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Genesis Chapter 6 - Bible According to Satan

Updated on September 3, 2016

Verse 1

So, as you might have gathered by my previous ramblings, these "people" my dad had created were getting pretty damn frisky. They were populating earth, like, reeeeeal quickly, the horny bastards.

Verse 2

My dad put it down to how pretty he'd made the women. "Men are just falling over themselves to get hitched!" he exclaimed.

Verse 3

Dad started talking about how his little living experiments were forgetting their creator and lusting after women. Anybody would have thought he was jealous...

Verse 4

Plus, people were getting stronger and stronger.

Verse 5

Dad couldn't stop thinking about how "wicked" his creations were becoming. Again, I put it all down to jealousy - his little men were running after his little women, and none of them were telling "Him" how great he was.

Verse 6

"I wish I'd never made these silly little people" sulked my dad, stomping around on his cloud.

Verse 7

After a fair bit of pacing, he stopped and had one of his crazy brainwaves. "Aha!" he boomed. "I shall destroy them. ALL of them!". I think a few angels glanced at one another, but kiss-ass Jesus was all like "that's a great idea dad!"

Verse 8

Now, you remember in the last chapter I mentioned a fellow called Noah? Well, Noah was a smart guy, and I think he knew something upstairs was brewing. And so, he made sure to get in my dad's good books somehow.

Verse 9

"Oh such a perfect man!" my dad cooed. "My experiment wasn't a total failure after all!"

Verse 10

In case you'd forgotten, Noah had three bratty boys called Shem, Ham and Japheth.

Verse 11

However, regardless of my dad thinking he'd found the "perfect man" with the perfect little family, he was still pretty pissed at the rest of the world.

Verse 12

He kept on looking at all of his horny little mini-hims and crying.

Verse 13

My dad said to Noah "hey buddy, just so you know, I'm going to kill anything that lives on this planet shortly".

Verse 14

Noah wasn't worried - he'd played my dad like a puppet. Just as Noah expected, my dad said with a wink "but don't worry - I've got you covered. Here's the plan: Build a big-ass boat.

Verse 15

He gave Noah the dimensions. And yeah, it was a very big boat.

Verse 16

Seriously, it had multiple floors!

Verse 17

Dad tapped his nose and explained "it's because I'll be killing everything with a giant flood."

Verse 18

After some careful thought, dad allowed Noah to bring his family on-board.

Verse 19

Now, Noah was a big fan of bacon, and he was feeling pretty cheeky, so he said "hey, God, how about the animals? Shouldn't you keep at least a few of those?" and dad said "You are both perfect AND smart - and yes, you're right, I should. Let's have two of each kind!"

Verse 20

"Make sure you get two of everything" said dad. "Birds, cows, pigs...". Noah was delighted.

Verse 21

"And yes, you can eat them" added dad. Noah already fully intended to, of course.

Verse 22

So, off Noah went to build his big-ass boat.

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