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Genesis Chapter 1 - Bible According to Satan

Updated on March 4, 2016
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Satan has been in charge of hell since, well, the beginning of time. He's gotten pretty good at it.

Verse 1

In the beginning, dad was bored. He created a big rock and sent it flying through space.

Verse 2

The flying rock was too dark.

Verse 3

Dad was all like "we'd best turn the lights on".

Verse 4

He turned the lights on and looked very pleased with himself. "Some pretty fucking good light right there!" he boasted.

Verse 5

He was so impressed with his light that he gave it a name. "I shall call it day!" he announced. Ironically, it actually took him a full day!

Verse 6

Dad said "I'm gonna make the sky"

Verse 7

Dad made the sky.

Verse 8

Dad said "I'll call this the sky"... another day wasted in my honest opinion.

Verse 9

Suddenly, dad got all like "Woah I've just noticed... there's like waaaay too much wet stuff. Shit. I'm gonna go make some dry bits real quick, brb".

Verse 10

Dad said "I'm gonna call these dry bits land and these wet bits water. Fuck yeah, I'm getting the hang of this!".

Verse 11

Dad turned to Jesus and said "Hey, wanna see something cool? Watch this: TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!". Jesus was all like "way to go dad".

Verse 12

Dad started boasting about his trees. Fucking Jesus, always encouraging him!

Verse 13

Yup, he'd been at this for THREE FULL DAYS now.

Verse 14

"I've just had a great idea" dad said. Don't get too excited - his 'great ideas' aren't normally that great... "I'm gonna make it light during the day, and dark during the night!" he exclaimed.

Verse 15

At this point though, he got a bit stuck. "How the heaven do I make it lighter during the day and darker during the night?" he asked himself out loud.

Verse 16

"OK, I've got it" he said after pacing his cloud thinking for a while. "Sun, moon, stars. Sorted."

Verse 17

Dad put the sun, the moon and the stars into the sky, and danced around with joy. "Look at that!" he kept shouting, pointing at his handiwork. "It works!".

Verse 18

Dad was bragging. Again.

Verse 19

Four days now. Four fucking days. By this point I was kinda hoping he'd get bored and pack it all in... but Jesus was there encouraging him still, and there was a scary glint in his eye. Something was brewing, I just wished I could figure out what...

Verse 20

Well, it didn't take long to find out what that glint in his eye was... "LIFE!" he shouted "I SHALL CREATE LIFE!!"

Verse 21

Dad made a whale and a bird. He was dead impressed with himself. Like always.

Verse 22

The animals started getting jiggy with it.

Verse 23

Five days and counting...

Verse 24

More animals. I think he liked watching them fuck.

Verse 25

Brag brag brag. Bla bla bla.

Verse 26

Suddenly, dad jumped up and exclaimed "Aha! I'm going to make... A MINI-ME!". Oh dear...

Verse 27

He did it. He actually did it. He made a tiny version of himself. Vain bastard. I'm gonna be honest though, it didn't really look much like him... but if you looked at it sideways with half an eye closed and your finger in front of a quarter of your other eye, then yeah, you could kinda see where he was coming from. Then he made a woman, too. That one looked a bit more like him, actually.

Verse 28

OK, so the mini-dads weren't exactly alive yet... they were more like models. You know, they were just, sort of, there. But either way, dad started talking to them like they were listening.

"When you wake up, I'll want you to start getting jiggy with it" he said.

Verse 29

Dad also told them "and if you get hungry, make sure you go eat something, m'kay?".

Verse 30

"The trees are totally edible" dad added.

Verse 31

Six. Fucking. Days.

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    • Jessica Purvis profile image

      Jessica Purvis 20 months ago from Durham, England

      Very funny, much more entertaining than the NIV.

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      Author

      Satan 21 months ago from Hell

      Thank you NateB11. You will have a good seat in hell when you arrive.

    • NateB11 profile image

      Nathan Bernardo 21 months ago from California, United States of America

      Good stuff.