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Genesis Chapter 2 - Bible According to Satan

Updated on March 4, 2016
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Satan has been in charge of hell since, well, the beginning of time. He's gotten pretty good at it.

Verse 1

Dad finally finished pissing about with his new creation.

Verse 2

Dad was feeling pretty tired after staying awake for six days straight, and so by the time day seven rolled around, he'd fallen asleep.

Verse 3

A few angels looked a bit uncomfortable - "this guy is God" they were saying "surely he doesn't need to sleep!?". Jesus jumped to his defence and was all like "nah nah nah, he's setting an example for what the mini-hims will need to do once he wakes them up - you know, they'll need to do shit for 6 days then have a rest. Or something. Right, dad?".

*Snore*

Verse 4

Anyway, arguments aside, I think it was safe to say at this point that he'd finished creating things.

Verse 5

Oh wait, he wasn't quite finished - he still needed to invent rain and wake the mini-dads up.

Verse 6

Dad made it rain.

Verse 7

Dad woke up the male version of himself (again, let me repeat here - dad has never been much of a sculptor... the poor little sods looked barely anything like him at all).

Verse 8

"Hey you" dad said to the little man. "You're going to come and live in this garden I've made!". He scooped him up and plopped him in.

Verse 9

"I've planted lots of things for you to eat" explained dad to the little man "and I've also put something fun for you in the middle of the garden - it's called 'THE TREE OF GOOD AND EVIL' lol, but don't let the dramatic name scare you. Anyway, more on that later".

Verse 10

My dad did what he always does when he starts talking to somebody new... babble babble babble.

"So if you look over here, you'll notice I've built you a river!" he announced to the new little man. "And what's more, it splits into 4..."

Verse 11

"If you follow this river" said my dad "you'll find this shiny yellow stuff called 'gold'. Lol. You people are gonna go nuts for it one day, but it's actually pretty worthless"

Verse 12

"You'll also find other rocks and shit. But the gold is the best stuff!"


Verse 13

Dad pointed to the next river.

"This one takes you to Ethiopia" he said. "You don't wanna go there".

Verse 14

"Those two go to other places..." he said, losing his passion for the topic. "Look, I'm bored of rivers now. Let me find something else to talk about."

Verse 15

"Aha!" shouted dad. "Let's talk about the garden itself - I'm calling it 'The Garden of Eden' because it's a garden and it's in Eden. Original, eh?". Dad winked at the new little man.

Verse 16

"OK, house rules" said dad. "Basically, you can eat anything you like..."

Dad had a mischievous glint in his eye. I hate it when he does things like this.

Verse 17

"...with one exception" he added, trying to stifle his laughter.

The new little man looked at my dad inquisitively.

"OK, OK, here it is: You can't eat anything that grows on the tree of good and evil."

Dad giggled a bit but stopped himself quickly and forced a straight face again.

"Wanna know why?" he asked the little man. "Well? Wanna know?" he pestered.

The little man looked at him with innocent confusion.

"BECAUSE IF YOU DO YOU'LL DIE!!" dad shouted, unable to keep the joke to himself. This time he couldn't hide his laughter. He roared and roared with loud, hearty laughter that echoed all the way through heaven.

Verse 18

"OK enough of the fun for now" said dad, calming down slightly. "Let me introduce you to your new friends".

Verse 19

"Look at all these animals" said dad to the little man. "These animals are your friends. You can name them, if you like?"

The little man looked confused. Dad chuckled. "You don't know what a name is do you?"

He ruffled the little man's hair and said "I'm going to call you Adam."

Verse 20

With a bit of help, Adam named the animals. Mostly simple, single-syllable names like "pig" and "sheep".

Verse 21

It gets a bit weird here. Dad put Adam to sleep and started performing surgery... it was weird to watch. He was all like "Jesus pass me that scalpel boy". After lots of sawing, pulling, tugging and bleeding, he managed to remove one of Adam's ribs. Yup, a full rib.

Verse 22

Oh it gets weirder - he stuck the rib into the lifeless woman he'd made, and then woke the pair up. Strange man, my dad.

Verse 23

Adam felt a bit sore.

"Hey, woman, have you got my rib?" he asked.

Verse 24

Adam and my dad had a quick chat and decided that men and women should kinda be together romantically and that was the only way. My only thoughts at this point were "it's gonna suck for anybody who turns out gay".

Verse 25

Oh, I forgot to mention... Adam and this little lady person were both naked. Lol.

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