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Funniest Quotes Ever - Funny Quotes - Top Funniest Quotes

Updated on July 30, 2014

Quotes

All over social media there are quotes describing someone's day or how they are feeling at that time. In fact quotes have been booming lately especially when used with an image of some sort. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't read at least twenty different quotes on my social media accounts. Why are so many people using quotes again today? Well, sometimes using a quote is a much easier way to describe how you are feeling. Instead of using your own words, an individual can use another person's quote to say how they are feeling. A quote is something that is short and to the point but has a lot of meaning. I have compiled a list of the funniest quotes. You can use them on social media websites, with co-workers, or just in a moment when you need a good laugh. Sometimes its just fun to read a laugh out loud quote and to find the humor in the words. I have included the source of the quotes when I was able to find the source. Read and Enjoy!

Funny Relationship Quotes

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter


"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition" Marilyn Monroe


"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."


"Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up." Anonymous


"If your husband is amazing, call your doctor and let them know you've found the correct dose of your medication"




Family Quotes

"Where there's a will, there's 5 greedy relatives willing to fight over it"



"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeneres



"I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".




Social and Political Quotes

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."


"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."


"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back" Oscar Wilde


My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." Dave Berry


"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving" Henny Youngman


"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." Flip Wilson


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde


"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty." Norm Crosby


"America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight." Anonymous


"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." Franklin P. Jones


"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it." Bob Hope


"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy." Jerry Seinfeld


"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason." Jose Maria de Eca de Queiroz


"Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes." Bob Thaves


"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." Demetri Martin


"When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them" Lisa Kennedy Montgomery



"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." Winston Churchill


"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it." George Carlin


"Being stupid is no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad for example I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad." Sheldon Cooper


"I am not saying kill all the stupid people, just get rid of the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out"


“You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” Bob Hope


“Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.” Ogden Nash


"Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce." Unknown


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    • momsdoworkathome profile image

      Katina Davenport 2 years ago from Michigan

      !

    • incomeguru profile image

      Oyewole Folarin 2 years ago from Lagos

      When the day is somehow boring, we need funny quotes like this to make the day more lively. At the same time it can get someone inspired. Thanks for sharing!

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