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Genesis Chapter 5 - Bible According to Satan

Updated on April 13, 2016

Verse 1

OK, let's talk about Adam's descendants.

Verse 2

So you already know that this whole thing was some sort of social experiment my dad cooked up, where he built a bunch of little people who looked (vaguely) like him.

Verse 3

And you know already how Adam had this kid called Seth - we covered it in the last chapter.

Verse 4

To be fair, he had loads of brats. I just didn't name them all.

Verse 5

Back in that day, there weren't things like car fumes and cancer killing people off. Adam actually lived to a ripe old age of 930!

Verse 6

Anyway, I'm giving fair warning to you before I get on with this chapter: It is just a long list of old men fucking their wives and having children. Seriously. That's it. If you don't want to read about it, move on to the next chapter, like, now. Otherwise... here goes.

So, at the age of 105, Seth had a kid called Enos

Verse 7

He had loads more kids, too.

Verse 8

He lived to be 912 years old.

Verse 9

Enos had his first relevant brat at the age of 90, and called him Cainan.

Verse 10

He also had lots more kids.

Verse 11

Enos lived to be 905. Have you noticed that life expectancy seems to be decreasing?

Verse 12

Cainan had his first relevant offspring at the age of 70, and called him Mahalaleel. Nope, I can't pronounce that either.

Verse 13

I bet you can guess this next bit. Yep, Cainan ALSO had lots of other kids.

Verse 14

Cainan actually lived for 910 years, totally beating his dad.

Verse 15

At the age of 65, Mahalaleel had a kid called Jared.

Verse 16

And lots more children.

Verse 17

Mahalaleel only lived to be 895. I'm actually noticing a trend here - the younger you are when you start busting out kids, the younger you are when you die. Except for Cainan, who I expect ate his vegetables.

Verse 18

Jared was a late starter, but eventually found himself a wife and, at the age of 162, had a kid called Enoch.

Verse 19

And many more.

Verse 20

Following the "Start Older Live Longer" trend, Jared smashed the record and stuck around for 962 years!

Verse 21

Enoch was a young stallion, and at the spritely age of 65, had a child named Methuselah.

Verse 22

He had more kids.

Verse 23

He should not have had children so young... he was practically an infant when he died at the tender age of 365.

Verse 24

Some people argue that Enoch didn't actually die. They say that my dad came to call for him one day, and he simply left... but I'm pretty sure it's just an early example of things folk tell other folk when coping with tragedy. You know, like when you flush your goldfish down the toilet and tell your kid it's gone on holiday. That kind of thing.

Verse 25

Anyway, Enoch's kid Methuselah fertilised his wife and she popped out a little boy called Lamech.

Verse 26

She popped out a great deal more.

Verse 27

Methuselah didn't do bad at all. He lived until he was 969!

Verse 28

At the age of 182, Lamech had a son of his own.

Verse 29

This kid's name was Noah, and Lamech reckoned that he'd do something pretty special with his life.

Verse 30

Lamech had other children, too.

Verse 31

He died at the young age of 777.

Verse 32

Which brings us back to Noah.

At the age of 500, Noah had three children, and he called them Shem, Ham and Japheth. If you've ever read my dad's version of this book, you might be recognising some of these names by now.

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