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Funniest Lawyer Jokes and Quotes

Updated on February 12, 2012

One thing every lawyer has to get used when first passing the bar is a constant barrage of lawyer jokes by friends and acquaintances. Some lawyers hate to be made fun of and find such jokes to be be rude, but I don't take myself that seriously. I love a good lawyer joke and never take it personal. I made a list of my favorite lawyer jokes and quotes. If you have any good ones, please share!

  • "Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, its a shame to wake him."--Patrick Reagan
  • "Law school taught me one thing: how to take two situations that are exactly the same and show how they are different."--Hart Pomerantz
  • "I don't want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do: I hire him to tell me how to do what i want to do."--J.P. Morgan
  • "They say talk is cheap--until you get a lawyer involved."--Patrick Reagan
  • "Lawyers are in the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed."--Robert Lucky
  • "My daddy is a movie actor and sometimes he plays the good guy and sometimes he plays the lawyer."--Harrison Ford's son (kids say the darndest things!)
  • "A lawyer is someone who approaches every subject with an open mouth."--Patrick Reagan
  • "If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them."--Patrick Reagan
  • "When you go to court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."--Norm Crosby
  • "What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they're boring."--Patrick Reagan
  • "Nothing could be more boring than an absolutely accurate movie about the law."--Roger Ebert
  • "Two very rich people get divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever after."--Patrick Reagan
  • A lawyer charged a man for legal services. After the client left, the lawyer realized he had been overpaid by $100. "This is a real ethical dilemma," the lawyer said to himself. "Should I tell my partner?"


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    • Blawger profile image

      Bahin Ameri 5 years ago from California

      Thank you for the compliment. I will definitely check out the book you recommended because as I mentioned, I love a great lawyer joke. I think people should be able to laugh at themselves, especially lawyers!

    • Perspycacious profile image

      Demas W Jasper 5 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Check out Kate McBride's Irish jokes (funny, funny!) Perhaps the two of you can come up with a Irish Lawyer joke, or she may even have one or two. Thanks for sharing these. Your writing has improved in the past 6 months since this was written.

    • rfmoran profile image

      Russ Moran 5 years ago from Long Island, New York

      Good stuff. And I'm a lawyer!

    • Blawger profile image

      Bahin Ameri 5 years ago from California

      Thanks for reading! I'm glad you got a good laugh :)

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      So funny and I had a good laugh reading through these quotes. Thanks for the smile at the end of my day.