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Killer Asteroid Heading Toward Earth .... Good

Updated on February 25, 2013
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The headline on Yahoo.com was like all headlines on Yahoo.com, just begging me to click so I could read the entire story. Although I can often withstand the yearning to click to find the latest edition of Lindsay's Lohan's "rap sheet" or the philosophical musings of the Kardashian sisters, this headline appeared promising: "Giant Asteroid Heading Our Way". Who says the "media" doesn't report good news.

Flushed with excitement, I let my imagination run wild. Maybe the asteroid would hit Washington D.C, Maybe the U.N., Maybe even Yankee Stadium. Then I pictured Hollywood in smoldering ruins. An asteroid could do it. They can be up to 480 miles in diameter.

But then I realized engaging in this kind of destructive thinking is wrong, to say nothing of unproductive. Immediately, I was overwhelmed by guilt. I would do the right thing. I would volunteer to sacrifice myself for the good of the planet. Let the asteroid take me. I was of no use to planet earth anyway.

It' was no-brainer. It was win-win. The planet would be rid of one more quasi-libertarian, Christian, tea-party sympathizer, and I'd be freed from trying to live in a world where up is down, right is wrong, America is the perceived cause of the world's evils and CNN is considered a news-organization.

Before I realized what I was doing, I found myself audibly murmuring "Come on asteroid" "Bring it.Baby" ..... "wait let me get one more cup of coffee".... Perhaps it was the startled stirrings of the other Dunkin Donuts patrons or the ever-increasing volume of my voice as I continued to root for the asteroid to pummel me into heaven exactly where I sat, but I quickly came to my senses and realized I was still staring at the headline that started it all ... "Giant Asteroid Heading Our Way"

With self-conscious trepidation, I clicked the highlighted text "See it tonight" that accompanied the headline. Aghast but not surprised I felt naked, violated, alone, Yahoo.com had done it to me again. The headline to the actual article mocked my previous elation with the innocuous announcement, "Huge Asteroid To Fly By Earth Thursday: How To Watch Online".

There would be no grand deliverance from this happily ignorant and corrupt world and worst of all was that I'd never again be able to show my now suddenly reddened face at my favorite Dunkin Donuts. The world was still on the verge of bankruptcy. America still wasn't allowed to drill for oil. Iran could have the nuke any minute, and the Yankees after a slow start are now atop the American League East. Normally, that would be bad enough, but It's only June, so almost five months of presidential political ads lay in my future. Say, any comets or meteorites in the forecast ??


+++ NOTE:: In reality the author does not actually wish an asteroid strike upon any foreign or domestic person, edifice, or organization.

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    • Civil War Bob profile image

      Civil War Bob 4 years ago from Glenside, Pennsylvania

      Well, if it had said "Huge Hemorrhoid" I might have clicked on it. Now I'll just have to call Bruce Willis to blow it up!! Voted up, useful, funny, and interesting, UgH!!

    • unknown spy profile image

      IAmForbidden 4 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

      yeah i always read stuff like this on yahoo too. made me want to click and read the story further :)

    • Ugly Honest profile image
      Author

      Ugly Honest 4 years ago from Within the New York/DC Megalopolis

      Thanks ""C. W. B."" .... Bruce would definitely be the "right call" .... Of course for Bruce the asteroid was "lite work" .... But there's really something special about a guy who can take down an entire plane of terrorists with nothing but a lighter .. and in the snow no less .... Thanks again "appreciated profusely" Godspeed and Stuff !!

    • Ugly Honest profile image
      Author

      Ugly Honest 4 years ago from Within the New York/DC Megalopolis

      .unknown spy ... or shall I call you "M" Grateful you'd stop by to read and comment .... Good to know I'm not the only victim of that evil "bait and switch" Yahoo headline trick ... Honored ... Thank You !!

    • CrazedNovelist profile image

      A.E. Williams 4 years ago from Hampton, GA

      lol... was not expecting that!! Fun read. :)

    • Civil War Bob profile image

      Civil War Bob 4 years ago from Glenside, Pennsylvania

      Given your lighter comment, Ugh, I guess "Armageddon" might have been titled, "I Don't WANNA Die HARD?!"

    • bac2basics profile image

      Anne 4 years ago from Spain

      Hi Ugly. I don´t know what it is about the words " Huge" and "Asteroid" but when placed together I , like civil war Bob also immediatly think of " Hemmoroid" could this be the dawning of a new hub? Anyway, although it´s really too early for me to be up and reading, I just couldn´t resist this one, and have to say it´s given me a good laugh and a great start to the day..I´m not American but laughed my head off at the CNN news pun. Thanks UG :)

    • Ugly Honest profile image
      Author

      Ugly Honest 4 years ago from Within the New York/DC Megalopolis

      Crazed Novelist ... Grateful you'd stop by ... Glad I could surprise you ...

    • girishpuri profile image

      Girish puri 4 years ago from NCR , INDIA

      hilarious...

    • Ugly Honest profile image
      Author

      Ugly Honest 4 years ago from Within the New York/DC Megalopolis

      bac2basics ... Glad anyone would appreciate the CNN reference ... Had no intention of reminding the world of "huge hemmoroids" ... However, if your mind is working like Civil War Bob's you're indeed among the world's "great", if not "slightly skewed" intellects LOL I really appreciate your reading and commenting ...

    • Ugly Honest profile image
      Author

      Ugly Honest 4 years ago from Within the New York/DC Megalopolis

      girishpuri ... Thank You .... You're small comment has given me a big smile !!!!

    • LaThing profile image

      LaThing 4 years ago from From a World Within, USA

      lol, lol...... Very interesting, to say the least! I avoid Yahoo News like anything, but now I know where to come if I want the real news :)

      Great piece, sharing, and awesome!

    • Ugly Honest profile image
      Author

      Ugly Honest 4 years ago from Within the New York/DC Megalopolis

      LaThing,

      Very Grateful for your review and sharing .... Thanks to you I now have a new motto "Ugly Honest .... All News, All The Time" ..... Thank You Again

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