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Genesis Chapter 4 - Bible According to Satan

Updated on March 7, 2016

Verse 1

Adam and Eve got jiggy with it and had a brat called Cain.

Verse 2

They got jiggy with it again, and had another brat called Abel.

The brothers became farmers. Cain grew the vegetables, while Abel looked after the sheep.

Verse 3

Cain and Abel wanted to impress my dad. Cain offered him a carrot.

Verse 4

Abel offered him a sheep. Dad was impressed with this one - "Wow! A cute fluffy sheep for me?" he squealed.

Verse 5

Dad compared the sheep to the carrot, and was all like "what the fuck is this silly orange thing?".

Cain got angry.

Verse 6

"Woah calm down pal" my dad said to Cain. "What's with all that anger!?"

Verse 7

"Just because you brought me a shitty carrot doesn't mean you need to be angry. If you find me something better, I might be impressed!"

Verse 8

Cain didn't listen to my dad. And I don't blame him... when my dad tells you to jump, he expects you to ask "how high?". Nope, Cain took the path of swift revenge and killed his brother.

Verse 9

A bit later on, my dad was like "Hey Cain, where's Abel?"

Cain was all like "how should I know?"

Verse 10

My dad was like "Oh fuck you've lost him?"

Then he saw Abel's feet sticking out of the bushes and was like "Oh shit. Cain you've not just lost him, you've killed him!"

Verse 11

Dad stamped his feet and decided to curse Cain.

Verse 12

He cursed Cain with the inability to grow vegetables.

Verse 13

"That's shit" said Cain.

Verse 14

"Where am I going to go now?" Cain asked my dad. "If I stay here, mum and dad will be angry with me. But if I leave home I might get murdered!"

Verse 15

"Nah you'll be fine" said my dad.

Verse 16

Cain fucked off to the land of Nod.

Verse 17

Cain made a pretty good life for himself in the land of Nod. He got hitched, had a kid, built a city... it was nice and easy living.

Verse 18

Let me just skip a few generations real quick:

Cain's son Enoch had a kid called Irad, who had a kid called Mehujael, who had a kid called Methusael, who had a kid called Lamech.

You still with me guys?

Verse 19

Ok, so Lamech was Cain's great great great grandchild. I think. Anyway, this Lamech fellow got married. Twice!

Verse 20

Lamech's kids all went off down different career paths. For example, Jabal was a cowboy who lived in a tent.

Verse 21

Another example would be Jubal, who became a musician.

Verse 22

Oh, and don't forget Tubalcain! He made shit out of metal I think.

Verse 23

Look, I'm going away from the point. The point is that genetics matter, and Lamech - just like his great great great grandfather Cain - became a murderer.

Verse 24

"It doesn't matter though" Lamech would often boast to his wives, whenever anybody brought up the touchy subject of 'murder'. "If my great great great grandfather can get away with it, then so can I!"

Verse 25

Anyway, let's get back to Adam and Eve.

While Cain and his grandchildren were all off building cities and killing people, Adam and Eve were trying to have another brat. Somebody to replace the one that got murdered.

After lots of trying, they succeeded! They called their new kid Seth.

Verse 26

Seth had a kid called Enos. His descendants were a bit less murdery than Cain's to begin with, so I think we might see what Seth's grandchildren got up to in the next chapter. For now though, I've got a hot naked lady waiting for me in the Jacuzzi!


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