ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Genesis Chapter 3 - Bible According to Satan

Updated on March 4, 2016

Verse 1

Let me quickly introduce myself, guys. I am Satan - AKA "The Devil". That's a title my dad gave me, don't pay it much attention.

Anyway, to cut a long story short... I don't agree with much that my dad says or does. So I entertain myself by trying to get people to basically do the opposite of what he wants them to do.

Anyway, so now that Adam and his little wife were all settled, I thought I'd pay them a visit. I turned myself into a snake and approached the little lady.

"Hey lady" I said. "I heard that 'God' fellow telling you all the trees are edible, right?"

Verse 2

The little lady was all like "yeah he said that"

Verse 3

She paused to think for a minute, then added "oh, but we can't eat anything from that tree or we'll die."

Yup she was pointing to 'The Tree of Good and Evil'.

Verse 4

Truth be told, I was actually curious what would happen if she actually went and did it, so I tried to play it down a bit.

"Nah c'mon" I said. "That can't possibly be true".

Verse 5

I decided to add a bit of logic to my answer, and said:

"It's called 'The Tree of Good and Evil', not 'The Tree of Death'. As far as I understand it, the only thing it will do is give you a conscience".

Verse 6

"I don't know what a conscience is" replied the little lady "but I want one. Adam! Come eat this fruit with me!".

Verse 7

What happened next was almost comical.

There they were, enjoying this fruit, when suddenly, the little lady screamed "holy shit I'm naked!"

She started grabbing leaves and shoving them in front of her tits and lady garden, while Adam ran around sporting his very first boner, shouting "What do I do? What do I do!?".

Verse 8

My dad heard the commotion and asked what was going on. Adam and the little lady hid behind a tree.

Verse 9

"Come out come out wherever you are" called my dad.

Verse 10

Adam stepped out from behind the tree and said to my dad "close your eyes man, I'm naked!"

Verse 11

"Wait, how the heaven do you know you're naked!?" my dad asked him. Then my dad winked, and asked "have you been guzzling that naughty fruit?".

Verse 12

Adam went bright red. He had guilt written all over his face!

"She made me do it..." he stammered, pointing at his little wife.

Verse 13

Dad raised his eyebrows at the little lady.

"What!?" she exclaimed, and then pointing to me she shouted "he told me to!"

Verse 14

My disguise must have been pretty convincing, because my dad didn't seem to know it was me. He actually thought I was a snake!

I feel kinda bad, truth be told - he proceeded to zap my legs off and curse the entire snake race until the end of time.

Verse 15

He was all like "you and your children and your children's children are gonna be stepped on for the rest of eternity!".

Bit over dramatic if you ask me.

Verse 16

"And you!" he shouted, rounding on the little lady. "I am ashamed!"

Then he stopped, thought for a while, and added "I'm going to inflict you with the responsibility of childbirth. How do you like THEM apples!?"

Verse 17

Next, dad turned to Adam, shook his head and sighed.

"Just a few days old and already pussy-whipped..."

Verse 18

"OK, here's what's gonna happen" my dad said. "I'm gonna make this whole 'life' thing a bit more challenging for you by adding things like thorns to the mix - these are basically like fruit bushes but more painful."

Verse 19

"And eventually, you're all going to die" said dad.

Verse 20

Dad named the little lady Eve.

Verse 21

Dad softened a bit. I think he felt bad for getting all shouty. He whipped out his sewing machine, sat on a stump and started making Adam and Eve a lovely set of clothes.

Verse 22

He was chatting about shit while sewing. Things like "you know good and evil now pal", and "you're even more like your old dad now pal". I'm sure he even threw in a quiet "I'm so proud of you", but I wasn't listening very hard because I was having fun sliding around on my belly.

Verse 23

Once he'd finished sewing and they were both wrapped up nice and warm, my dad said to Adam and Eve: "It's time for you two to leave this place and go find your fortune in the big wide world."

Verse 24

Dad kicked them both out of the garden, waved them a cheery goodbye, and locked the garden gate forever.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)