Five Dumbest Ways to Use a Time Machine
No Regrets? You're a liar.
"If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a single thing."
Lets face it, all of us have made stupid, selfish, and rash decisions in life that have carelessly harmed those we care about. If you go back and time without changing anything you've done to harm others? Well congratulations, now you're a double jackass for doing each bad thing you've ever done twice. That's right, I said double jackass.
For the sake of argument, let's say you can get all Dr. Who on us and get your hands on a time machine. This article goes over the 5 biggest mistakes you can make while surfing the space/ time continuum.
Don't Put Yourself Through This.
5. Going back to Junior High
The world is in denial about who they used to be. As you move into and through adulthood, you'll often find that you'll meet a lot of similar people. Former prom kings and queens, people who were most popular kids in school,the ex the cool tough kid, past all conference basketball players, class presidents, and honors scholars.
I've realized that many of us have been lying to ourselves and everyone else.
Since ignorance is bliss, I suggest you don't travel back in time to expose yourself to the awkward truth.
For your sake, PLEASE stay away from Jr. High.
You don't need to watch yourself be painfully rejected from the dance, or watch the books get slapped out of your hand, or inhale your wafting farts as the cute girl behind you holds her nose. You won't have to look on in horror as the school bully steals your 75 cents for soda and twists your nipples like lug nuts.
Ladies, its bad enough having pictures. Do you really need to have a live movie of yourself with acne and braces talking like Shelly from South Park?
It will ruin you forever. There's a reason why life happens in first person.
4. Not Betting on Sports
It's 2013, everyone's strapped for cash, and costs are through the roof in America.
All the more reason for you to bet on sports in the past.
Go ahead and take the Pistons over the Lakers in 2004, bet on Anderson Silva to lose to Weidman, bet on Namath's Jets to beat Unitas' Colts in the Super Bowl.
Or, simply go back and stop yourself from ever betting on the Cubs.
Either was, it would be irresponsible for you to avoid the opportunity of a lifetime, while simultaneously bankrupting the mob. Consider it charity.
3. Messing with Jesus
Whatever ideas you have about having buttered scones and tea with the Son of Man, go ahead and let them go.
The guy has to go and die for humanity's sins. If you get all paparazzi and distract him, maybe everyone goes to Hell.
Then, not only will you get a sulfur bath, but your cell mates will be just thrilled with you when you get down there. You better had better hope that you don't have to bunk with Big Bubba down in D Block.
In sum, don't jack around with Jesus.
If you do, at least bring a camera so we can finally see what he looks like, though.
Being a Peasant Blows.
2. Chilling in the Dark Ages
As much as you may want to be a Lord or a Lady and enjoy your name day feast, I'd like to draw your attention to some other popular conventions of the Dark Ages.
To name a few: bubonic plague, no plumbing, music made with harps, in-bred murderous kings, the most evil church administration ever, high taxes, and no Wendy's Frosty available at any location, even select locations in the continental U.S.
Because in the Dark Ages, there wasn't Wendy's. Dave Thomas hadn't even been born yet!
So don't go back to the Dark Ages, unless you feel like being a disease ridden peasant and slaving away all day for a bowl of porridge or gruel. I don't even know what gruel is.
1. Mundane Uses
The final stupid use of a time machine is for mundane, daily tasks.
Have some imagination, will you?
Some mundane, dull uses of a time machine:
- Going back to pay your cable bill on time
- Going back to return books to the library, back when people used books from libraries
- Going back to study for a test
- Going back to drink milk before it expires
- Going back to vote in any state but Ohio or Florida
- Going back to watch golf or NASCAR
- Going back and seeing any Adam Sandler movie after Big Daddy
If you had a time machine, what would be the crappiest place to accidentally end up?
And There May Be Dumber Yet...
In finality, if you receive a time machine, remember that this is a rare opportunity. Please don't waste it on something frivolous and short sighted.
And please, if you have any other retarded uses for a time machine, please toss them in the comment box.