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Genesis Chapter 3 - Bible According to Satan

Updated on March 4, 2016

Verse 1

Let me quickly introduce myself, guys. I am Satan - AKA "The Devil". That's a title my dad gave me, don't pay it much attention.

Anyway, to cut a long story short... I don't agree with much that my dad says or does. So I entertain myself by trying to get people to basically do the opposite of what he wants them to do.

Anyway, so now that Adam and his little wife were all settled, I thought I'd pay them a visit. I turned myself into a snake and approached the little lady.

"Hey lady" I said. "I heard that 'God' fellow telling you all the trees are edible, right?"

Verse 2

The little lady was all like "yeah he said that"

Verse 3

She paused to think for a minute, then added "oh, but we can't eat anything from that tree or we'll die."

Yup she was pointing to 'The Tree of Good and Evil'.

Verse 4

Truth be told, I was actually curious what would happen if she actually went and did it, so I tried to play it down a bit.

"Nah c'mon" I said. "That can't possibly be true".

Verse 5

I decided to add a bit of logic to my answer, and said:

"It's called 'The Tree of Good and Evil', not 'The Tree of Death'. As far as I understand it, the only thing it will do is give you a conscience".

Verse 6

"I don't know what a conscience is" replied the little lady "but I want one. Adam! Come eat this fruit with me!".

Verse 7

What happened next was almost comical.

There they were, enjoying this fruit, when suddenly, the little lady screamed "holy shit I'm naked!"

She started grabbing leaves and shoving them in front of her tits and lady garden, while Adam ran around sporting his very first boner, shouting "What do I do? What do I do!?".

Verse 8

My dad heard the commotion and asked what was going on. Adam and the little lady hid behind a tree.

Verse 9

"Come out come out wherever you are" called my dad.

Verse 10

Adam stepped out from behind the tree and said to my dad "close your eyes man, I'm naked!"

Verse 11

"Wait, how the heaven do you know you're naked!?" my dad asked him. Then my dad winked, and asked "have you been guzzling that naughty fruit?".

Verse 12

Adam went bright red. He had guilt written all over his face!

"She made me do it..." he stammered, pointing at his little wife.

Verse 13

Dad raised his eyebrows at the little lady.

"What!?" she exclaimed, and then pointing to me she shouted "he told me to!"

Verse 14

My disguise must have been pretty convincing, because my dad didn't seem to know it was me. He actually thought I was a snake!

I feel kinda bad, truth be told - he proceeded to zap my legs off and curse the entire snake race until the end of time.

Verse 15

He was all like "you and your children and your children's children are gonna be stepped on for the rest of eternity!".

Bit over dramatic if you ask me.

Verse 16

"And you!" he shouted, rounding on the little lady. "I am ashamed!"

Then he stopped, thought for a while, and added "I'm going to inflict you with the responsibility of childbirth. How do you like THEM apples!?"

Verse 17

Next, dad turned to Adam, shook his head and sighed.

"Just a few days old and already pussy-whipped..."

Verse 18

"OK, here's what's gonna happen" my dad said. "I'm gonna make this whole 'life' thing a bit more challenging for you by adding things like thorns to the mix - these are basically like fruit bushes but more painful."

Verse 19

"And eventually, you're all going to die" said dad.

Verse 20

Dad named the little lady Eve.

Verse 21

Dad softened a bit. I think he felt bad for getting all shouty. He whipped out his sewing machine, sat on a stump and started making Adam and Eve a lovely set of clothes.

Verse 22

He was chatting about shit while sewing. Things like "you know good and evil now pal", and "you're even more like your old dad now pal". I'm sure he even threw in a quiet "I'm so proud of you", but I wasn't listening very hard because I was having fun sliding around on my belly.

Verse 23

Once he'd finished sewing and they were both wrapped up nice and warm, my dad said to Adam and Eve: "It's time for you two to leave this place and go find your fortune in the big wide world."

Verse 24

Dad kicked them both out of the garden, waved them a cheery goodbye, and locked the garden gate forever.

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