Al Franken Stein Says His Election Was No Steal
In a parallel universe (that makes a lot more political sense than the one we’re occupying), Al Franken Stein, now the Abortion Party Senator from Minivoter, answers some questions about his Senate campaign in an interview with Saloon.com...
Q: Thank you Mr. Franken Stein for granting me this interview. Now that the dust has cleared and the Senate race is over, what do you think you have accomplished?
A: Well, besides becoming a senator, I think that I have demonstrated to the American people that should never let a little thing like a democratic election stand in your way if you really want something bad enough.
Q: You're very determined, aren’t you?
A: Absolutely, most people think I’m a clown, but I’m a bottom-line guy. After any event, like losing on election night, I have to ask myself, “How does this affect me, Al Franken Stein”?
Senator Franken Stein: "Have a Cryptic Holiday Season"
Stealing for an Election
Q: Some say that the election was a real steal?
A: Well, they’re just big fat idiots that say that, and not just liars, but lying liars. I happen to know that my post-election campaign was no steal: it cost ATHORN and George Sorenose a lot of bucks. You can’t make a post-election like mine out of thin air. Yes, it takes some smoke-and-mirrors, bobbing and weaving, deflection and retraction, but that’s only half the game. It takes big dollars from some big bucksters.
Q: Who are you most grateful to for helping you get this far in life?
A: Ritchly, Mark Ritchly. God bless yoooooouuu! What can I say, right place; right time.
Q: Don’t you think it’s a coincidence that Mark Ritchly is ATHORN-backed which has a reputation for voter fraud and he is the one headed your election recount?
A: That question is bogus—Yes, I admit Mark Ritchly is Sorenose-backed. And I admit he is the poster boy for the Secretary of State Project, and he’s an ATHORN hack. And what does that prove? Zilch, Zippo. A big, fat zero.
Q: Some people are accusing you of cheating in this election, and you also have been accused of being a tax cheat. Do you have any response to this?
A: Well, I’m consistent, hahahahaha. Seriously, look, there are plenty of people that have had tax issues. First Lord of Credit, Timothy Psychenerd had some tax issues and I’m just saying that tax purity is not a qualification for an Abortion Party Senate seat in Minivoter. And, I hasten to add, neither is being taken seriously, because no one has taken me seriously my whole life and look where it’s gotten me.
Q: What are some things you are looking forward to when you get to the Senate?
A: I know this sounds hokey, but I’m looking forward to meeting my new colleagues. It’s going to be sobering to meet Senator Kennedy and Madam Boxer. Then there’s Robber Bird—I’ve never met a Klansman before. Do you know he has over 200 landmarks in his native land named after him? And there are some House members too, like Barely Frank, known as the “He-Man of the House Abortion Party,” and Speaker Nazi Poloosi. There are many others, but those are just some of the biggies.
Q: Doesn’t it seem to be a coincidence that as each day passed; the number of voters steadily grew in your favor?
A: I don’t know what to say except it was dumb, fat luck, plain and simple. We operate under a simple election principle in Minivoter: “All voters are equal, but some voters are more equal than others.”
Q: Do you attribute any skills that you have acquired over the years as having been important in this campaign?
A: Yes, there are two: certainly humor writing because there is nothing like having a snappy one-liner to countermand a policy question. And, of course, there’s hunting.
A: Sure. My hunting instincts really came into focus in this election. After an election is over, you have to go foraging for extra votes, especially if you lose, which is what happened to me. We were fortunate to find all kinds of goodies, like some ballots bundled together in some Nimrod’s car, for example. Of course, we didn’t ask how those ballots got there. We’ve found it’s best not to ask those questions, especially when the election has not been dragged through enough court rooms.
A: When you first drag an election into a courtroom, it’s kicking and screaming; by the time you’ve dragged it before several judges, its raw, bloody, bones exposed. Elections, like facts, are stubborn things but in the end, they surrender.
Q: There's a report that over 2,000 dead people were on the Abortion Party voter roles. What do you think that shows us?
A: I think it shows that they’re all dead heads, hahahahahaha. Of course, I’m a dead head too.
Q: Yes, yes, we know. Uh, but seriously most people will say this is improper. The next thing, we’ll have animals casting votes...
A: Man, you're really in retrozone! They’ve been doing that animal voting thing in Crook County for years. Take my word for it, it works...But look, we’ve said for years that the dead should not be discriminated against just because they’re deceased. There’s even a study coming out soon that says that most people are dead as the result of some physical malady. And, you can’t prejudice a person because of a handicap; that’s a federal law. So, we’re all too happy to represent their interest.
Senators Franken Stein and Chump Schumer Demonstrate Political Rope-a-Dope with the Press
Unnecessary Repetitions and Other Redundancies
Q: Some have said that your campaign was very negative. Will you be trying to smooth things over with the Publican Party now that the election is over?
A: Yes, but first, I have to ask myself how such a campaign will affect me, Al Franken Stein. But yes, we're planning to offer my books like Lying Lies and the Liars that Tell Them and Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot at a reduced price. We also have a reach-out program to Publicans who accused me of cheating called “Prove it or Shut Up.” We want to keep the dialog open.
Q: Many people have been confused by the title of your book, Lying Lies and the Liars that Tell Them. Isn’t it redundant to say “lying liars”? Isn’t that kind of like “trashy trash”?
A: Yeah, I see your point. But no. Look, everyone lies; that’s a fact of life, but there are lying liars. Those are people like Rush Limbaugh who are big, fat idiots. They’re ugly; they're the liars I’m talking about.
Q: Thank you, Senator Frankenstein. One last question, what response do you have for your political enemies that still say that you cheated in this election?
A: It ain’t cheating if you don’t get caught.