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Funny Pun – Number Five

Updated on November 18, 2011

Funny Pun – Number Five

Artie and the Mob

Artie worked in a grocery store,

He earned very little at his job.

The guys he grew up with had money,

They all were members of the Mob.


Artie sold vegetables and fruits,

At work he wore t-shirt and jeans.

His friends all wore three-piece suits

They looked like gentlemen of means.


Artie admired the ‘wise guys,’

Al Capone and Bugsy Siegel.

He dreamed of being a hit man

Though he knew that was illegal.


Artie’s best childhood friend, Rocco,

Was a big Mafia guy with charm.

He sported a huge diamond ring

And a gorgeous moll on his arm.


He wore silk suits with a silk tie,

And drove a Maserati sports car.

Artie confided in him one day,

“I want to be what you are.


“Your pockets are full of coin

I envy the life that you lead.

So tell me, how can I join?

Where do I go? What do I need?”

“You join the Mafia, kid?

“Did you ever shoot a gun?

Are you just making a joke

And having a little fun?”


“No, no, I am deadly serious

Although I never owned a gun.

But I stabbed a guy in a fight

And from trouble I will not run.”


So friend Rocco tells Artie,

“I can see that you are dead set.

Ever kill anyone for money?”

“No,” says Artie. “That is, not yet!”

“If you are not a born Mafioso

You must kill someone for money.”

Artie – “How much will you pay?”

“I don’t pay. Are you being funny?”


Artie – “C’mon, just pay me a dollar.”

Rocco – “Tell you what I will do,

First, you must kill somebody,

Anybody. I do not care who.


“Then give me all the details.

If I see it in the paper or TV

I will pay you one dollar

Without any agent’s fee.”

Artie's Role Models

Al Capone
Al Capone
Bugsy Siegel
Bugsy Siegel

Artie then runs to a nearby Mart,

So excited he’s out of breath.

Sees an old woman with a cart,

Grabs her and chokes her to death.


A bag boy sees what happened

And chases Artie right to the door.

Artie turns and chokes him, too.

So what. It’s only one more.


Does he become a Mafia guy?

Of course, Artie played his part.

The newspaper headline says why:

‘Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar … at the Mart.’


Definition of a pun: a short joke followed by a long groan.

© Copyright BJ Rakow, Ph.D. 2011. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So"

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    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Love you, too, Sharyn. As long as you continue to find these puns funny, that is. No apology necessary. Just remember: it takes one to know one! Heh, heh.

    • Sharyn's Slant profile image

      Sharon Smith 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

      dr,

      These funny puns are really great and cause a big groan too! I refuse to use the descriptive word I've used for you lately in fear that you will take it to heart.

      Oh, wait a minute, forget that.

      NUT!

      With love,

      Sharyn

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Can't have you way behind, snakeslane, that will never do. Look forward to your catching up comments. Thanks for the lovely comment. 'Stylish'? Who knew? Thank you, my dear.

    • snakeslane profile image

      snakeslane 5 years ago from Canada

      I see I am way behind drbj, so looking forward to more groaners from you. Most stylish puns I've ever seen! Regards, snakeslane

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Twisting everything you say, Kelly. Yeah, that's what dragons do I'm told. It can be tiresome but so much better than breathing fire on you when you're not even cold.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      OOh, John, you made my day. Two disparate groans from one person? My stein runneth over.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      TR a PJ,

      I am training my Dragon. As you can see, voice-recognition can be a problem for the Dragon. So right I would never want to take it to play craps who knows what it might say. The Dragon might need some counseling! It is very presumptuous and always twisting everything I say!

    • John MacNab profile image

      John MacNab 5 years ago from the banks of the St. Lawrence

      Och No! I fell for it again drbj. Did you hear me groaning? I'm now groaning at your reply to nicomp.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      I've bean waiting, nicomp, for that invitation,

      A salad together just can not be beet.

      Lettuce go and find the salad station,

      Together we can healthfully eat.

      I romaine, yours truly.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Your poem touched my heart,

      I love a sappy ballad.

      Your pun was keen and smart,

      But now I'm craving salad.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Now you tell me, nicomp.

      You should have said something before.

      Perhaps I could have saved those two

      From dying on the market's floor.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Martie, my dear friend,

      Artie, the mob guy would never say

      That your life is worth

      Only half a dollar ... no way!

      He would hold out for

      At least a Queen's ransom

      As well as a thoroughbred

      Horse-drawn hansom.

      Thank you for your poetic visit, m'luv.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Your hero was an evil dude,

      I'd prefer a rabid canine .

      His victim paid a heavy price,

      She should have ordered online.

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 5 years ago from South Africa

      So my life is worth half a dollar -

      less than that of a small potato

      In Artie’s Fruit-and-vegetable-store -

      Give him to me I’m a chef scholar

      Will dish him up as man-in-sweet-tomato

      to be devoured by Queen-Kong the supa-....

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Kelly - the most famous Roadkill Cafe still exists today on the famous Route 66, in Seligman, Arizona. There may be other small cafes with that name but the Arizona spot is renowned. Folks tell me although the menu is disgusting, the food is fairly tasty. Not my cup of tea, though.

      Have a marvelous time in Vegas, my dear, and do not let your dragon anywhere near the crap tables. He'll lose his scales!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Lol! Did you know that there is a restaurant somewhere (and I wasn't interested enough to know where) but it's called "Roadkill Cafe". All the entres are a disgusting visual! Did no one have the foresight to see that thinking about ordering some dead chicken makes you NOT hungry? Don't know if it's still open? Lol

      Well I should have that dragon properly trained when I'm back from Vegas...wonder what else he'll learn to say!

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Fascinated, Kelly, that you have an educable dragon. Wherever did you find him ... her? As for the request to link, please link away with my blessings.

      Happy you enjoy artichokes. As for myself, I refuse to eat anything that alludes to murder in its name such as artichokes, roadkill, etc.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      No mercy, no quarter, Will. Groans to my puns are sustenance. Thank you for your contribution.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Drbj - I am so soft in the head sometimes:). I not only read this poem last night - but I used it to try to train my Dragon. He's a slow learner but he's getting there. I would love to link this to my next one if it's ok?

      I love artichokes too:) a two for one is a bargain! Lol

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      There are a few punsters

      Among friends that I've known

      Who go to extremes

      To elicit their groans

      Have you no mercy?

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Thank you, b.M, it's my pleasure to see you here. Yes, I have watched 'Boardwalk Empire," and it is engrossing. That Steve Buscemi is such a believable actor. I'm sure the Jersey fellas would love this hub since they enjoyed my "Interview with Al Capone." And my "Interview with Bonnie and Clyde."

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      As usual a GOOD one DRBJ...Do you ever watch "Boardwalk Empire"...We Love it hear in Jersey...They Would have Loved this One!

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Lynda - You have the gift of succinct statements. Thank you.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Nice to make your acquaintance, mikielikie, and happy you enjoyed this. Now you only have to read Funny Poems One thru Four to catch up. Happy groaning!

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Hi, Derdriu, Lately there seem to be two immutable truths about Hubpages: you will publish one of your fish tales and I will publish a funny groanful pun. Eventually I may run out of puns. But you, not to worry, m'dear, there are always more fish in the sea. Sorry to change your view of artichokes. That could fade in time. And thanks for the 'Double ouch, double groan' and the Up - just what I was hoping for!

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Thank you, JR, for the visit. You look forward to the next? That's funny, so do I. Haven't a clue yet which revered pun I will attempt to destroy. :)

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      You loved it, Dex, and you groaned, and you voted up and away. What more could I ask, my new BFF?

      Thank you for suggesting my type of humor can't be taught in today's schools. That's true. But I once did after a manner of speaking. The college course was called Assertive Behavior for Business and it was pretty funny according to my evals. And I do get students applying for over-subscribed courses at "Fokk University." Take a look if you haven't already visited. :)

    • lmmartin profile image

      lmmartin 5 years ago from Alberta and Florida

      "OOOOHHHHH!"

    • mikielikie profile image

      mikielikie 5 years ago from Texas

      Really enjoyed this poem. Great job!

    • profile image

      Derdriu 5 years ago

      drbj: Double ouch, double groan! And to think that artichokes are one of my favorite vegetables. They never will look the same.

      Thank you, voted up, etc.,

      Derdriu

    • profile image

      JRocco 5 years ago

      Excellent Pun. Keep them coming. I look forward to reading the next.

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image

      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Dr. BJ! I love it. Just love it. Groooaaaannn!! Voted up, up and away! Your type of humor just can't be taught in schools - at least not in today's schools!!!

    • zzron profile image

      zzron 5 years ago from Houston, TX.

      Really cool hub, I really enjoyed it and the best to you over the holidays!

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Thank you, Alastar, for appreciating Artie's efforts to be a member of the Mob,

      He just didn't have the smarts to stay out of the limelight after doing the job.

      Thanks for the 'witty pun,' too.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      I can understand your feelings, pd. You are absolutely right. He should have charged $2 - a dollar for each one. Then again it may have been a price for quick disposal. Heh, heh.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Thank you for the repeat visit, my dear, and the 'brilliant.' And nothing you could ever write would be stupid. So there!

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Thank you, Ruby, for echoing Epi, delighted I make you laugh. That's my prime goal every day and it starts first thing in the morning when I laugh ... at my reflection in the mirror. I often have to look up words, too, but have difficulty sometimes finding them. Could it be I spell them incorrectly? Nah!

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      I'll try to keep them coming for you, anginwu, as long as the muse stays functional and the 'twist' doesn't uncurl. Thank you for the up, m'dear.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      My best regards and hugs to your nephew, Elle. He is obviously a chap with superior intelligence and well-honed discretion. And I'm "one of your all-time faves?" My cup runneth over. You two have brightened MY day immeasurably!

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Your first experience, VioletSun? Then you only have 4 more 'groaning' puns to go to catch up ... for now. Thank you for the up.

    • Alastar Packer profile image

      Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Delighted by Artie's attempt to be a Wise Guy; and my oh my, what a witty pun to remember him by!

    • psychicdog.net profile image

      psychicdog.net 5 years ago

      thanks drbj - I was starting to feel for Artie until he chocked two for a dollar - that's a cheap act. LOL

    • christopheranton profile image

      Christopher Antony Meade 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

      I' glad you got my comment. I was afraid you might think I was being stupid. It was a brilliant pun BTW.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      What would we do without your pun/jokes/stories/wit/? Epi said it all. You make me laugh with your rhyming words. Sometimes i 'gotta look 'em up. and they 'ain't in the dictionary, but Google always comes through.HaHa

    • anglnwu profile image

      anglnwu 5 years ago

      Keep them coming--love your pun poem. They always come with a twist. Thanks and rated up.

    • RedElf profile image

      RedElf 5 years ago from Canada

      Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Thanks you so much - you are one of my all-time favs here on HubPages, and my nephew, who ADORES puns thinks you are the best writer here. You have brightened my day immeasurably!

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 5 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      This is my first experience with a pun hub. Very clever. LOL.

      Voted up!

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Very clever, christopher, I knew you would have something imaginative to say. You did not disappoint me. Ta, ta.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      What! you didn't groan at this one, Feline? What strength! What stamina! What dissembling! Heh, heh.

    • christopheranton profile image

      Christopher Antony Meade 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

      Very interesting article, on the prices vegetables were fetching in old Chicago. You must do your research very well.

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 5 years ago

      Hahaha....what, me groan?!!!!

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      What a nice healthy groan, Rosemary, makes me feel I really succeeded with this one, m'dear. Specially when you include an Up vote. Thank you. You realize, of course, you are encouraging me. Just thought I would warn you.

    • Rosemay50 profile image

      Rosemary Sadler 5 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

      Definitely a vote up for this one. graoooooooooon

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Ah, mljd - you are a commenter after my own heart. Thanks for finding this pun #5 and do read the others as well - I know you will enjoy them. See you there.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      Delighted, Mary, that you found this pun great again, and thank you for the Up vote and the etc. etc. Have a lovely weekend, m'dear.

    • drbj profile image
      Author

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      What a pleasure and an honor, eminent Epi, to have you as the very first commenter on this hub. You must know how fond I am of you and your outstanding epigrams. I try to read and comment on all of them but you are much more prolific than I so I do apologize herewith if I have missed any.

      Your comments are always appreciated and I do think we may have a mutual admiration society going on. Which is fine by me. Do appreciate your sharing my hubs with others, too. It has been my pleasure to support and extol your work and you know I will continue to do so. Stay in good health and good humor, my Lake Erie friend.

    • mljdgulley354 profile image

      mljdgulley354 5 years ago

      /This is the first hub I have read but it sure makes me want to go read your other funny pun hubs

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 5 years ago from Florida

      This one is great (again). I voted it UP, etc.etc.

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 5 years ago

      ....I think this may be the first time in recorded hub history that I have been first in line to review/comment on one of your landmark hubs - lucky me so I think I will go out and buy a lottery ticket now - lol - because I am on a roll - as always - you rock my world with your wit - and it's a wit on a world class level and beyond - no one writes quite like you - and yes this will be posted with much love, awe and admiration for your entire body of work here at the Hub and of course your legendary support of me - I really couldn't have done what I've done here at the HUB without great people/supporters like you , believe me!

      lake erie time ontario canada 3:19pm sending you warm wishes and good energy and posting this to my Facebook page with a direct link back here