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Funny Prayers

Updated on July 4, 2010


Before you start spamming me with hateful comments I'd just like to to say that I warned you.
This hub about funny prayers is not for people who get offended easily, this hub about prayers is for atheists and religious people who can take a joke and have a sense of humour.
Tread wisely, ye be warned

Jesus found this hilarious
Jesus found this hilarious

The Fun stuff

Food prayers.

The classic prayers

"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God."
"Good bread, good meat, good God, let's eat."

Less known prayers

"Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost, whoever eats the fastest gets the most."
"God is great, God is good, let us eat this tasty food"
"We paid for all this food ourselves, so thanks for nothing God." - Homer J. Simpson
"Dear God, my tummies a-rumbling so I'll stop this mumbling, let's eat!"

Long food prayer

"Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.


Misc. prayers

"Dear Lord,

Help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. EST.

Help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them are hypersensitive.
Help me to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions, even though they're usually not my fault.
Help me to not try to run everything - but, if you need some help, please feel free to ask me.
Help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it exactly right.
Help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
Give me patience, and I mean right now!
Help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
Help me to finish everything I sta
Help me to keep my mind on one thing ... oh, look, a bird ... at a time.
Help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?
Keep me open to others' ideas, misguided though they may be.
Help me follow established procedures. Hey, wait ... this is wrong ...
Help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatido.
Thank you, Lord.
Amen "

"Here I sit all broken hearted, I came to poop but only farted.
I came here to poop and stink, but all I do is sit and think.


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    • GalaxyRat profile image

      GalaxyRat 7 months ago from The Crazy Rat Lady's House

      Christian. These are very funny! I laughed except at the Simpson one. All the others had me bursting a gut!

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      Evgenii 22 months ago

      Asking you for financial assistance. Trouble. I pray to you... Zadorin Eugene A. my account: Russia, Novosibirsk. Sberbank of Russia account No. 42307.810.8.4405.2402489 internal structural unit No. 8047/00281.

    • profile image

      wensca 5 years ago


    • profile image

      arshdee 5 years ago

      your one funny dude keep it up

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      Pocket 5 years ago

      I used to believe in Athiesm, but I lost my faith in it. If God didn't like a good laugh none of us would be here. I reckon He deserves a beer!

    • profile image

      Lollypop 5 years ago

      This is Funny! I sure am glad that God has a good sense of humor ! And a good one at that!

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      devout and irreverent 6 years ago

      That long prayer was funny! Reminds of something I found on tumblr. If you grew up Catholic, you know what this one's talking about.


      I have already spoken with Jesus about this.

      He told me that I should love You with all my heart, mind, and soul (I already do, I swear) and that I should treat people the way I want them to treat me.

      Dear Lord, You and I both know that he’s cool and all because he learned from the best of course, but let’s face it, I don’t exactly know how this is relevant to my situation.

      So he says to tell you that maybe you could all get together and talk about it:

      a) When the Holy Spirit is available (which I am told would be during the next Confirmation),

      b) Anytime starting from the weekend where he hooks up with John and the disciple bros, they seal the deal with a Baptism, and then attend that wedding where he takes care of the wine like a Boss (like Father like Son), and ending before the Tuesday when he goes to the Garden to talk to you all emotional,

      c) Preferably on Thursdays to favor the Luminous Mysteries, because he’s too young to do anything during the Joyful ones, he gets pretty vulnerable and indisposed during the Sorrowful Mysteries, and on days reserved for the Glorious ones he’ll be too busy partying.

      He also says that if I feel like nothing’s happening and I get too depressed, I could ask to Mary to remind you Guys about me."

    • profile image

      RAM 6 years ago

      OMG you need more but not food try something else

    • profile image

      Josh 6 years ago

      Soooooo! Funny

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      Steve 6 years ago

      Hmmm - my link was all messed up with that last post :(

    • profile image

      Steve 6 years ago

      Some are funny - but I have seen all of these elsewhere...

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      rosemary 7 years ago

      im catholic and it is funny but not that funny some or it is shite

    • profile image

      RAM 7 years ago

      I am Catholic and lmao.

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      AJ 7 years ago

      I'm sure the end of the beer one is traditionally "barmen", but kudos on the list :D

    • Dense profile image

      Dense 7 years ago from somewhere in a concrete jungle, hugging a green plastic tree, and wondering what happened

      More! More!

    • Raspatsu profile image

      Raspatsu 7 years ago

      lol funny

    • Tara Tufford profile image

      Tara Tufford 7 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

      Although I am not an Athiest..I did find some humor in this article:)