so many 'Lucy' moments such as banging into things like fences and bottoms of pools - and doing the deed outside under the tree or on the tops of caravans? We must be living right though as nothing 'too bad' has happened to us both! Lordy - when I think of what could have happened to my head and neck - let alone my innocent 17-year-old face - not very good - but glad it was just a moment of embarrassment! Thanks for the kudos and for laughing with me as always!!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 7 years ago from England

      Hi, Audrey, I was giggling all the way through the story, that was so funny! I could just 'see' it as you were sashaying down to the pool and then plunging in! hee hee I am sorry you hurt yourself but, oh my God, that was hilarious! and I loved the mr Bean film i have seen it so many times and it still cracks me up, rated up with laughter, cheers nell

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Hi Bucky: Are you part of the motor impaired group as well? OMG - If I had half a brain I'd be dangerous - oh, I already am! I'm glad you enjoyed it and equally glad as I said that I am still here to tell the tale. It really is embarrassing though to have to wear a helmet to the pools. Stay tuned though - unfortunately I have a couple more water stories and for some reason, they are 'swimming to the top' this summer! Thanks for stopping by!

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      sunflowerbucky 7 years ago from Small Town, USA

      Oh Audrey, I think we may be related somehow. Thanks for sharing your stories as they make me laugh and feel like I have a kindred spirit!

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thank you, Girish1000 for stopping by!

    • Girish1000 profile image

      Girish1000 7 years ago from India

      nice hub

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Katie - you just never know who I could be related to - so little is known so if I'm related to Bean, I would just laugh and say it figures! I'm glad I could be your hoot for the day....unfortunately for y'all, I've got a million more stories to go and just not enough hours in the days or fingers to type it all very quickly! Thanks so much for reading!

    • katiem2 profile image

      katiem2 7 years ago from I'm outta here

      Oh my you are a hoot, still rolling and BEAN is too funny as well, how can anyone be so innocently hilarious, your not related to him are you? LOL :)

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Thanks for reading, Spanky - too true on the Olympic swim team - but I would look so gorgeous and sexy in my swim suit with a helmet!

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      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Buckie, I do love the way you spin a tale! This was so funny, and you made me picture the entire scenario! Please don't try out for the Olympic swim team any time soon. lol

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      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Pamela - that would be SO marvelous - except that we would have to stay all day and into dinnertime - then reserve a room and get up and start again the following morning at breakfast! Or you would just have to spend the night here - and maybe about a week!! I could make all my 'favorite healthy recipes' as well.

      Actually, now that I started putting all these to 'paper' so to speak, I am kinda getting the REAL picture of just how big a klutz I must truly be - and I see now why Bob has stuck with me all these years - it is the laugh factor! Oy vey and all that - and I'm not even Jewish!

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      Pamela Oglesby 7 years ago from United States

      Audry, I am sorry you got hurt but I am having some difficulty in trying to stop laughing. I would love to live near you and go to lunch just to listen to all your wild experiences. This was a wonderfully funny hub. It is important to be able to laugh at ourselves.

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      HH - Thanks for stopping in and I'm SO glad I could give you a laugh! That's what life is all about as far as I'm concerned.

      Sandy - Thanks to you for stopping in - and yes, I am definitely not graceful material!

      Crewman - I bounce very well - in life as well as other avenues! I always seem to manage to just cause a bit of a disaster but not get terribly wounded - this is a good thing. Thanks SO much for the kudos on the comedy story writing. You would think I would have to make things up but unfortunately, I have many, many more to tell and they are ALL my own making! I love writing comedy most of all too to tell the truth!

      Mysterylady - That is truly frightening! I used to go out beyond the breakers in San Diego when I was a wee girl and never thought a thing about it - now I'm truly reverent of the ocean - and now pools! Glad you were okay!! Thanks for reading.

      Myawn - Thanks for stopping by! That was really cute wasn't it? I just love a good laugh and whatever life hands me, I try to make a funny out of it if I can - and Lucy was the best at it!

    • myawn profile image

      myawn 7 years ago from Florida

      I love the Lucy video. Your story is so funny and good.I'm glad you didn't get hurt worse sounds scary.

    • mysterylady 89 profile image

      mysterylady 89 7 years ago from Florida

      AK, we are so much alike. I came close to drowning twice. Once was in a neighborhood pool when I was a kid and somehow ended up in the deep end. My big sister had to push me over to the ropes. The next time was at girl scout camp where I almost drowned in the creek. In Florida I show GREAT respect for the ocean.

      Great humor! Great hub!

    • Crewman6 profile image

      Crewman6 7 years ago

      I just couldn't stop chuckling- you have an incredible sense of the funny side of life! Except for when you scraped through your shallow dive. Had me cringing, thinking about how much that must have hurt. Glad you got over it. And I'm really glad you make me laugh so much. You're a great writer, and your comedy writing is far and away my favorite.

    • Sandyspider profile image

      Sandy Mertens 7 years ago from Wisconsin, USA

      Funny story. I can identify with the elephant slide and the hippo dancing.

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 7 years ago from London, UK

      Knowing that you didn't hurt yourself seriously; I had a good laugh. Thank you.

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Oh Dim, you are too funny! I believe poultry in motion was on a greeting card I received from none other than my own MOTHER years ago! That about says it all right there! I shall have to think on the my cup did NOT runneth over! I don't think I've seen that or heard that before - but I shall have to certainly was true! Thanks for reading.....

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 7 years ago from UK

      Now I am telling you, You Insane Person: If you don’t copyright ‘poultry in motion’ and “my cup did NOT runneth over”, I stealing them and my God have mercy on my soul! :-)))

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      BJ - Your kudos are like a wonderful gift I have just opened for myself - you are too kind! I do love writing comedy and fortunately for me, I have a vast array of stories to draw from - all real life! What is that about? Oh well - I live, therefore I laugh!

      I told my kids that diving story so many times I think they wanted to put a gag in my mouth! I do lots of rehab reports and diving incidents like mine quite often have a horrendous outcome - I was very, very lucky! Whew~!

      I actually was crying while I watched Lucy in the tank with the dolphins - I was marveling at how brave she was to attempt it - and of course it HAD to turn out hysterically. She was a great lady and I am always honored when my friends call me Lucy. More water stories to come - it seems 1 story sparks the memory of yet another one!

      MT - I love to laugh and therefore I feel I must spread this good feeling to others. It is very convenient that I have such 'luck' in my life with being funny even when I'm trying to be suave. I have since given up suave and decided I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam! Thanks so much for commenting and your empathy for me!

      CM - It's always been tough for me to be confident about certain girlie things and not sure why! It's just part of who I am - but I did learn early on if you could just laugh at yourself and go on (no matter what), it beats feeling embarrassed about it all! Thanks for stopping by and so glad you enjoyed my little 'escapade'. More to come as I have more water stories! I think the heat is making me think of beaches and pools!

    • carolina muscle profile image

      carolina muscle 7 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      Haha... it's tough acting relaxed and casual when you're feeling so self conscious! what a funny story. Thanks!!

    • profile image

      Minnetonka Twin 7 years ago

      I enjoyed this story so much probably because we all do funny things like this from time to time. Who hasn't made a spectacle of themselves in life. I laughed so hard at this. I too am very happy you didn't end up in a wheelchair. Thanks for the videos too. I love your sense of humor. Rated up and funny

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 7 years ago from south Florida

      Now you've found your niche, Audrey. I read every single word of your narrative - every single frenetically funny word, and you were born to write comedy - as well as perform it, albeit unknowingly.

      I suffered with you every moment during that diving fiasco and am so happy you didn't do more severe damage to yourself. A damaged image is severe enough.

      The Lucy video was hysterical - I'm imagining you in her place. Thanks for the romp. Write more.

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Oh Charlie, you qwack me up! I wish - and then we could retire to a nice little island - with a pool hopefully! Where I could frolic to my heart's content with my net. What's absolutely crazy is that these things actually happened (happen) to me and I sometimes think I'm going to run out of stories - but I have but touched the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Stay tuned funny Valentine!

    • profile image

      ralwus 7 years ago

      Well, this will keep me from sleeping tonight. You are quite the story teller. You should do screen writing.

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      SG - You are too kind! That is my goal after all - if I can make you laugh, mission accomplished....even if it is at my own (usually) expense. These things have been happening to me since I was little and I fear they shall go on indefinitely. Where would I be though without the 'Audrey tales?' Thanks so much for reading!

    • profile image

      SilverGenes 7 years ago

      I can't rate this up high enough! OMG this is too funny! We are leaving out the mangled part and as saddlerider said, thank goodness you didn't do serious damage BUT your description of the whole thing had me on the floor!

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Washington

      Amen, Ken! Later in life - a mere 1 year later, I started doing medical transcription and got into medicine where I've remained ever since. I look back on that and say wow - I must have had a guardian angel (so to speak) looking out for me that day!

      I since gave up the religion - I think they were relieved to see me go to be honest! And the boys, they were just being boys as I later learned and it was 'all good' as the kids say. I learned though to try to just be myself - sans nylons - good plan!

      Yes, Mr. Bean cracks me up anyhow - and he was priceless in that particular routine. I should try and search for one of Lucy swimming!

      Thanks so much for the kudos...and see ya on the flip side...there is always one for me!

    • saddlerider1 profile image

      saddlerider1 7 years ago

      Oh my this is so funny, not the fact that you hurt yourself and thank goodness you didn't break your neck like many do and end up in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives, but what led up to it and what transpired afterwords, hilarious. I also like the part with the nylon stockings, I would have been the brat kid who would have tugged on it and pulled it from your bra. LOL

      And then to add Mr Bean to the mix, well that just slew it for me, I was laughing out loud. I rate this UP fer sure.


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