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Genuine Hilarious American Court Case Quotes

Updated on April 22, 2011

These quotes are from a book called 'Disorder in the Courts of America', and are actual things people said in court, quoted word for word by reporters present at the time, who were challenged to stay calm and not fall about laughing whilst these exchanges were taking place.

The quotes here are not new to the Internet, but I am guessing many of my Hub friends may not have seen them before and will appreciate the chance to enjoy the laughs as much as I did when I was first given them.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?

Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: What is your date of birth?

Witness: July 18th.

Attorney: What year?

Witness: Every year.

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?

Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Attorney: How long has he lived with you?

Witness: Forty-five years.

Attorney: What was the first thing your Husband said to you that morning?

Witness: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan.

Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

Witness: We both do.

Attorney: voodoo?

Witness: We do.

Attorney: You do?

Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Attorney: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one.

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Witness: Would you repeat the question?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?

Witness: Uh...

Attorney: She had three children right?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: How many were boys?

Witness: None.

Attorney: Were there any girls?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Witness: Oral.

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness: Huh?

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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    • starrkissed profile image

      starrkissed 8 years ago from Arizona

      lmao

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
      Author

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Thanks Starrkissed :)

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

      No, not again, you are going to kill me Cindy! Imagine my dying in laugh convulsions :D

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
      Author

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Hee Hee Misha, I do my best, and I still have more to come, although they are all getting flagged as 'duplicate content', but I never claimed this was unique or my own work, I simply wanted to share the laughs with those who haven't ever seen these before :)

    • Madison Parker profile image

      Madison Parker 8 years ago from California

      Those are funny! It's amazing that these same people actually managed to pass the bar!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
      Author

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Thanks Madison, I crack up laughing every time I read them :)

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      So funny Misty. Great job as always.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
      Author

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Thanks Gwendy :)

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      YW, Cindy.

    • Madison Parker profile image

      Madison Parker 8 years ago from California

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 7 years ago from Southern California, USA

      This is funny. Sounds like typical lawyers.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
      Author

      Cindy Lawson 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Thanks Sweetiepie, I crack up laughing every time I read these :)

    • hospitalera profile image

      hospitalera 6 years ago

      They are great, especially the last one ;-) Thanks for the laugh, SY

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
      Author

      Cindy Lawson 6 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Thanks hospitalera, glad you enjoyed these too :)

    • profile image

      Rathod Sudhir 4 years ago

      Last Case.. Epic Reply !!

      LMAO !!

      Thanks for the wonderful Laugh :) ..

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image
      Author

      Cindy Lawson 4 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      You are very welcome Rathod, so pleased this made you laugh too :)

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