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The Genghis Khan Trump Interview

Updated on June 6, 2017
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A paradoxical political parody.

Narrator: ‘Who would like to start?”

Khan: “I was an Emperor, not just a mere president. So, I should start, but I yield.

Trump: "Can I call you Khan?”

Khan: “Can I call you con?”

Trump: “OK, I see your point.”

Khan: “Do you know that I successfully invaded Baghdad and that record held through the centuries?”

Trump: “The U.S. invaded Baghdad. We do it all the time.”

Khan: “Your Army rode in on tanks and armored personnel carriers. We rode horses and used swords. Does the term Mongolian idiot mean anything to you? We killed many more people in our efforts than all your bombs. Let me tell you that war gets old. You will tire of it.”

Trump: “Terrorists are going to be rooted out every chance we get. If we must use torture, then we will use torture. The desert people are the enemy of civilization. They prove that by their constant threat to our overseas policy.”

Khan: “Torture? Really? That is very barbarian. How does that fit in with your ideal of civilization? Let me tell you. I had a reputation. I boiled people. I wanted to make people afraid. All it did is make more people rise up against me. I fought many battles. My sons rose to lead armies. That’s no life.”

Trump: “Are you preaching tolerance to me? I only believe in winning. Nothing else matters. Nothing. Not family, not ideals. Not religious differences.”

Khan: “You have a lot to learn. The more people you cross, the more enemies you make. Tolerance is the answer to a thriving empire where all the finest that life has to offer reaches our tables. Our vineyards were the finest. The meat from our cattle the leanest. I was the most evil. The most feared. Your friends the Russians banned the mention of my name. They cleared out whole populations from Mongolia and redistributed them, they were so afraid of future uprisings.”

Trump: “They banned the use of your name. But that is your brand. How are you going to be remembered without a brand? And you allowed religious freedom?”

Khan: “I tried many things to dissuade the Muslims. But no matter what policies I put into place, they prayed as they wished. Ate as they wished. They have so many rules about eating. So rather than spend vast sums, I let them pray, that is, after all else failed. Believe me, if you want to die an old man with his family around him, don’t piss off the Muslims.”

Trump: “I have all that now. Money can buy anything. I have my plans. All will be finished, just like I set out to do for all my followers.”

Khan: “I agree with that, if you don’t know what the plan is, you will never know if you are done. So, you have a plan? Good - very good. You have to look out for your people. If those around you don’t know what they are doing, they will undo your great plans. If your people are happy, you will be happy.”

Trump: “My people will do what I tell them to do. I pay them. I am their boss and everything I say is law. The only opinion that is important is my opinion. You did not have a congress, or a Senate to deal with. Every move I make people bicker. What do they think this is, a free country or something?”

Khan: “My empire covered twelve million square miles. So, I do know a little about how to govern people, once conquered. If it is prosperity you are after, you will get what you want while making those in your circle believe they will be taken care of as well. It is good to have a humble appearance. There was a saying in my time, 'If you can't swallow your pride, you can't lead.'"

Khan looked at Trump’s suit: “I exercise moderation. Once the fittings of wealth are around you, fine clothes, beautiful women, the best horses, it is easy to lose sight of your goals.” After a pause Khan continued.

“You can change the world, but you must change it gradually. The old ways are always more comfortable. Quick changes will stir everyone against you. As you are doing, I showed no mercy to men, women and children. I pillaged everything, and spread the word of my atrocities to encourage surrender.”

Trump: “The people will bow to my authority. I will not be challenged. Anyone on my team who dissents will be fired, the population will not oppose me. My family will not oppose me.”

Khan: “You can stay in power by uniting, more easily than dividing. In some societies you can kill off all your political enemies. As can still be seen in some of today’s more backward, peasant societies. But you cannot point to one leader that used this tactic without constant upheaval. I slaughtered large populations throughout what is now mostly Asia and parts of China. In doing so, I opened the Silk Road, which brought commerce to the Muslim world, and made them stronger. Your Empire, to hear you tell us, is the most fierce; you have the largest military, with the biggest budget in history. What is left for you to conquer?”

Khan: “I am getting hungry. Can I get a big plate of Mongolian Beef?”

Trump: “We only offer Trump Steak in the White House cafeteria. Let's go have a few beers. Tell me more about this boiling people thing. Is that where the phrase "in hot water now", comes from?”

The two men stood, Trump put his arm around Khan's shoulder, they walked toward the cafeteria.

Russian Folk Music - The Bogatyr

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    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 2 weeks ago from Jeffersonville PA

      "Can I call you con...?" - one of your best lines ever and one of the funniest, dear Mike.

      After a few tries, I was able to pull up the link. Hugs, mar

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello mar - The Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus has set up their tent in Washington, D.C. The clowns are running all over Congress, like red ants. Their only intent is so sting. I can't explain the issue with the link, but it seems to be working now. Perhaps Russian military intelligence came by to take a look.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 2 weeks ago from Toronto, Canada

      Hello, Mike:

      Boy, was it funny! Certainly, Genghis Khan had the time to smarten up and see what all his efforts left Mongolia with.

      No matter how many cities he sacked and ravaged, all of them risen since and marched along with civilization. Yes, he sacked Baghdad, yes, he sacked Kiev, yes, he sacked and raged...

      And, in the end, Mongolia is in some backwaters, known mostly for Genghis Khan's cruelty. He left a legacy alright, but what kind of legacy?

      Surely, he killed, but he also helped with populating.

      "An international group of geneticists studying Y-chromosome data have found that nearly 8 percent of the men living in the region of the former Mongol empire carry y-chromosomes that are nearly identical. That translates to 0.5 percent of the male population in the world, or roughly 16 million descendants living today."

      (http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/02/02...

      Don't forget the statue - the largest equestrian statue in the world - you can take an elevator and get into Genghis Khan's Horse head and observe his lands - funny - it's just steppes with nothing on it - he "rules" there all alone in the middle of nowhere.

      I believe, Genghis Khan interview with Trump would have ended like this -

      - who is this Orange Head? Off with it! Off!

      Funny, that power makes heads grow larger, but brains smaller. Every empire overreaches and dooms itself. At one point, Mongols were stopped (for good) by Mamluks, also fierce warriors and horsemen - but they smartened up, used a clever strategy and also used hand cannons to frighten Mongols' horses.

      So, the same will happen to Trump - every empire is as strong as its weakest link. I'm sure Trump has too many of those. Someone will figure out how to frighten his "horse".

      P.S. Funny thing: - I just received a postcard yesterday (I thought from Mongolia), but, no, from Germany, but with a beautiful Mongolian woman - she's so much prettier than the Khan, Trump and his horse. Why Trump's horse? Because once he learns that there is a horse bigger than his...

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 weeks ago from Olympia, WA

      You get the feeling, don't you, that it's just a matter of time before he is gone? He's just too reckless and impetuous, like some overgrown kid who doesn't know how to properly play with his new toys and is about to be kicked out of the clubhouse. God I hope I'm correct. :) Anyway, great interview...."con"....great line, Mike.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Svetlana – You sure know a lot about Genghis Khan and the moguls. Makes me think, you may have just helped with a book report or other school project. Your point is well taken, that after all the empire ‘building’ Mongolia is just a backwater in today’s civilization. It even demonstrates the direction we are heading with Sinbad at the helm. Now, I am going to go and research hand cannons. Seems we all may need one. Thanks for the suggestion and the input.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 2 weeks ago from Southern Illinois

      Could it possibly be true that Trump has installed a new boiling sauna? Could be a rumor!!! Another great interview! I've never seen the pic. of Trump, looks like he's been eating too many of his unsold steaks..

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hi Bill – He hates the job. He is not getting the respect he assumes he would receive. If we can stop this administration and Clone Congress from robbing us blind. He will quit. He is only there for the money. The criminal justice people are already hot on the trail of his kids. People are going to Federal prison. Many people associated with him are going to prison for the privilege of his company.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Ruby - I had heard that the president has been overeating, in his unhappiness with the job that he is doing. The picture may prove the point, that we have found something that he does well.

    • alancaster149 profile image

      Alan Robert Lancaster 2 weeks ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

      Richard Nixon got so close to accolades, maybe even a Nobel prize for ending the Vietnam War. And then he spoilt it with Watergate. Ronald Reagan swapped playing with chimps for a turn in the White House, they wouldn't let him talk without a speech to hand. Arnie had to say "Hasta la vista Babe" to a career in the White House because he wasn't a US citizen - is he yet? 'Dubya' entered an alliance with 'Teflon Tony Blair' on Saddam. Barack Obama held a grudge against Britain and advised staying in the EU (where we'd continue to get fleeced by Brussels). This one, whatsisname... Trump has an illegal immigrant Scots grannie in the wardrobe and has almost shot down the 'special relationship' within months of setting foot in the White House. I know you don't have to be a professional politician to qualify, but this is scratching the bottom of the barrel, isn't it? I first thought, "Let him get on with it", but I think secretly he wants to get off it, so he's messing up his remit. Maybe someone'll feel sorry for him and let the KGB finish the job.

      Maybe somebody could warm up Genghiz K, give him a new set of batteries and put in him the Oval Office? He might work miracles on the Russkies at least.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 2 weeks ago from Toronto, Canada

      Speaking of Genghis Khan working miracles on Russkies - he already did. Mongols devastated Russian territories for a few centuries (if he had enough resources, he would have flattened Europe as well).

      Russian words for

      money

      treasury

      customs

      executioner/hangman

      shackles

      are "borrowings" from the Turks language (among many others).

      Money is especially endearing because conquered states paid heavy tax/toll (what have you). Mongols took "human resources" as well. Where do you think the word slave comes? Right... Slavic...

      I suggest bringing from the dead a true lunatic - Ivan the Terrible. He won't waste his time tweeting...

    • alancaster149 profile image

      Alan Robert Lancaster 2 weeks ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

      Svetlana, Ivan was nothing near as bad as painted compared with Henry VIII. He was a tyrant's tyrant. Even Genghiz K would've had his nose put out of joint by our 'Enery. Every abbey between Tavistock in Devon and the Scottish border was destroyed, left in ruins because of his spat with the Church in Rome over the divorce from Catherine of Aragon. Donald Trump would've ended up on the block at Tower Hill. Ivan was deeply religious compared with the man the Pontiff termed 'defender of the faith'. Ever heard of the 'Pilgrimage of Grace?' All the Northern English leaders were hanged, drawn and quartered at Smithfield, including some of the senior church men. His daughter 'Bloody' Mary Tudor took after him.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 2 weeks ago from Toronto, Canada

      Alan, as much as I enjoy the thought of being well-informed and educated, I know very little of history. Certainly I cannot know all of it.

      From European history I know bits and pieces, Russian history is truly a dark enterprise (I have just learned that were three Rus - Black, Red and White). I spent two hours reading about Russian history and Mongols in Russian and my head is spinning. Most Russian historic name I could barely pronounce.

      The worst part is that before perestroyka - there was one Russian history - rewritten and adjusted according to the propaganda guidelines and now it's rewritten and adjusted according to the new propaganda, in which Russians were heroes and great soldiers and great commanders and all was great... The amount of today's propaganda is just sickening. (Maybe because it's so obvious to me).

      When I hear Russians saying "I'm so proud or this and that and my country...", I know that propaganda works. "What are you proud of? Your total and complete ignorance?"

      I took a few courses recently (by "took" I mean, I listened to them, not study extensively)

      1) Turning Points in Modern History

      2) War, Peace and Power - about diplomacy (somewhat boring)

      3) Turning Points in Middle Eastern History (much more interesting!)/the course was on sale and I almost bought it

      and after learning about Baghdad and Mongols sacking it - I just cannot "forgive" them

      but that, of course, sparked my interest in Mongols and I'm going to take

      4) The Barbarian Empires of the Steppes -

      But, I just cannot take them all!

      There is no competition in who was the bloodiest of them all (if Trump would have heard it - he would have wanted the title for sure).

      I wonder whether they ranked "The Most Evil Men and Women in History" and if they did , on what scale?

      I don't see Henry VIII, but Bloody Mary is there.

      But they probably did not delve into the Muslim world - surely - they had their monsters.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdOX8MgPfOc&fe...

      But to reiterate - I'm not an expert in history.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Sventlanta, Alan - Carry on.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 weeks ago from Queensland Australia

      A great interview, Mike. These two seemed to get on quite well. Wonderful imagination you have, and well researched too.

    • alancaster149 profile image

      Alan Robert Lancaster 2 weeks ago from Forest Gate, London E7, U K (ex-pat Yorkshire)

      Thanks, mckbirdbks. I can only say this to round off the dialogue from my end: monsters is monsters, whatever skin colour and whether you include Robert Mugabe, Joseph Stalin, Genghiz Khan, Adolf Schickelgruber (Hitler was his mother's maiden surname), Ivan the Terrible or Bloody Mary. Some earned the epithet more than others, some were aided and abetted (with Stalin it was Beria, with Hitler it was a whole gang of them, Mary was a nasty piece of work and didn't need any, and Ivan had his Boyars).

      You have to ask, "what were their countries like after their passing?" Germany was a mess (the Nazis never really died out), Zimbabwe still is a mess, Russia/the USSR has been in steady decline and England recovered after Elizabeth I stepped up to the throne. As I remember reading, Genghiz' empire fragmented in a feud between his sons. Maybe you could do an interview between Nixon and Hitler next?

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello John - Thank you. Some leaders seem to have similar styles. Not that I know, or would want to know, either of these men.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Alan Robert Lancaster – I agree, monsters are monsters. You have named some of histories worst. Most countries are a mess, as the leaders always seem to overreach. Even the little dictators seem to have large egos that drive them to genocide.

      This is the fifth interview. The Godfather, Nixon, Bernie Madoff, Forest Gump, and Genghis. I hope you enjoyed your visit.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 2 weeks ago from Texas

      Mike, amazing hub.

      'If you can't swallow your pride, you can't lead.' trump can't lead a dog on a leash.

      Continued Blessings

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Shy - Thank you. Leadership is not something that the president has a handle on. He is like one of those ninety-day wonder LT. that gets to the battle field and immediately gets all his men killed because he does not know what he is doing.

      Thanks for the blessings.

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 2 weeks ago from Massachusetts, USA

      This is a page tuner; and I enjoyed the interesting comments by others. One ruthless conqueror/emperor/military genius chatting away with a wannabe. History has given us analogies, parables and more over this catastrophic "paradox" that now sits in the Oval Office -- this interview is a plum, Mike.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Genna – The comment section took on a life of its own in this interview. Genghis Khan has a bigger fan club than I thought. I agree we have a toxic paradox, residing in the White House, that has housed some of the greatest leaders the world has known. And now the worst. What in the world?

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