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Funny Quotes, Divine Comedy

Updated on July 25, 2010

Life is a divine comedy. Here are some good funny life quotes that reveal the humor hidden deep inside the seriousness of life. Chaplin once put “Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot”. So, sometimes let’s look at life from distance and laugh at it, at our silly pursuits and at our meaningless cravings…

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." Paula Poundstone

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.” Mitch Hedberg

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. Walter Matthau

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. George Burns

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Charles D. Warner

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. Joe E. Lewis

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
George Burns

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Will Shriner

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"”

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep Anonymous

You can say any foolish thing to do to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' Dave Merry

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Elayne Boosler

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain

If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers Dan Castellaneta

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. A. A. Milne

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Earl Wilson

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim. Margaret Thatcher

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. Gracie Allen

Love is like wine. To sip is fine, but to empty the bottle is a headache. Julio Iglesias

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    • Majadez profile image

      Maja Dezulovic 

      7 years ago from Johannesburg, South Africa

      Great quotes, and funnily enough, some are true.

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