ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Genesis Chapter 4 - Bible According to Satan

Updated on March 7, 2016

Verse 1

Adam and Eve got jiggy with it and had a brat called Cain.

Verse 2

They got jiggy with it again, and had another brat called Abel.

The brothers became farmers. Cain grew the vegetables, while Abel looked after the sheep.

Verse 3

Cain and Abel wanted to impress my dad. Cain offered him a carrot.

Verse 4

Abel offered him a sheep. Dad was impressed with this one - "Wow! A cute fluffy sheep for me?" he squealed.

Verse 5

Dad compared the sheep to the carrot, and was all like "what the fuck is this silly orange thing?".

Cain got angry.

Verse 6

"Woah calm down pal" my dad said to Cain. "What's with all that anger!?"

Verse 7

"Just because you brought me a shitty carrot doesn't mean you need to be angry. If you find me something better, I might be impressed!"

Verse 8

Cain didn't listen to my dad. And I don't blame him... when my dad tells you to jump, he expects you to ask "how high?". Nope, Cain took the path of swift revenge and killed his brother.

Verse 9

A bit later on, my dad was like "Hey Cain, where's Abel?"

Cain was all like "how should I know?"

Verse 10

My dad was like "Oh fuck you've lost him?"

Then he saw Abel's feet sticking out of the bushes and was like "Oh shit. Cain you've not just lost him, you've killed him!"

Verse 11

Dad stamped his feet and decided to curse Cain.

Verse 12

He cursed Cain with the inability to grow vegetables.

Verse 13

"That's shit" said Cain.

Verse 14

"Where am I going to go now?" Cain asked my dad. "If I stay here, mum and dad will be angry with me. But if I leave home I might get murdered!"

Verse 15

"Nah you'll be fine" said my dad.

Verse 16

Cain fucked off to the land of Nod.

Verse 17

Cain made a pretty good life for himself in the land of Nod. He got hitched, had a kid, built a city... it was nice and easy living.

Verse 18

Let me just skip a few generations real quick:

Cain's son Enoch had a kid called Irad, who had a kid called Mehujael, who had a kid called Methusael, who had a kid called Lamech.

You still with me guys?

Verse 19

Ok, so Lamech was Cain's great great great grandchild. I think. Anyway, this Lamech fellow got married. Twice!

Verse 20

Lamech's kids all went off down different career paths. For example, Jabal was a cowboy who lived in a tent.

Verse 21

Another example would be Jubal, who became a musician.

Verse 22

Oh, and don't forget Tubalcain! He made shit out of metal I think.

Verse 23

Look, I'm going away from the point. The point is that genetics matter, and Lamech - just like his great great great grandfather Cain - became a murderer.

Verse 24

"It doesn't matter though" Lamech would often boast to his wives, whenever anybody brought up the touchy subject of 'murder'. "If my great great great grandfather can get away with it, then so can I!"

Verse 25

Anyway, let's get back to Adam and Eve.

While Cain and his grandchildren were all off building cities and killing people, Adam and Eve were trying to have another brat. Somebody to replace the one that got murdered.

After lots of trying, they succeeded! They called their new kid Seth.

Verse 26

Seth had a kid called Enos. His descendants were a bit less murdery than Cain's to begin with, so I think we might see what Seth's grandchildren got up to in the next chapter. For now though, I've got a hot naked lady waiting for me in the Jacuzzi!


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)