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The Genghis Khan Trump Interview
A paradoxical political parody.
Narrator: ‘Who would like to start?”
Khan: “I was an Emperor, not just a mere president. So, I should start, but I yield.
Trump: "Can I call you Khan?”
Khan: “Can I call you con?”
Trump: “OK, I see your point.”
Khan: “Do you know that I successfully invaded Baghdad and that record held through the centuries?”
Trump: “The U.S. invaded Baghdad. We do it all the time.”
Khan: “Your Army rode in on tanks and armored personnel carriers. We rode horses and used swords. Does the term Mongolian idiot mean anything to you? We killed many more people in our efforts than all your bombs. Let me tell you that war gets old. You will tire of it.”
Trump: “Terrorists are going to be rooted out every chance we get. If we must use torture, then we will use torture. The desert people are the enemy of civilization. They prove that by their constant threat to our overseas policy.”
Khan: “Torture? Really? That is very barbarian. How does that fit in with your ideal of civilization? Let me tell you. I had a reputation. I boiled people. I wanted to make people afraid. All it did is make more people rise up against me. I fought many battles. My sons rose to lead armies. That’s no life.”
Trump: “Are you preaching tolerance to me? I only believe in winning. Nothing else matters. Nothing. Not family, not ideals. Not religious differences.”
Khan: “You have a lot to learn. The more people you cross, the more enemies you make. Tolerance is the answer to a thriving empire where all the finest that life has to offer reaches our tables. Our vineyards were the finest. The meat from our cattle the leanest. I was the most evil. The most feared. Your friends the Russians banned the mention of my name. They cleared out whole populations from Mongolia and redistributed them, they were so afraid of future uprisings.”
Trump: “They banned the use of your name. But that is your brand. How are you going to be remembered without a brand? And you allowed religious freedom?”
Khan: “I tried many things to dissuade the Muslims. But no matter what policies I put into place, they prayed as they wished. Ate as they wished. They have so many rules about eating. So rather than spend vast sums, I let them pray, that is, after all else failed. Believe me, if you want to die an old man with his family around him, don’t piss off the Muslims.”
Trump: “I have all that now. Money can buy anything. I have my plans. All will be finished, just like I set out to do for all my followers.”
Khan: “I agree with that, if you don’t know what the plan is, you will never know if you are done. So, you have a plan? Good - very good. You have to look out for your people. If those around you don’t know what they are doing, they will undo your great plans. If your people are happy, you will be happy.”
Trump: “My people will do what I tell them to do. I pay them. I am their boss and everything I say is law. The only opinion that is important is my opinion. You did not have a congress, or a Senate to deal with. Every move I make people bicker. What do they think this is, a free country or something?”
Khan: “My empire covered twelve million square miles. So, I do know a little about how to govern people, once conquered. If it is prosperity you are after, you will get what you want while making those in your circle believe they will be taken care of as well. It is good to have a humble appearance. There was a saying in my time, 'If you can't swallow your pride, you can't lead.'"
Khan looked at Trump’s suit: “I exercise moderation. Once the fittings of wealth are around you, fine clothes, beautiful women, the best horses, it is easy to lose sight of your goals.” After a pause Khan continued.
“You can change the world, but you must change it gradually. The old ways are always more comfortable. Quick changes will stir everyone against you. As you are doing, I showed no mercy to men, women and children. I pillaged everything, and spread the word of my atrocities to encourage surrender.”
Trump: “The people will bow to my authority. I will not be challenged. Anyone on my team who dissents will be fired, the population will not oppose me. My family will not oppose me.”
Khan: “You can stay in power by uniting, more easily than dividing. In some societies you can kill off all your political enemies. As can still be seen in some of today’s more backward, peasant societies. But you cannot point to one leader that used this tactic without constant upheaval. I slaughtered large populations throughout what is now mostly Asia and parts of China. In doing so, I opened the Silk Road, which brought commerce to the Muslim world, and made them stronger. Your Empire, to hear you tell us, is the most fierce; you have the largest military, with the biggest budget in history. What is left for you to conquer?”
Khan: “I am getting hungry. Can I get a big plate of Mongolian Beef?”
Trump: “We only offer Trump Steak in the White House cafeteria. Let's go have a few beers. Tell me more about this boiling people thing. Is that where the phrase "in hot water now", comes from?”
The two men stood, Trump put his arm around Khan's shoulder, they walked toward the cafeteria.