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Funny Circumcision Jokes

Updated on January 28, 2015

That's Gotta Hurt!

These jokes are just that, jokes. If you do not have a sense of humor or just a sensitive person please do not read. For every one else, please enjoy!

"I Couldn't Walk for a Year!"

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee.

The first one says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised," the second boy replies.

"What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

" My mom said that I was two days old."

" Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

The Emperor's New Bodyguard

The Emperor of Japan advertises for a new bodyguard. Three swordsmen apply: one is Japanese, one is Chinese, and one is Jewish. To test them, the Emperor lets a fly loose in the room and tells the swordsmen to kill it. The Chinese swordsman sweeps down his blade and chops the fly in two. The Japanese swordsman is given the same test. He swings his sword twice and manages to cut the fly into quarters before it hits the ground. The Jewish swordsman is then given a the test. He chases it around the room, swings his sword a few times, then sits down with the fly buzzing around his head. "Why have you stopped?" asks the Emperor. "The fly is still alive." "Yes," replies the Jewish swordsman, "but now it's circumcised."

The Retired Surgeon

A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughtout his career he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir. He takes his specimens to a leathersmith and asks him to make something out of them. A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?!" exclaims the surgeon. The leathersmith replies, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

Funny Circumcision One-Liners

What happened to the short-sighted circumcisor? He got the sack.

When they circumcised him, they threw away the wrong bit.

Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 20 percent off!

Comments

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    • profile image

      funny 7 years ago

      got one.

      a ma asks a rabbi "how much do you charge for circumcisions?

      i don't charge. i just get the tips!

    • profile image

      funny 7 years ago

      got one.

      a ma asks a rabbi "how much do you charge for circumcisions?

      i don't charge. i just get the tips!

    • profile image

      devin 7 years ago

      idk any jokes but these were funny. I hate being circumcised and I think infant circumcision should be banned

    • profile image

      mo 7 years ago

      are you retarded uncircumcised penises are the most disgusting thing on the face of this planet!

    • profile image

      Irish BmK 7 years ago

      i think that uncircumcised u great and there is no reason to have it done. i have loved all my life with it and i wud get it takin other than im not jewish so i don't have too, im not American so i do feel out off place but if i ever did lose it i do think i would get over it

    • profile image

      veryfunny 7 years ago

      circumcision jokes are funny but there is a cut off point

    • profile image

      lad 7 years ago

      i hate being circumcised bcoz im from the uk i feel well out of place

    • profile image

      plum 7 years ago

      who circumcised moby dick?

      fore skin divers ha!

    • profile image

      Shaun 6 years ago

      Im circumsised too and im from the Uk and you shouldn't feel out of place because a lot of people are they just don't admit it...i like being circumsised and my girlfriend loves it!

    • profile image

      bob 6 years ago

      man one said that circumcised things are cleaner

      his wife said that atleast theirs no wall between us now

    • profile image

      Philip  6 years ago

      Circumcisers went on strike for better pay. They are only paid 50 pence an hour plus tips.

      The circumsiser missed and got the sack.

      Captain Cook circumcised the world in a 70 foot cutter.

    • profile image

      vince  6 years ago

      how do you circumcise a hillbilly

      kick his mom in the chin

    • profile image

      anon 6 years ago

      my sister was in hospital the other day and just had a baby i went to visit and the kid had no eyelids, i said "hey doc this kid aint got any eyelids" then the doctor said well that's ol we havnt circumcised it yet so with the foreskin we will make some eyelids for him to which i replied " u cant do that he will be cock-eyed "

      then the doctor said yeah but think of the foresight" hahahaha

    • profile image

      quoll 6 years ago

      circumcision is completely wrong. brutality! it desensitizes the penis and causes other problems. pro circumcision data is simply propaganda! should be illegal unless totally unavoidable. which is super rare!

    • profile image

      xyz 6 years ago

      i was cut when i was 3 as a treatment

      i remembed the physical;mental;social;emotional pain

    • profile image

      Sir Cumcized 5 years ago

      Why is it that most people that complain about circumcision, how painful it is or how dangerous it it...are women.

      Others complain about how it desencitizes the penis, but a majority of them are not circumcised so how would they know.

      And I'm betting xyz is American, because not many other races can remember back to when they were three!

    • profile image

      MKid 5 years ago

      Sir, you are wrong. Most who complain are men who were cut. Those who were cut and agree with it, are only doing so to make themselves believe that they were cut for a good reason.

      IMO, there is no good reasons. Despite what docs say, no circumcision is necessary. If it is too tight, steroids exist to loosen it up, yet docs jump right to removing it.

      Besides, how difficult is it to clean? Are people getting so lazy they can't pull a flap of skin back and wash underneath it? Is it really that much of a hassle to kids nowadays? If it is, they have more problems than penile hygiene.

    • profile image

      mkid 5 years ago

      I have a really gross uncirc'd and I'm embarrassed just like the rest of u should be. GROSS.

    • profile image

      Deni 5 years ago

      Given the effect circumcision has how could any man hate being circumcised?

      http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/world/surgica...

    • profile image

      AAA 5 years ago

      twins boys were circumsized....it was a double header....

    • profile image

      deadlockt 5 years ago

      Don't be ashamed. Were juss boyz in da hood!

    • profile image

      deadlockt 5 years ago

      Plus sex feels better having 20+% more feeling then them skinless circus freaks that lost 20+% of the feeling when they were snipped

    • profile image

      BIGCOQ420 5 years ago

      i am circymsiced

    • profile image

      johno 5 years ago

      The internet is allways available to make circumsized guus realize hpw bad they actually have it, I love sex and wouldn't let anything stop the sensation.

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      sekker 5 years ago

      hitler gots hot in the balls and this made him sing hi and gay.he looked at every male with a dick to ses if they has a fore skin on .if they did not have such skin they were jewish ans burnt in the oven.

    • profile image

      Pirate News 5 years ago

      A ma asks a rabbi, "How much do you charge for circumcisions?" The rabbi replies, "I don't charge. I get all the tips I can eat!"

      "Less commonly practiced, and more controversial, is metzitzah b'peh, (alt. mezizah), or oral suction, where the mohel sucks blood from the circumcision wound. The traditional reason for this procedure is to minimize the potential for postoperative complications, although the practice has been implicated in the spreading of herpes to the infant."

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brit_milah

      "The procedure is extremely quick, and relatively painless. According to most Rabbinic authorities, Jewish law does allow the use of a topical anaesthetic cream (EMLA®, or MAXELINE®). The Brit may be performed in a Synagogue, social hall, or in a private home."

      -Rabbi Moshe Shulman, Certified Mohel, "BRIT MILAH (Ritual Circumcision)"

      http://www.milah.net/

      "A Monsey rabbi once linked to the herpes-related death of a baby through oral-suction circumcisions is part of an investigation by the Brooklyn District Attorney’s Office into a newborn baby’s recent death from the virus, authorities said Wednesday. Rabbi Yitzchok Fischer remains prohibited by a 2007 order from performing the oral-suction ritual and was sent a letter Wednesday stating that, a New York state Department of Health spokesman said. The ritual became a public debate after the death of one of three babies who had contracted the herpes simplex one virus in late 2004 following the oral-suction circumcisions by Fischer."

      http://www.lohud.com/article/20120314/NEWS03/30314...

      http://www.thejewishweek.com/news/new_york/exclusi...

      http://failedmessiah.typepad.com/failed_messiahcom...

      http://www.piratenews.org/pedophile-jewish-rabbis-...

    • profile image

      Brad 5 years ago

      Why is circumcision bad

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      Uggy Bear 5 years ago

      How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his cousin under the chin

    • profile image

      lou 5 years ago

      I think uncircumcised penises look awful

    • profile image

      Markita 5 years ago

      If ur not circumcised kill urself... Foreskin carries bacteria nd can cuz uti's yeast infections and cervical cancer!!!!

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      Inbred Yank Fool 5 years ago

      Ah think that y'all need to get th' end cut off your prick so ya have an excoose fer havin' a tiny one, like all amerrricun men. Baaah th' way, we ain't dumm an illitrate, neethurrrr.

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      Johnny 5 years ago

      Circumcised penises are gross. Why are we mutilating ourselves? Look at any other animal. One small reason why Jesus died on the cross is so we wouldn't do this. "to shed the blood of a baby boy now that Jesus shed his own blood once for all, would be BLASPHEMOUS and mock our lord's sacrifice." and some women need to get their facts straight and stop expecting men to do this cosmetic surgery.

    • profile image

      Johnny 5 years ago

      And hey. To females who think uncircumcised men are disgusting and the like. We are fine the way we are born just like you are! Don't expect us to mutilate ourselves and lose all this sensitivity and natural comfort just because you have a sick fetish! (I hope this post gets submitted b/c it's important to me)

    • profile image

      George 5 years ago

      I was circumsised this morning and already i feel X10 better

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      Leah 5 years ago

      I find it HILARIOUS when women talk about circumcision as if they understand lol how would you feel if you were mutilated? My husband's uncircumcised (the way it should be) and my son will be too!! And circumcised penis aren't any cleaner you idiots.

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      Kaysee 5 years ago

      Hey, women. How would you feel if men forced you to get, say breast implants because your boobs where to small and they like them better bigger? It's not right to mutilate an unconsenting minor, it should be illegal, either that or it should be legal to do to girls as well. It isn't cleaner, quite the contrary actually. The foreskin protects the head of the penis. We don't have the breast buds of our girls removed at birth just to prevent breast cancer, why remove the foreskin for a a little decrease in the risk of STDs? You women are ignorant. My husband is circumcised and he himself told me how much he hated it. As you can imagine, our son wasn't circumcised, we don't do this to our girls.

    • profile image

      Johnny 5 years ago

      I'm checking back in. I do not want to hear any bullshit from women about how intact penises are disgusting. Really? INTACT penises are disgusting? It doesn't make you feel weird saying that. We shouldn't be INTACT? Let's look logically. This "circumcision" thing is apparently some "norm". The truth is that its intended purpose is to stop masturbation. search John Harvey Kellogg. The same guy who sprayed girls genitals with acid for the same exact same purpose. Let's face the truth now. Foreskin covers the glands, and thus keeps the glands sensitive. foreskin slides, which, should be needless to say, is very pleasurable compared to having an exposed and very dry bulb. Does this not make sense?

    • profile image

      Anon 5 years ago

      I love my boyfriend's uncircumcised penis...!! I'm not going to say either version is better or worse bc those who are circumcised had no choice and its their body and nothing anyone should make them feel bad about. Same goes with uncuts. They are they way nature intendef and all the stuff about it being unhealthyis misguided propaganda...(isn't it all?). Anyways, going down on an uncut penis excites me a lot...so fun and sensitive and more to love!!

    • profile image

      Idiots 5 years ago

      Idiots im circumcised nd women Iove it only little circumcised men have problems with it and uncut men tend to add to their problems be like me cut swinging n loving it and any uncut guy that has something to say can get a whoopin from me

    • profile image

      Ron 5 years ago

      Really enjoyed this hub. Thank you so much.

      Ron from Fitness http://www.intervalstraining.net

    • profile image

      REALLY 5 years ago

      Hey I think men that r uncircumcised sex is way better but hey that jus me..... I mean my babydaddy is uncircumcised & I wouldn't trade him 4 an circumcised man ever..... Hell he hits all tha right spots if u kno wut I mean.....

    • profile image

      Hill Billy 5 years ago

      Uncircumcised - makes jerking off a pleasure, no soap, oil, lotion...just whip it out and go.

    • profile image

      trevor 4 years ago

      biggest" fan ;)

    • profile image

      TNCSeven 4 years ago

      I can't stop laughing with comments about uncircumcised etc. I had my penis circumcised when I was 25 years of age. I was only curious and done it. I was a bit embarrassed due to my age but hey I got it done. To tell you the truth. I am 29 yrs old now. Comparing the sex experience from uncircumcised and being circumcise? Oh boy "Circumcised Rocks". When I got it done my GF didn't know I was getting it. She had to go overseas for 6 Months for some work issue. When she got back and felt my circumcised Penis Oh boy! She found her new salvation lol. Would kneel in front of me often. For me Guys who's not circumcise and saying circumcision isn't needed, You guys are afraid, will die wondering how to fuck being circumcise.

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      Steve 4 years ago

      I am circumcised and I am happy about it. I have not experienced any loss of sensation in my penis and my sex life is wonderful. My girlfriend (who has seen uncircumcised men) says that it looks better. The underside of a foreskin is a breeding ground for bacteria because of the combination of moisture and warmth. Advantages of circumcision : Wifes of circumcised men are less likely to get problems such as thrush, cystisis, trichomonus in their genitals, and also probably less likely to get cervical cancer. I understand (I do not know how far this is true) that wives of uncircumcised men get called for periodical cervical smear tests more often than wives of circumcised men. There was a news report a few months ago that male members of Zimbabwe's parliament were urged to undergo circumcision as part of the Government's drive to combat AIDS. I have heard that some American women refuse to marry (or have sex with) uncircumcised men because of their fears of getting genital problems.

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      Glenn 4 years ago

      Leah (3 months ago) sums up the hypocrasy! She finds it funny that women talk about circumcision as if they understand. Too right..... but then she goes on to say that uncircumcised is the way it should be!! You hypocrite!! I'm circumcised, proud of it and advocate routine circumcision. The benefits FAR outweigh the disadvantages.... I know.... I've got a daughter who contracted chlamydia from an uncircumcised moron! (She's lucky she can still have kids!) As for reduced sensitivity... I have four kids... including twins.... (my boys are circumcised) ... it's still sensitive enough for me!!! (and my wife!!) So many things in our lives have changed in recent decades with newly discovered viruses and illnesses, (HIV, STD's etc) the evidence shows that circumcision may help to stop the spread of some of these, so why shouldn't we try to reduce the spread of these diseases in a responsible manner. Let's not forget the pungent body odours of those uncircumcised males who fail to adequately maintain themselves. I know.. it's education... but there's a lot of males who don't seem to care! Circumcision IS NOT MUTILATION ! To those who think it is.... do you have body piercings or tattoos?? I can't remember being done, it hasn't caused any psycological damage to me... nor have I had any problems with infections or discomfort or disease. Routine circumcision should return!

    • profile image

      iuy 4 years ago

      circxumcision is wrong and aint the parents desion

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      johnemero 4 years ago

      Let's see what the fuss is all about! Go to:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4n4S6CQTPJQ

      Start at 13:50. Seeing is believing...

    • profile image

      amazed 4 years ago

      This is most bizarre thread I've ever read.

      The angry posts seem to all be from circumcised people. Is it possible there is some jealousy out there? I am natural down there and it looks awesome. That's not to say that all uncircumcised dicks look good... because that's a ridiculous over generalization. Some people look good naked and some people don't. Some circumcised dicks just look like limp erections. At the end of the day if you don't like your dick the last thing you should do is look for the approval of someone who either uninformed, or jealous.

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      heyyy 4 years ago

      im a jew

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      wazup 4 years ago

      what happened to all the circumcision jokes? I guess they just got cut off.

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      Still Got It 3 years ago

      The foreskin is to the penis, what the labia are to the vagina. Female circumcision is seen as barbaric, and yet male circumcision is supposedly great? Both are given as a natural covering to serve a natural purpose, so all of the arguments about how it looks are just idiotic. If you are pro circumcision in men, why not encourage it in women as well?

      For those who question how an uncut guy can say there is a difference in sensitivity, try this: put a band-aid on your finger and wear it for a day or two. Notice how sensitive the area is once it is removed. The band-aid has provided the same thing a foreskin is supposed to provide - protection.

      And arguments of cleanliness are absurd. Every man - cut or uncut - has a need to bathe.

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      READ 3 years ago

      a man took his boy to get circumcised and asked how much does it cost the circumcisor said its free but i keep the tips

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      ya mum 3 years ago

      what do you call a cheap circumsion?

      A rip off

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      James 2 years ago

      There once was a Rabbi called Keith,

      Who circumcised kids with his teeth,

      He didn't do it for leisure or sexual pleasure,

      But did it for the cheese underneath.

    • profile image

      Ronny 20 months ago

      Stunning content material. Just what I was looking around for!

      All best,

      p.s.

      Check out our new release at lepsoft,com

    • profile image

      Rose 6 months ago

      I think that all men with foreskin need to taste what they are missing

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