ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

Funny, Genuine and Hilarious 911 Calls

Updated on April 22, 2011

I take no credit for the hilarious content of this hub, but want to share these genuine 911 calls with those of you who have never read them on the Internet before. Enjoy :)

Dispatcher: 911, What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 911, What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her Husband.


Dispatcher: 911

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn... I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you asthmatic?

Caller: No.

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Hi Swetsusieg, glad you all enjoyed these so much. I am sure there must be many more examples out there for us to find.

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      Thanks for the laughs... My girls were here and I felt that I should share them.... They say ISN'T THERE MORE??? Just at thought...

    • starrkissed profile image

      starrkissed 9 years ago from Arizona


    • marisuewrites profile image

      marisuewrites 9 years ago from USA

      my husband was a cop, and he had to answer many weird 911 calls like this, one was from a lady who was waiting for Nixon's helicopter to land in her front yard; she was giving him a warm welcome; standing in the nude to greet him.

      of course she was delusional....the only one who answered her call was Lynn, not the President, but he did have some handcuffs, had to use them to get her back in the house.

      poor thing wanted to go play golf with Nixon. =)) People!!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 9 years ago from South Africa

      Hilarious hub Misty. a great laugh. Congrats on hub 100! No you are not a fraud.. a hub is a hub is a hub. and laugh is a laugh is a laugh LOL!

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 9 years ago from Australia

      Great Misty I really needed that laugh! Up till then its been a really shitty monday.

      thanks :-()

    • Starscream14 profile image

      Starscream14 9 years ago

      Nice hub, misty! Very funny...

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      Funny! Have you ever heard the recording of the 911 call about the deer? It is an audio tape, but I wonder if it's on youtube? It is hysterical. I'll look for it.

    • Amanda Severn profile image

      Amanda Severn 9 years ago from UK

      Very amusing. Nice to start Monday with a smile!

    • Just_Rodney profile image

      Rodney Fagan 9 years ago from Johannesberg South Africa, The Gold Mine City

      I had Stumbled to that, but we all needed a good laugh to brighteen up our day, congrate on your hundredth hub.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Hi Misha, yes I did notice this was my 100th, but feel a bit of a fraud as the last few hubs are not my own work, I simply wanted to share the laughs with those fellow hubbers who hadn't read these before :)

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 9 years ago from DC Area

      Did you notice this is your #100 hub? :P

      Thanks for laughs :)